I Didn’t Ask For Any Of This

posted 11th February 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Family, Job/Career/Work, Katharine, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel, Travel/Adventure

I remember the moment like it happened yesterday.

It was a Tuesday morning in March and I was laying on my bathroom floor in the fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably.  My entire body felt numb, I couldn’t stop crying, and all I thought was, “I just want to stop feeling this way.” I had spiraled into my second bout of depression, this one much uglier than the first.  I knew why I was crying, why I felt numb, and why – for a split second – I was contemplating suicide, but I didn’t want to admit it.  Because when you admit something and put it out there, it becomes real.

It’s scary admitting I have contemplated suicide once in my life, but I know I would never go through with it.  My father killed himself when I was 12 years old and I was the one who found him.  At the time, I didn’t understand suicide or the kind of impact it would have on a child.

Even at 27 I still don’t understand it, but I know how emotionally damaging and soul-crushing it is to lose a father at such a young age.  The image has scarred me permanently.

I’ve been fighting depression on and off for the last eight years.  My first battle occurred in June 2003.  I was a Sophomore in college, trying to get out of an abusive relationship, and my mother had just passed away.  My world shattered instantly. I lost my mother, I had no father, I left my boyfriend, and I nearly failed school because I was too depressed to get out of bed, let alone go to class.

As I was laying on the bathroom floor that morning in March, images of my parents flashed through my head.  Moments of happiness.  Scenes from my childhood.  Memories of us laughing together.  Seven years of not grieving properly for my mother, and 15 years of not properly grieving for my father had finally caught up to me.

It takes courage to seek professional help.

“I need help,” I whispered.  I had finally said it out loud.  Even if I was the only one who heard it, I put it out there and it became real. I knew right then and there that it was time for me to work through my pain of loneliness and depression.

Two days later, I had an appointment with a therapist.

I wasn’t going to apply for a Season 4 Blogger position because I thought I had already conquered my Quarterlife Crisis. At the age of 25, I beat my battle with cervical cancer and was in remission, my nonprofit organization was successful and making strong profits, and I had survived the loss of both of my parents.  I had my life on track, a solid career path, and I knew what I wanted.

Looking back on all of it, and seeing where I am right now, I realize that I wasn’t dealing with a Quarterlife Crisis; I was dealing with a series of unfortunate life events.  Losing my parents.  Getting cancer.  It can happen to anyone, at any point in their lives.

Why did it happen to me at such a young age?  I’m still trying to figure that out.

I thought my run of bad luck was over, but then my law firm announced dissolution in December.  Two weeks before Christmas, the Managing Partner took me into his office and told me not to come back after the holiday.  I was devastated.  I took for granted the comfort and security that comes with having a full-time job that provides health insurance, a retirement fund, and free coffee every day (hey, it’s the little things).

If that wasn’t enough, my nonprofit was suffering from the terrible economy, clients decided they weren’t going to support us for 2011 because they didn’t have the funds, and my volunteers resigned.  When it rains, it pours.  Once again, my world shattered instantly and I felt like a complete failure.

Winston Churchill said:

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

I joke with my friends about how I feel like I’m 45 trapped in a 27 year old body.  I feel like I’ve been through hell and back, and you know what?  It sucks.  I’m in the midst of my Quarterlife Crisis, but I’m determined to come out on top.

For the first time in my life, I have no commitments, no deadlines, and nothing holding me back from living life on my own terms. So, I’m going to make the most of this tragic situation and turn it into an incredible opportunity. I‘m going to spend as much time as I want teaching English and traveling the world, and the most exciting thing is that I get to share this journey with you over the next six months.

New experiences, fresh opportunities, beautiful sights, amazing discoveries, and lots of soul-searching.

My goals for these six months:

1. Get certified to teach English. The 4-week program is going to be very intense and rigorous, and from what alums have said, it’s very bootcamp-like.

2. Embrace my fears, doubts, and insecurities as I spend the next six months living abroad on my own. I don’t like emotions and I’m very good at pushing negative feelings away, so I really want to work on this.

So, here I am, calling on you – my readers, my friends, my Season 4 ‘sisters,’ and Molly – to keep me accountable.  With a huge life-changing event such as this one, comes tons of emotions, insecurities, fear, and doubt. I’m trying to brace myself for what comes next, but I’m hoping you can support and push me as I work to complete these goals by the end of my Stratejoy adventure.

It’s going to be one hell of a journey, so sit back and enjoy the ride.

[Note from Coach Molly: Damn, Kate.  I knew all of this, but to watch it come out in one big massive post, tears me up and my heart wells at what a rough go it's been for you.  But I know you are strong, and even more importantly, you are open to hope.  And new opportunity.  And grace.  You are facing your life and this next adventure with courage I can only hope to have.  I will so be here beside you (or across the ocean from you!) to support you through your goals.  Especially that lovely embrace of your hard stuff.  We are all going to be here for you.]

[photo credit: Leonard John Matthews]

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Comments (21)

21 Responses to “I Didn’t Ask For Any Of This”

  • Alisha Says:
    February 11th, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Oh, sweetie, if you only knew how closely I could relate to this. Though I didn't have to suffer through the loss of parents, I know that deep, dark place all too well. The most brave and courageous thing we can do for ourselves is to admit that we need help and then seek it.

    My husband often calls me a grandma…I also feel like I'm about 20 years older than my actual age and am really trying to regain that sense of youth and vitality. We do have it–it's there–just hard to find because of the depression. But you're going to get there and I think your move is laying the perfect groundwork for it. Sending you lots of light and love.

  • Juliana Says:
    February 11th, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Kate, I cried reading this – but not out of pity or sadness for what you've been through. I cried because of your bravery and boldness and because I'm so happy you are taking ownership of your life and making all of these incredible changes. I have a feeling that things will never be the same after the next six months.

  • amandafarough Says:
    February 11th, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Sweet merciful hell. Tears, sugar. I'm so honoured to sharing this space with you over the next six months. You are strength incarnate.

  • pixie658 Says:
    February 11th, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    I related to this post more than almost any other Stratejoy post ever. Go you for embracing these goals and knowing that you are so important to the Universe. You are. Not sure what else to say other than, I'm cheering you on so madcore right now and sending you so much Internet love.

  • Kate Says:
    February 11th, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Betcha weren't expecting such a depressing post, eh?! :)

  • Kate Says:
    February 11th, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Betcha weren't expecting such a depressing post, eh?! ;)

  • Kate Says:
    February 11th, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    I totally agree about seeking help. I was always someone who believed they could solve their own problems, but it eventually caught up to me and I realized that if I didn't seek help, I wasn't sure I would be able to make it. I'm so incredibly grateful to find the courage to do so, and it was one of the best decisions I could have possibly made for myself, but every once in a while I still have bad moments.

  • Big L Says:
    February 11th, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Sweet Jesus. That was intense in a saddening way, yet gripping and powerful in a really good way. What courage you have to summarize your whole story in one post like that. You've been through more hell than you deserve, that's for damn sure. But the great news is, you're still here and you're about to embark on an amazing journey that will hopefully bring your more happiness and new discoveries than your heart can hold. So glad to be here providing support along the way.

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    February 11th, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    And it's posts like these that make me ever so proud to have you as one of my best friends.

  • Kate Says:
    February 12th, 2011 at 9:06 am

    Betcha weren't expecting such a depressing post, eh?

    It's definitely been an intense journey, but I know it's only made me stronger and I'm very grateful for having the strength to survive all of it so far.

    It's true what they say, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

  • Kate Says:
    February 12th, 2011 at 9:07 am

    Right back at you, girl friend. I'm so blessed to have someone like you in my life, helping me through all of this. I don't know what I would do without you!

    XOXO

  • Jenny Blake Says:
    February 12th, 2011 at 9:19 am

    You are an absolutely incredible woman, Kate (I still think of you as KT :) . Your resilience and fortitude and survivor-ness is unparalleled. My heart goes out to you for all of the crazy life events you've had to go through, and it just makes me well up with tears to see how determined you are to keep going and to make a difference for others. You are an inspiration and a beautiful soul. xoxo

  • amandafarough Says:
    February 12th, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Not depressing at all, interestingly enough. I've been there and the truth of it is that you have to have this incredible amount of strength to overcome it AND to acknowledge it. It's what makes us more than survivors. It's what defines us as warriors.

  • asummermoon Says:
    February 12th, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    W-o-w how brave of you to share such an intimate piece of your life. You have a supporter in me! I'm telling you girl, you wouldn't believe how many young women will read this courageous post and feel encouraged knowing they are not alone in their struggles. As I was reading I couldn't help smile at your story. It's funny how losing everything we've come to love can totally transform our thinking and motivate an amazing life change.

  • Kate Says:
    February 13th, 2011 at 9:39 am

    This made me smile so much. I can't tell you how much your support means to me. I'm SO so incredibly blessed to have you as my friend. You're truly amazing and I can't wait to read your book soon!

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    February 13th, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing. Someone else given your same basket in life could have allowed it to break them apart. Instead you've chosen to share, learn and grow. You've decided to embrace life and kick open a new door, knowing that (as scary as the unknown is) hope is on the other side. Keep going. You're an inspiration!

  • Kate Says:
    February 13th, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    I love the last sentence in your comment. I am really trying to work through my past so that I can get to a better, brighter future. Some days it's really easy, and some days it's really, really painful, but each day I know I'm getting one step closer to my own happiness. I'm so glad to have wonderful supporters. Thank you!

  • Stephanie Rogers Says:
    February 13th, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    What an amazing post. You are so brave to share yourself with the universe in this way. I'm 37 now and have lived through my fair share of challenges. I admire your strength to take life by the horns and search out your next new adventure. You're going to LOVE Prague!! It's one of my favorite cities. It's so fully of life! I've also had the fun experience of teaching English as a second language in Russia and here in the US to various groups. I found it to be such a rewarding experience – I'm confident that it will be an amazing experience for you too! I can't wait to follow your adventures through this blog. Sending you happy thoughts!

  • suki Says:
    February 21st, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    I am absolutely amazed by your outlook after all that you have been through. I echo others in saying that you are so brave. Though I don't always comment on every post, I am following along and sending good thoughts your way. So you can definitely count on me on keeping you accountable. :)

    I've always wanted to get certified for teaching English abroad. I just never did it, so I want to hear how it goes!

  • Kate Says:
    February 22nd, 2011 at 7:14 am

    Thanks for the support, Suki! :) I always wonder who reads my posts that doesn't comment – good to know that I have more followers out there than just 10! ;)

    My TEFL program is supposed to be pretty intense – like med school intense. I'll definitely write about the experience!

  • Chris Says:
    January 23rd, 2012 at 4:49 am

    Wonderful post. Very open and honest.

    It's good to read another post in the same vein as the one I wrote. I was so terrified to post it, but the bravery of people like yourself helped immensely.

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