My Life Was An Optical Illusion

posted 9th February 2011 Written by: Laura CATEGORY: Laura, Season 4, What I've Learned

authenticity, Clarity, Goal Setting, happiness, Laura Melanson, Life Lessons, Season 4

Let’s rewind about six months, to last summer. Here’s what my life looked like:

I was working too much. At my own business, which was a bonus, but still with a strive-achieve-produce mindset. I was going to yoga and loved how hard it was, but hadn’t yet begun to settle in to it. I was carrying 10 extra pounds that I hadn’t yet accepted and was cranky with the slow, hateful process of chasing a former, more fit version of me. I was discovering my passion for entrepreneurship and it was making me extremely restless. I wanted many projects, many businesses, many successes and I wanted them RIGHT NOW.

I was swirling with a desire to move forward, yet was held back by a longing to slow down.

That dichotomy – that feeling of being torn and not knowing which option you truly want – is why I’m here, sharing with all of you. Because I know I’m not the only one who battles with producing vs. creating, with pushing vs. being. I know I’m not the only one who doesn’t know how to balance achievement and peace, but really wants to figure it out.

The truth about my life six months ago is that it was an optical illusion.

It was drastically improved over the six months prior, when I was slaving away for a boss I didn’t respect, in an environment that constricted me, with no energy or patience left for myself or my loved ones. Compared to that, things looked good. Great, even. But when I looked past the illusion and called its bluff, I saw that I was still nowhere near being fulfilled.

I was nowhere near living authentically.

That realization sucked. It felt like the reveal of a big truth, like being told Santa Clause doesn’t exist. I think offering our unique gifts to the world is what life’s all about. Living my best life is important to me because it’s what I’m meant to do. But it’s not easy and it takes effort, and I just hadn’t been pulling my weight.

So in mid-August, I cracked open Stratejoy’s Gutsy Girl’s Guide to Success and dedicated an entire weekend to workshopping through it with my BFF. The questions it posed were tough, but the answers were invigorating and insightful. They left me with a clear picture of what being me looks like. Especially these ones:

I refer to those answers often, but I haven’t yet completed a plan for how to action them. I’m working on it and hope to share it with you soon. In the meantime, I’m committing to three things. Because I need to start somewhere. I need to leap and just trust that I’m going to land somewhere better.

Within the next six months I will:

1. Run a half marathon. I’ve ran half marathons before, but it’s been a few years. The discipline, commitment and time it takes feels unfamiliar to me now. But I want to remember the joy of running often and the exhilaration of running far. I want to feel my muscles really work. It makes me feel alive. So I’ve registered for a race on May 22nd.

2. Share my story with a group of women in my community. My journey to authenticity is only just beginning, but I’ve already learned a ton about owning up to who you are and are not, getting real about your dreams, creating a values-based business, and becoming passionate about your life. I want to combine those learnings into a compelling story I can present live, in person. I want to take my ability to inspire people to another level.

3. Watch the sunrise and like it. Sounds simple, but it’s not. It’ll require me to be taking care of myself enough that getting up before dawn feels good, not awful. It’ll require me to pause long enough to sit there, watch, and feel the beauty of a new day. That means not checking email or stressing about what I need to that day or rushing off somewhere immediately afterwards. No! I will sit, be, appreciate, and like every second of it.

[Note from Coach Molly: Oh, Laura, you and I are two sides of the same coin! When your striving grabs hold, you work harder. Push with bigger effort. When the striving grabs me, I get overwhelmed and frightened and tend to retreat... Neither will help us flourish in the ways we desire. Love, love, love that you are owning up to your tendency and how it is at odds with the life you want to lead. And I'm super psyched to support you with these three lovely goals, both here on the blog and in Group.]

{Photo credit: My vision board for 2011.}

Comments (21)

759621 ResponsesMy+Life+Was+An+Optical+Illusion2011-02-09+17%3A00%3A28Laura to “My Life Was An Optical Illusion”

amandafarough Says:
February 9th, 2011 at 9:11 am
Oh, Big L, I love this. So honest and raw. And a half marathon? That's amazing. I sho as hell won't be doing that in six months so love it up for both of us. I miss running. <33
Doniree Says:
February 9th, 2011 at 9:13 am
I can totally relate! I'm constantly battling between input and output – what you said creating and producing. It's a balance, and I feel like I'm *closer* now than ever before to my most authentic self, but that I'm still on the journey. GO YOU.
Kate Says:
February 9th, 2011 at 9:42 am
I love your answers to those three questions. And big kudos to you for committing to run a half marathon! I ran a full marathon here in Philly 4 years ago and it was the worst. idea. ever.

Okay, maybe not the WORST idea. It was a huge accomplishment for me, but I won't ever run it again.

Best of luck with your goals! Can't wait to see how your progress goes!
Big L Says:
February 9th, 2011 at 11:11 am
Yes, I know, a half marathon. Eeeek. It's been cold and snowy here lately and I've been having a hard time getting out for runs…but that May date looms and I'll be running it whether I'm ready or not! I'll try to enjoy it a little bit extra for you.
Big L Says:
February 9th, 2011 at 11:12 am
Oh, I'm SO glad I'm not the only one who's so torn!! Good to know you're getting closer to a balance, that's encouraging. I'm sure it's never a cake walk, but I'm hoping its like forming any type of habit and does get easier with time.
Big L Says:
February 9th, 2011 at 11:15 am
I've only ever tackled the half distance and running a full would probably be my worst. idea. ever too!

I think the half is going to definitely be a challenge, but not full-on torture. Hopefully
stephamus Says:
February 9th, 2011 at 2:51 pm
Thank you Laura for you blog post. Reading the Stratejoy blogs and having just recently started the Joy Equation myself, I'm still trying to work through the muddled mess that has become where I am versus where I want to be and I also completely understand feeling like you want a hundred million things ALLRIGHTTHISSECOND, sometimes I get very anxious thinking about all of the things I'd like to do and without stopping to think that I have plenty of time to do all of them, I get all worked up that I'm not going ALL of them at this very moment.

Thank you for sharing with us!

P.S. I love that I can see the tiny top of the Mickey Mouse blot head from Epic Mickey in that pic!
Big L Says:
February 9th, 2011 at 4:07 pm
Thank YOU for reading and for admitting that you can relate! I need to hear that, too, because you're right, it can create a lot of anxiety this rush-rush-rush feeling. Boo.

But on to more important things, I LOVE that you spotted Epic Mickey. Good eye!! I got it for Christmas and it's the BEST GAME EVER! Do you have it? Do you love it? Can we be BFFs? OK, good!
Dee Says:
February 9th, 2011 at 4:58 pm
You have no idea how much I can relate to your whole list, but more specifically, #3. I, too, am looking for the day-to-day consistency and dedication to create a life that allows me to soak up a sunrise. It’s going to take so much work, but I absolutely love the way you put that into words. It will be such a gift we can give to ourselves, knowing it’s no ordinary sunrise, but that it’s a sunrise that we deserve to enjoy!
deebuzzing Says:
February 9th, 2011 at 4:59 pm
You have no idea how much I can relate to your whole list, but more specifically, #3. I, too, am looking for the day-to-day consistency and dedication to create a life that allows me to soak up a sunrise. It's going to take so much work, but I absolutely love the way you put that into words. It will be such a gift we can give to ourselves, knowing it's no ordinary sunrise, but that it's a sunrise that we deserve to enjoy!
Hannah Says:
February 9th, 2011 at 5:47 pm
Laura, once again this sounds familiar! I dove head first into a business that I adore, but that doesn't entirely fulfill me. I thought it would. Surprise! I want more! And like you, I kind of want it right now. Thank you for sharing your story.

Also, ran my 2nd half marathon in October. Which one are you running? What a great goal! I was trying to convince myself to do another, but the thing we don't have in common is loving running. I kind of hate every second of it.
erinmakesitwork Says:
February 9th, 2011 at 6:19 pm
I too can totally relate to how you're feeling. As a freelance writer and a nanny, I constantly struggle with just letting myself be. I constantly want to push, push, push, but when I fill my plate too full, I get scared and overwhelmed and feel like I will never find that balance. I still want to create/sell crocheted crafts, homemade pet toys, healthier versions of cookies and cupcakes and homemade cosmetics. It's tough to figure out to balance life's requirements with dreams. Hand in there, I can't way to hear more.
Big L Says:
February 10th, 2011 at 4:29 am
You should work towards the sunrise goal with me then! You're right, it is a lot of work to get there, but it will be worth it!
Big L Says:
February 10th, 2011 at 4:33 am
Oh, I'm so glad you're liking my sharing so far. It's amazing how complicating this whole fulfillment concept is, isn't it? It takes an awful lot of work to feel at ease in our lives…how ironic!

I'm running the Bluenose Marathon in Halifax. Even though it's in my city every year, I've never participated because it's been known to have crappy weather and it requires training right now – in the midst of a ton of snow and cold temperatures. Not fun! But, I'm trying.

I actually hope to run a second one later in the year, maybe even get out to the Scotiabank Waterfront Marathon in Toronto. We'll see!
Big L Says:
February 10th, 2011 at 4:36 am
I love this comment…it makes me think of another point, too: That we have "hard" goals and "soft" goals. Like, if your writing and nannying are your primary means of making a living, then crafting feels secondary, like a "soft" goal that is a little less important. When actually, it is feeds your soul, it's MORE important. Our side projects often make us feel the best, but we treat them as if they're less deserving of our time. Hmmm. Yet another thing for us to problem solve!
stephamus Says:
February 10th, 2011 at 6:14 am
I ALSO got Epic Mickey for Christmas and I am SO obsessed with it! I love it so much, I love everything Disney but I love love love this game! I am so glad you do too! And yes, we can totally be BFFs now. LIKERIGHTNOW!
Bri - Habbala Says:
February 10th, 2011 at 9:19 am
Fact: I am making my vision board this weekend. YOU ARE TOTALLY INSPIRING.
alisha Says:
February 10th, 2011 at 3:07 pm
This post really resonated with me. Sometimes it feels like achievement and balance are mutually exclusive! I read a lot of inspiring articles about pursuing your dreams, but sometimes I don't feel like I'm willing to pay the cost of working myself into the ground. Glad to hear I'm not the only one who struggles with this.
Big L Says:
February 10th, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Awesome!!
Big L Says:
February 11th, 2011 at 5:22 am
You're absolutely not! As much as I love dreams, I don't want to be working so hard that days – and MY LIFE – just pass on by! No way! I 100% believe you can have both. Now, we just need to figure out what that looks like.
Alisha Says:
February 11th, 2011 at 8:30 am
Love your list of goals. Can't wait to see what your plan of action looks like!

My Life Was An Optical Illusion

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