Fear, Nausea, and Creativity In North Georgia

posted 27th February 2011    Written by: Juliana    CATEGORY: All Posts, Creativity, Job/Career/Work, Juliana, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4

The other day I filed for an LLC and almost threw up.   Wait, maybe I should back up.

In addition to pursuing songwriting more, I’m also working on something that’s been in the back of my mind for about a year -becoming a creativity coach. I didn’t even know creativity coaching was “a thing” until I found a way to verbalize what I wanted to do (with some help from the Joy Equation, thankyouverymuch) which is help people get UNstuck and back in touch with their creative flow.

When I started reaching out online to other people who also felt the same calling, I found out that creativity coaching is, indeed, “a thing”, and I decided to go after it!

I’ve read almost every book out there on the creative process, from the more left-brained, business applicable ones to the very spiritual Julia Cameron work. Read isn’t actually the right word…devoured is more like it. In compiling all of that information, my personal experience as an artist , and the training I’m currently getting, I feel like I have a helluva toolbox for helping people.

In late March, I’ll be able to start leading group workshops, and then this Summer I should be completing my certification to coach folks one-on-one.  There’s also a weekend retreat in the works.

It has been a really long time since I felt like I was doing something other than songwriting that qualified as a vocation – literally, a calling – and it’s just an incredible feeling.  Most people are lucky to discover ONE vocation in a lifetime, and here I am, not even thirty, and I might have found two…

So back to the throwing up.

Making steps toward this & my songwriting being my official, authentic, actual businessy things has brought up all kinds of feelings.   The predominant feeling is joy, for sure, because I know that I am getting closer to walking my true path and helping people, but other stuff keeps intruding on that joy. Specifically, fear (which, in me, often manifests with some serious nausea. Hooray.)

When I look that fear-monster right in its disgusting yellow maw,  I notice, aside from the fact that it needs to floss, that’s it’s not what I expected to see:

This fear isn’t about failure. I’ve gotten pretty good at failure, actually…not living up to parental expectations, dropping out of two colleges, breaking off an engagement,  sucking utterly at any sort of long-term health plan… yeah, I can do failure.  I know how to cope with it, and that it’s soothed by bubble baths,  journal writing, and copious servings of chocolate.

This fear is different.  This is a fear of succeeding.

What happens if this comes easily?
What happens if I write that book I want to write, and it actually gets published?
What happens if  I get the opportunity to inspire a ton of people?
What happens if I am really, truly awesome at this?

Cue the puking.

So what the heck is THAT about?!   Shouldn’t I be more scared of falling flat on my face than of being completely spectacular? Alas, I think I have to chalk it up to being a typical human being – one who is uncomfortable with big changes.   Succeeding at these dreams will quite possibly change my entire life… maybe a little at a time, or maybe in huge strokes… and I don’t think my brain has wrapped itself around that yet.  It’s strange to realize that, while failure is not the desired outcome, imagining failure has been more comfortable to me than imagining success.

For now I’m going to treat it the same way I treat my other fears (thank goodness for my awesome, big tub) and try to find small ways to soothe this new beast.

One thing that does seem to help a little is to read quotes by smart people and repeat them to myself.  Here’s one:

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.  - Eleanor Roosevelt

Also, chamomile & ginger are really good for a wobbly stomach.

[photo credit: silkeybeto]

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
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Comments (14)

14 Responses to “Fear, Nausea, and Creativity In North Georgia”

  • Sara Says:
    February 27th, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Juliana, I know EXACTLY how this feels. I too suffer from the "fear of success" stomach bug. It's amazing to me how comfortable failure feels. I am inspired by you to also bust out of of my fear-comforter and look success square in the eyes. I am SO ready for this!

    PS: Will you post a bibliography on some of the best books you read about creativity? Thanks! xo

  • Liza wells Says:
    February 27th, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Awesome read Juliana. Short, sweet and inspiring. What if I am actually successful at this?? We spend so much time pondering the thought of failing that success often isn't even an option. But looking at being scared of succeeding forces us to face that fear and also realize success is possible. Most of the time, guaranteed. Thank you!!!!

  • amandafarough Says:
    February 27th, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    YES. YES YES YES.

    This is ME. In a bottle. Or a nutshell. Or, consequently, on a web page. We get so damn good at contemplating our "holy shit" moments of failure that when we actually sit back and imagine success, it's HORRIFYING. Vomit-inducing. In taking this huge step forward, you're going to be able to live that much more authentically and be that much more FREE.

    And I, for one, can't wait to see what that LLC of yours is going to look like. :]

  • Juliana Says:
    February 28th, 2011 at 8:59 am

    Thanks Sara! It's nice to not be the only one. ;)

    And yeah, that bibliography is a great idea… might be something for me to stick on my site. Thanks for the suggestion.

  • Juliana Says:
    February 28th, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Thanks Liza!! I miss you but I know you got my back. ;)

  • Juliana Says:
    February 28th, 2011 at 9:02 am

    It *is* horrifying… but I'm getting more comfortable with it now and slowly realizing that freedom is exciting and not necessarily like running out over the grand canyon before realizing there's no ground under you a la Wile E. Coyote. ;)

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    February 28th, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    It's funny, the more freedom I get, the more I just want someone to tell me what to do. The more that people tell me what to do, the more I want Freedom, am I ever satisfied? No.

    Congratulations on your LLC application, girl. I love watching this life of yours unfold, and making what you want happen.

  • Kate Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 8:14 am

    I remember the first time I had to file for nonprofit status I nearly had a panic attack! It was weird knowing I was going to be an entrepreneur and run a business. Even now, looking back at how far I've come with the biz, it's still kind of crazy to think about.

    Best of luck to you – let it all shine, lady!

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    SQUEEE…I am so happy for you about this. You will shine and glitter and be amazing, because you are embracing your fear and going after those big, scary dreams.

  • Mandy Says:
    March 3rd, 2011 at 7:28 am

    I read an interesting quote by Jack Paar recently. "My life has been one long obstacle course with me as the biggest obstacle". I relate to that because overcoming the fear of failure or success is so difficult!!

  • Juliana Says:
    March 4th, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Thank you so much! I know, it's a strange balance between routine/structure and freedom. I feel that, too.

  • Juliana Says:
    March 4th, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Thank you!! I feel so good about where it's going, but yeah, it's sort of a "WHAT? THEY THINK I'M A GROWNUP?" every time I have to do something official.

  • Juliana Says:
    March 4th, 2011 at 9:16 am

    wheee! Thanks, Erin. I'm sticking this comment in my "encouragement" file for the days I feel like crap. ;)

  • Juliana Says:
    March 4th, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Oh wow, that is an awesome quote. We often are our own worst enemy, aren't we?

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