The Loneliness

posted 17th February 2011    Written by: Bri    CATEGORY: Bri, Love/Relationships, Season 4

Lately, I would describe my energy as manic.  That’s what happens when this girl, generally energetic and joyful, tries to fake happiness. My energy becomes frantic, anxious, insecure, and disconnected.  I do not feel like myself at all.  While I wish the culprit could be something external like “working too much” or “not enough sleep, too much coffee” I have to admit that’s not what’s going on right now.

Instead I need to come clean about something; I don’t particularly like myself right now.  Instead of the independent and confident woman I’ve been aiming for, I am full-on in a period of loneliness and insecurity.  The last thing I’ve wanted to do this week is sit with alone and be real with myself.  I have been completely and frantically avoiding myself.

Ugh.  Running from yourself is exhausting.

I’ve known that if I stopped for too long enough I would have to deal with the annoying reemergence of loneliness and insecurity.   I am frustrated that I am still dealing with these dark places.  I have dealt with a ton of the broken-heart messes. In fact I feel like so much of my energy has been dedicated to dealing with my broken pieces. Then here comes loneliness and insecurity, again.  I hate it.

If I’m honest, I could admit that I haven’t ever been a huge fan of the loneliness. Instead of learning how to be comfortable alone, I hid in a not-so-great-for-me relationship (Genius move).  Instead of finding my validation from within, like I KNOW I am supposed to be doing, I sought validation in another person; a person who wasn’t actually all that nice to me to begin with.

Take away life lesson?  If you don’t deal with your baggage, your baggage goes and recruits it’s homies (big burly homies with baseball bats) to come rough you up a little bit.  In other words, I have to deal with this mess eventually and it appears that the day of reckoning has arrived.

So now I  dive in to dealing with the broken pieces again. The first step is going to be to stop being so hard on myself that I am at this place of loneliness.  It has to be ok to have bad patches; I just need to remind myself that the dark places are when change happens.

For the loneliness, I am going to connect back up with myself.  Find all the little nuggets in me that make me proud and sparkley.  I am going to remind myself of the great parts of me until the idea of spending time alone doesn’t make me uncomfortable.  I am going to do the things that make me feel comfortable in this body.  I have a half-marathon in June, training starts now.

As this process continues, I can stop avoiding the Joy Equation prompts piling up in my inbox.  I don’t need to wait to figure things out before I FIGURE THINGS OUT. That doesn’t even make any sense.  The Joy Equation’s first step is connecting with myself, and that has been scaring the hell out of me.

It may not be easy but I am worth it. I know that spending this time with myself is going to be the guarantee that in six months I will not be in the same place I am today.  Forward movement is the goal; movement toward a life that I have set on fire.

[photo credit: hipposrunsuperfast]

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Comments (20)

20 Responses to “The Loneliness”

  • Beth Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Dearest Bri, I feel as though I've just read a letter written from my braver, wholer, more centered self. Take comfort (as I am) in knowing you are not alone in this very same struggle. You have an advocate outside of yourself, and I'll be pulling for you and praying for you as you step fearlessly into those dark places. Thanks for being vunerable- you are amazing. xo beth

  • Kate Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 10:31 am

    "The dark places are where change happens."

    As someone who's seen those dark places more than I'm willing to admit, I couldn't agree more with that statement.

    You bring out so much beauty in this post, and I really enjoy your honesty in admitting your loneliness. Most people won't admit that to themselves, let alone to the entire Internet.

    And you are worth it, lady. You're worth it and so much more.

  • Nora Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Loneliness is a tough place to be and a tough thing to deal with; I've often said I can feel lonely in a room full of people because it's true. When I feel like that, I do some deep soul-searching AND surround myself with those that love me and help me find myself (ahem, you). It's a process. It's not easy. But I have no doubt that you will totally set your life on fire and I can't wait to witness it. I would have to say that you're already on the way and I see huge, awesome changes in you already since you started this process =) Thanks for sharing it all with us! <3.

  • suki Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    One of my greatest fears is loneliness, but it shouldn't be. I should be able to stand alone and be as I am and love who I am. Those prompts piled up in my inbox too… I put them in a special folder. Perhaps I need to get back on that.

  • dominique Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    I don’t need to wait to figure things out before I FIGURE THINGS OUT – this makes so much sense to me. i feel like we're raised in a process, one foot after the other, first grade then second grade then so on – until all of a sudden there is no more path and you have all the choices in the world – and sometimes you're just waiting for the next step. but waiting gets us nowhere – a simple lesson that's been really hard for me to learn, so thank you for reaffirming it in such an honest way.

    thank you for your overall honesty in this post as well – no one likes them, but we all have the down/lonely/insecure moments – sometimes struggling to reach the surface only drags you down further, and the only way through the struggle is to be calm and still with it, let it in and through – and walk out of the tunnel on the other side.

  • Anonymoys Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    Great post, i feel the same way these days! Nice to know others feel that way too–but you're right, the dark patches are there for a reason and thats where we learn the lessons. Good for you for starting to deal and good luck :) Know that you are not alone

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    Thank you so much Beth. Sometimes I think we all need to be reminded that we're not alone in the sad parts.

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    What? The entire internet? :-P

    Yes. It's definitely a struggle sometimes to post the deep, dark stuff.. but if it helps anyone feel a little better than it's worth it, right?

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    I freaking love you to pieces my friend.

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    Yes! Tackle the Joy Equation again, it has been AMAZING. That Molly knows what she's doing :)

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    Yes. Exactly. Thank you.

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    I've been waiting for this post for two weeks, Bri. TWO WEEKS. I think you make the dark sound beautiful, and honestly? The dark is where beauty comes from. So here's to you and the hopes that you get back on the path of light and happy very soon.

    Unless you already are there, which with your dedication, I'm sure you are ;)

  • mininggarnet Says:
    February 18th, 2011 at 6:22 am

    "I just need to remind myself that the dark places are when change happens." Word.

    I am all too familiar with the feeling of I REALLY have to face this AGAIN?! But the fact that you are living it and writing about it and actively making strides to change it (Hello half marathon- Badass.) makes you an inspiration.

  • Natalie Says:
    February 18th, 2011 at 7:56 am

    Bri,

    Thank you so much for sharing your struggle and owning your feelings. You are so brave and I admire you!

    ~Natalie

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    February 18th, 2011 at 8:11 am

    Hahaha, remember how I told you to change everything about it? I'm glad you didn't. It was definitely honest and painful… and then some good things came my way a few days later :)

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    February 18th, 2011 at 8:12 am

    Hahahaha, yes. Exactly. Totally annoyed with myself sometimes for having to deal with things repeatedly.

  • deebuzzing Says:
    February 20th, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    word.

  • deebuzzing Says:
    February 20th, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    ditto, sista!

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    February 21st, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Those dark, lonely times are what make us appreciate the sparkly times even more. Go out there and find all the sparkly Bri things that make you, you. I know from these few short weeks of reading your words there are many, many things that make you special. Let them shine. I'll be here cheering you on.

  • Happiness, Bold Love, and a Husband. | Stratejoy | Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis through Fresh Strategies for Real Joy Says:
    July 21st, 2011 at 7:01 am

    [...] never have imagined for yourself in January? Lets see, from the time I wrote a post called “The Loneliness” I fell madly in love, got pregnant, and got married.  (No big deal or anything. Holy Life [...]

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