Being Authentic Is Hard

posted 23rd February 2011    Written by: Laura    CATEGORY: Creativity, Events, Laura, Season 4

As badly as I want it, being authentic is hard. I struggle with putting it into action. For me, it means forgetting rules, ignoring norms and daring to be different. That’s trickier than going with the flow, sticking with tradition and accepting the status quo. It takes more effort.

Mostly, my itch to be so not-so-normal intensifies when I’m marking a milestone or playing a role that has high expectations tied to it. Examples? Graduating from high school. Graduating from university. Getting married. Being an employee.

While I’m fine these concepts – I did graduate high school, I did get a degree, I am engaged to be married, I was a great employee – I’m not fine with the pressure for standardization that come with them.

In the past, I’ve begrudgingly given into it a lot. I didn’t take a year off after high school, I didn’t apply to a fine arts college, I didn’t travel after university, I didn’t pause to breathe before diving into my career. I wanted to do those things, but because of family, friends, fear, and circumstance, I gave in and made easy, conventional choices. I don’t regret them, but I’m ready to not play by the rules anymore. I’m ready to listen to what my heart wants.

Luckily, I have two huge opportunities to do just that: I’m planning my wedding and I’m building a business. I have free reign to do things my way, challenge whatever assumptions I want and make choices with bold, authentic passion. What’s funny is that as much as the path is cleared, I’m still having a hard time taking it.

When we first decided to get married, before I gave any thought to possibilities, budget or family expectations, my instinct was to say things like:

“I want something really different! Like, let’s go somewhere that isn’t even used for weddings.”

“I want to sleep in on my wedding day! Let’s do a night time thing. None of this get my hair done at 9 a.m. stuff.”

“I just want to have a party! Wouldn’t it be cool if it could feel like a nightclub or something?”

“Do we need to have a sit down meal? I don’t want four courses and chicken stuffed with fucking goat cheese.”

“I’m picturing colours! Games, balloons, candy! It’ll be fun and laid back, nothing formal or stuffy.”

“I want it to be kinda ballsy. Not everyone can pull off lollipops in a vase instead of flowers. It needs to be really youthful, without feeling like a toddler threw up everywhere.”

“I hate the whole we’ll stand here and you’ll look at us. And the we’ll dance and you’ll look at us. And the we’ll sit at a special table and you’ll look at us. Why does everybody have to be staring at us?!”

I said all of those things. And I meant them. But then we looked at a hotel as a venue option and I faltered. I came up with a couple of plated meals I could live with. I believed that with the right touches, I could make a white rectangular room feel like us. I gave up on my ideas for a buffet of homemade cookies and having guests paint a canvas. I started leaning towards convenience over creativity, and towards standard over really damn special.

After viewing one common option, I was reminded of all of the tradition and expectations surrounding weddings that just don’t feel like me. Or like us. And I was willing to let them win. I was annoyed as hell, but I was going to let them win.

Then 48 hours ago, the world called me out. Hunny and I looked at a place that is as distinct, playful, informal, cool, and urban as I could’ve imagined. It WOW-ed us both and quite simply, it felt like us. It’s a place where we can incorporate all of those things I instinctively said and every creative idea I have – every single one of them.

But it’s taken me a full 48 hours to embrace it and get excited about its authenticity. Because I had already talked myself into settling. I had already given up on this place even existing.

That’s a little scary, isn’t it? That it’s that easy to celebrate your uniqueness or lose it altogether. All it takes is one option, one decision, one crossroad.

To live a life that feels like YOU, you really need to consciously choose that every day, every time. It’s a hard thing to do, especially because they’re likely to be bold, brave, unique, uncertain, effort-y, unfamiliar choices.

But for me? It’s about damn time.

Sure, the hotel would work. But when faced with an alternative that feels like it was created from my imagination, I’d be crazy to pass it up. It doesn’t have free parking, or round tables with white linens, or full service staff, or accommodations in the same building, or chandeliers. Those things might matter to someone else, but they don’t matter to me.

So instead of living someone else’s life, I’m going to live mine. Instead of choosing something that would work, I’m going to choose something that kicks ass. I’m making the authentic choice, rather than the easy, convenient one. I’m learning how to trust myself and what I want. And you know what? It feels ridiculous good!

{Photo credit: My wedding vision board}

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Comments (24)

24 Responses to “Being Authentic Is Hard”

  • Renee Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 9:20 am

    I hope you've come across OffbeatBride.com in your wedding planning. There's even an Offbeat Bride Tribe community that I found extremely helpful in thinking outside the box. Wedding planning is hard — ESPECIALLY when you want it to be authentic. Forgive yourself for compromising, though. (I wanted a purple dress but fell in love with a white one… and compromised by wearing purple ruffles underneath.)

  • Linda Eaves Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 9:33 am

    Laura – That is an awesome post. Makes me want to give notice right now. Thank you for blazing the trail. Helps me keep the faith. P.S. http://lowbrowevents.com/ – Ang Jandak is a peach. Sounds right up your alley.

  • asummermoon Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 9:51 am

    You know what Laura I've learned that we women get so consumed in our weddings that we forget that the greatest investment should go into our marriages. If a happy and lasting marriage is your true agenda then it makes it easier to breathe and not stress so much about your wedding. As you plan your wedding focus on expressing the joy and love you hope to mature throughout your marriage. What do you two really want? What are you willing to comprimise keeping in mind that it's about the marriage in the long term? Family and Friends are great support but they don't come home and live your life after that one day of wedding bliss. So why not do what makes the two of you happy? -this is coming from someone who learned the hard way :-)

  • amandafarough Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Oh gawd YES. We really are the same damn person, L. These are all the big questions that I asked. I rejected the bullshit that came along with weddings (except the wedding mags, which were just too much fun not to own). People, namely a few "friends", would say, "wtf, Amanda. Why are you so weird?"

    Authenticity seems weird to people, I guess.

    Proud of you for standing up and saying yes to authenticity for your big celebration.

    PS. Offbeat Bride wins. Third recommendation!

  • paranoidactress Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Your wedding sounds like a BLAST!! I love the idea of having the guests paint a canvas. I'm so happy you're going for what you and your future hubby want – it is YOUR day after all!

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    You already know how I feel about this post and your wedding board and YOU. But just wanted to say it again- HAVE FAITH SISTER! You're creating your life, one amazing day at a time. <3

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Do. It. Your. Way. This is the day to celebrate your love, your relationship, your marriage. It has to be all about you as an individual, your hunny as an individual and your identity as a couple. I planned my wedding my way, and unfortunately, some circumstances with family drama completely overshadowed it all. Now, a year and a half later, I am dreaming of a mountain-top recommitement ceremony surround by only the handful of people who matter most. Even with the drama, there is no way I would have been happy with a conventional day. No way at all. P.S. I love every inch of that inspiration board!

  • Hannah Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Well once again we're on the same page. I'm getting married this summer and had the exact same problem when it came to venues. FINALLY I found somewhere that felt totally like us. Sure, we'll be dancing on gravel and our guests have to travel a couple of hours and stay overnight, but you know what? It's going to be a party. It's going to reflect our personalities. It's going to reflect our relationship. And it isn't going to be the cookie cutter wedding we've been to 87 times. The last thing I wanted was to feel like you could put any couple in the bride/groom slots and have it work. This is OUR wedding and we're doing it our way. Good for you for doing the same! I'm excited to see photos when it's all said and done (you will post right? I'm a photographer and totally obsess over other people's wedding photos!)

    And another thumbs up for Offbeat Bride. :)

  • Big L Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    I have come across that site and definitely check it from time to time. Although, I have to admit I've taken Molly's advice of making my vision board and then stopping to look. LIke she said "you're on going to replace one good idea with another good idea, just stop." BUT, it is a great source of inspiration nonetheless!

  • Big L Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    Oh, A Practical Wedding…that's a good one. Thanks!

  • Big L Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    Thanks for the suggestion Linda! And I'm so glad the post resonated with you. Definitely keep the faith – authenticity IS possible! :)

  • Big L Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Oh, I totally agree!! It's part of the reason we waited 10 years to get married. I've never understand why so much fuss, effort, stress and money should be invested in a one day event instead of the relationship itself, which you want to last a lifetime! We're totally talking through what we want and to be honest, I'm still struggling with the expense of it all, even though I'm trying to be low budget! I just want to be married, not drop thousands to do it! :) But, as long as the day is an authentic reflection of us, I feel like spending some money is OK…we deserve it, that's what I keep telling myself!

  • Big L Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    Awesome! Another reinforcement of our kindred spirit-ness. Love it! And it's OK, being weird is fun! Here's to rocking it :)

  • Big L Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    Thanks so much for your enthusiasm, I appreciate it! I hope it WILL be blast :)

  • Big L Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    I know, but thanks for saying it again! xxoo

  • Big L Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    Thanks Erin! You're so right – our way or no way! :) It's a total celebration of US, I agree, so I can't wait for it to feel that way. I've been saying to everyone that I don't want to create an event that's fun for everyone else, but that we can't wait to leave. Which, if we did things the "normal" way, would be the case.

    A mountain top ceremony with only your besties sounds FANTASTIC! I hope you do that!!

  • Big L Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    OH, that sounds awesome! Congrats on finding a spot that feels just right. I love that I wrote this and am finding other girls who feel the same way…..WHAT A RELIEF!!!

    And yes, I'll be happy to share pics when the time comes. I'm IN LOVE with my photographer (www.appleheadstudio.com) and will be happy to show off his work, I'm sure :)

  • Cait Says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    Authenticity is so difficult to achieve sometimes. The biggest thing I defaulted on was my major in college – I was undecided when I was applying, but my parents convinced me to go into accounting. I absolutely hated it, but stuck with it to the end simply because the idea of switching and possibly needing an extra year scared me too much. However, in making that mistake, I've now learned not to let that happen again. As hard as it can be, it's worth it to be myself and not stuck in a life I don't want.

  • Natalie Says:
    February 24th, 2011 at 4:49 am

    This sounds like it is going to be such a fun wedding! You are truly authentic and I think your wedding will really show you and your hunny, it might have a cookie buffet but as far as I can see it won't be a cookie cutter wedding :-)

  • Big L Says:
    February 24th, 2011 at 6:42 am

    It sure is! That's a great example and one I can totally relate to, as well. I still wonder how life would have turned out if I had gone to a fine arts college…I was never sure if I really had the skills necessary to take that leap, but now I may never know! And I know what you mean – making a non-authentic choice at one crossroads can lead you to a life you don't want at all! Ugh. Good news is, it's never to late to start getting back on track :)

  • Big L Says:
    February 24th, 2011 at 6:43 am

    LOL, nice one ;) Thanks Natalie!

  • Mary Says:
    February 28th, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Think of being authentic this way… when you play a role and don't let people know the real you, you aren't attracting people who are fully compatible with you. This is why when you take off the cloak and talk about your actual interests, some people don't "get it." One of the best things you can do is be your own special self. Who you are and what you like is always good enough. It takes a little bit of humility though when you realize some people won't stick with you any more. Oh well. That leaves room for more like-minded people.

  • Mandee Says:
    March 23rd, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    Oh Laura, you are one, if not the, most authentic, inspirational people I know! I'm honoured to call you a true friend of mine. I'm so excited for you and "Hunny". Look at your wedding day as a clump of clay you can fashion into a perfect representation of your love for one another. Some people may not "get it" but as long as it holds meaning for you both then you can be proud of your masterpiece. I only wish I was there to help you with your creation!

  • Ice cream, Andy Warhol, and Leading by Doing | Stratejoy | Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis through Fresh Strategies for Real Joy Says:
    July 20th, 2011 at 9:09 am

    [...] expected to be feeling more tension between what I want to be doing and what I am doing. I found a killer wedding venue. Also, I have some new ideas brewing in the back of my mind that I wouldn’t have expected. I [...]

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