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A Heart Assessment

posted 31st March 2011    Written by: Bri    CATEGORY: Bri, Family, Life Lesson

How’s your heart today?

There is a cardiologist in California who asks this question to his patients at every appointment.  It appears to be a pretty standard question, but it is actually a super personal question if you think about it.  In a cardiologist’s office this question gets to diet, stress level, exercise, and amount of sleep.  However, if you’ve ever watched an epidsode of House, you know that people aren’t always the most honest in the doctors office.  To really get at the true status of a patients heart, a cardiologist runs a stress test.  The way your heart responds under pressure is the most accurate picture of your heart’s health.

Stress brings out the truth about your heart’s status; but not just our physical heart.

It’s so easy in daily life to put on the facade of being great.  When everything is easy and peaceful, we can convince ourselves and others that the state of our hearts are double-rainbows and unicorn happiness.  But what happens when your life gets hard, complicated, and messy?  How do you respond?  And what does that say about the state of your heart.

I’ve always considered myself to be super open; to a fault perhaps.  My best friend once said that one of my weaknessess was not protecting my heart well enough.  I didn’t mind though, I wore my heart on my sleeve with pride.  Convinced that anyone in my life deserved privleges to all of me.

Then my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer last year.

Last July/August, when I was waiting for test results from my mom’s colon cancer diagnosis… I shut down in a lot of ways; and I wonder now how much that says about the state of my heart.  I was definitely not open to people; I did everything in my power to avoid talking about it.  I waited weeks to tell my best friend, because she was a friend who KNEW my mother; she wouldn’t let me get away with not talking.   Maybe my heart isn’t as open as I thought it was.

So, here’s what I decided: there is a part of me heart that is deeply afraid to rely on most people to understand the complexity of the pain that I carry with me.  The “stress test” I went through last year told me that my heart has grown to be protective and selective, but that doesn’t mean I am avoiding everything all the time.  If the issue with my mom’s cancer was JUST cancer?

I would have been fine; but it wasn’t.  The diagnosis required a quick and magnified focus on the relationship I have with my mom.  The painful parts.  The parts I don’t talk about 99% of the time, because talking about them hurts like hell.  This is a part of me that is not meant to be shared with everyone.  However, there is no part about the pain I carry that isn’t known by someone else.  Everything about me does not need to be known by everyone, but everything about me needs to be known by somebody.  Sharing everything with everyone is probably a good thing to grow out of.  I told my best friend eventually and we talked about all of it and I made sure to find someone here to talk to also.

So, the status of my heart?  Still working.  A little less open perhaps, but still known and hopeful.  Definitely hopeful.  There are some new walls up, and it might take Mr. A and other new people to get past them all, but I 100% trust that the right people will have NO problem getting through them at all.  Status of my optimism and faith?  Fully operational.
How’s your heart today?
{photo credit}
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Making Life a Little More Vacation-Like

posted 30th March 2011    Written by: Laura    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Laura, Season 4, Travel

Ahhh, vacation. The decadent, scarce concept of taking a break. Being off the grid. Living, for the most part, without deadlines, demands on your time and attention, or the pressure to perform. It’s damn good, isn’t it?

I spent the last week in Mexico; doing a whole lot of nothing. Drinking, eating, tanning, and celebrating the nuptials of two of my favorite people.

For me, one of the best parts about vacation is that I barely have to use my brain. Thinking, analyzing, trying, doing; it all gets put on hold. I don’t question the meaning of life or grapple with how to be more fulfilled. Oh no. I flick an internal switch, turn it all off, and it feels downright delicious.

They say all good things come to an end. And in the case of vacation, that’s always true. That’s partly what makes it so sweet – returning home, to your own comforts and your own bed – but also so…unnerving. Because it gets me thinking: why must vacation feel SO MUCH BETTER than real life? I mean, there’s a difference between “Yay! That was so much fun!” and “Oh God. When I wake up tomorrow, real life resumes. Damn.”

No matter where I go or what I do, I always have one very specific, sinking feeling. I don’t want to go back to work. In my former life, when my workplace felt like hell on earth, this sinking feeling was more like an aching chasm of despair. Vacation was a frightening reminder of how much I hated my job. Now, being my own boss, it’s not so bad. But the return from vacation is still no peach.

Case in point? Last night, I had a restless sleep. The kind where I wanted a good night’s sleep, because I knew performance expectations would rise with the sun. I would have to accomplish something; serve somebody. But I kept waking to check the time, wondering how many more hours of vacation-induced peace I had left. You ever have those nights? (Please say yes.)

Well this time, I’m challenging that cloud of dread. I will not sit back and accept it. Instead, I will question it. I will push back. I will ask: What would make my life feel a little more vacation-like? A little more at ease. A little more exploratory. A little more casual. A little more like late breakfasts, poolside reading and pina coladas.

For starters, I wouldn’t feel hemmed in, controlled or uber accountable to anyone. I like being accountable to one person: me. Selfish? Perhaps. But it’s also peaceful, comfortable, kind, and flexible; just the way I like it.

I would enjoy at least one Internet-free day a week. That means no emails, no social media, no online news consumption or distractions.

I would spend more time in situations that allow me to work independently, to interact with people who are confidantes and equals, and to explore possibilities as openly and creatively as I want.

I would honor my values more. I have seven pages in my Stratejoy notebook, outlining ideas for ways I can nurture creativity, authenticity, momentum, bigness, kindness, money, and fun. But I don’t pay attention to them. Figuring out how to do that would be a total treat.

I’d focus on making enough money – living comfortably – but not on making as much money as I possibly can. I’d way rather direct that extra effort and clarity of mind to other things. Like creative expression, learning and exploration of some of my big ideas; even if they don’t yield any cash flow, profile or further opportunities.

You know what else would be scrumptious and vacation-like? Doing nothing but creating content. Writing magazine articles, a book, scripts, or motivational speeches for a living. Creating my own schedule and maybe, someday, not serving clients at all. Unless you count magazines, publishers, blog readers; that sort of thing.

The more I think about it, the more a little voice inside gets louder. It tells me that I’m pretty good at seeing the big picture, being positive, staying grounded, and having faith. It tells me that I’m passionate about keeping things in perspective and that I love sharing that perspective with others.

It tells me that I would love it if the only way I was accountable to other people was to inspire them. Then, life might feel a little more like vacation. A little more at ease. A little more exploratory. A little more casual. A little more like late breakfasts, poolside reading and pina coladas.

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Can I be honest? I’m terrified.

posted 29th March 2011    Written by: Amanda    CATEGORY: All Posts, Amanda, Family, Job/Career/Work, Love/Relationships, Season 4

Note: this is my very first video blog, like, ever. Be gentle… but be honest: how’d I do? If you’re a mama, tell me how you’ve dealt with your terror and freakouts. I would love to see how other mamas — or mamas to be — deal. You all give me such inspiration. ILU.

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5 Reasons Why the Quarterlife Crisis is Good for You

posted 28th March 2011    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: Life Lesson, Molly, Quarterlife Crisis

Having a Quarterlife Crisis is not normally seen as a positive event. I get that. I mean, the word “crisis” is present…   And most of us don’t associate anything great coming from a quarterlife “crisis” or midlife “crisis” or identity “crisis” or even a wardrobe “crisis” for that matter!

But there is a golden lining to this Quarterlife Crisis.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how my life has changed in the last four years and how it wouldn’t have been possible without hitting my personal rock bottom first.  I’ve also gotten a rash of emails and phone calls from old clients who’ve experienced so much positive change in their lives since facing their QLC (or midlife or new mama or I’ve-been-fired crisis) head on.

It’s cemented.  These times of transition and seeking and pain can be good for us.

5 Reasons Why the Quarterlife Crisis is Good for You

1. It forces to you re-evaluate your priorities. When your life turns upside down, you have no choice but to really examine:  What do I care about?  What’s not working in my life?  What does seem to be working?  And the biggie:  If “this” isn’t working for me, what might instead?

So many times we’re acting on the expectations of someone else (society, our parents, that influential first husband) simply because we don’t know any differently. We though doing things correctly was our ticket to happiness.  Do well in school, get a great job, snag that promotion, find an amazing partner, check, check, check.

No one ever taught us how to define our own personal values or the importance of happiness as the fuel to success. By sloshing around in the pit of a crisis, we have no choice.  Picking ourselves up and moving forward forces us to re-examine priorities on our own terms.

2. It opens you up to new possibilities, crazy as they may seem. When your first (second, third) version of your life doesn’t make your heart sing, you eventually come to the conclusion that your path may require something else from you. 

Something wild.  Something new.  Something different.

Your new possibility is probably something you had never even imagined back in university.  Or perhaps you dreamed about it, but dismissed it as crazy.  Entrepreneur?  Gluten-free Baker?  Stay at home Mama? Movement therapist?  Writer?  World Traveler?  Pshaw.

But when the only world you know comes crashing down around your ears in a over-committed, over-alcholed, over-making-every-one-else-happy pile–you are forced to consider those “crazy” options.  Consider them and try them on for size and find the most amazing you version of you.

3. Sometimes hitting bottom is the only way to rise to the top in a meaningful way. I always think of this quote from Po Bronson when I’m looking back, fondly, on my own Quarterlife Crisis: “Failure’s hard, but success is far more dangerous. If you’re successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever.”

What if I hadn’t hit bottom?  Would I be still be a sales manager in my black suit and heels and fake mask? Would I be happy?  Would my life have the meaning and richness it does now?

I think not.  I thank my QLC for showing me the fissures in my own life, for giving me the chance to rediscover myself in such a juicy, fulfilling way.

 4. It allows you to declare a personal emergency. Emergencies require immediate attention, right?  A Quarterlife Crisis requires attention too.  It requires support from people who’ve been there or are in the midst with you.  It requires you to put your “life plan” on hold, so you craft the authentic version.

Giving your apathy and confusion a name allows you to become the boss of it, instead of letting it sneak into every corner of your life and paralyze you with it’s wily doubts.  It allows you to declare battle, to approach it with the strength of an Amazon warrior.

You are suddenly on a quest to save your own life.  And that’s a pretty special experience.

5. Your compassion expands exponentially. Suddenly, you (the girl who always had her shit together) is experiencing not knowing what to do next.  Not knowing what to do right now.  Not knowing how you got to this point in the first place.

Your compassion for the world, for those who are struggling in any capacity, expands because you suddenly know what it’s feels like to lose control over your life.

Obviously, a Quarterlife Crisis is by no means a devastating natural disaster, revolt, or life threatening illness. But in experiencing your own personal upheaval, you develop the capacity to hold space in your heart for others who are hurting.  Hold space and then take action to help.

After all, practice makes perfect…

Conclusion

Even if you’re right in the middle of the QLC, can you see how you’re growing?  How it’s changing you?  The (ahem, ahem) advantages of having to rethink everything?

I’d love to hear your story or your additions to this list in the comments below.  What else have your learned from this crazy adventure, dear one?

amazing artwork via allisonstrine, it says “she lights up her own damn life”

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Remembering Who I Was

posted 27th March 2011    Written by: Juliana    CATEGORY: All Posts, Creativity, Inspiration, Juliana, Life Lesson, Season 4

The more I work on getting back in touch with the things I really love, the things that nourish my spirit and energize me, the more I realize that I used to be exactly who I want to be when I grow up.

When I was a kid, I made up songs and stories about everything from my stuffed animals to the daffodils along the sidewalk.  I set up forts in my closet and jumped from bed to chair to door to avoid the “lava” on the carpet. I did impressions and funny voices to entertain pets & family.

When I got sent to my room, I didn’t mind so much because that’s where the books were.
I laughed a lot. And I always had new ideas.

Now that I’m (supposedly) a grownup, the things I am trying to cultivate more of are writing, performing, imagination, and laughter. Coincidence?  Or was it much easier to be “myself” when I wasn’t as aware of other people?

As a child, I was floating around in my own little bubble a lot of the time. I have an older brother, but he’s about seven years older, which means we were both “only” children in a way. I spent a lot of time reading & writing, and even though I had plenty of friends, I often preferred alone time to playing in groups. Basically, I could be how I was without much influence from peer pressure.

The older I got, the more I was affected by societal expectations.  Though I was never really one of the girls, I did notice what girls were expected to be interested in, and expected to look and act like – and I noticed where I didn’t match up.  I gradually learned to confine certain hobbies & interests to their proper times and places (save the Robin Leach-style narration for Drama class, for example) instead of letting it all hang out whenever something occurred to me. Strange looks from peers and adults quickly convinced me that certain ideas, observations, and outbursts were not considered “normal”.  (I learned to pass for a regular person by keeping pretty quiet around people I wasn’t close to.)  Eventually, I learned to accept “weird” as a compliment, but still felt some shame about not being more like everyone else.

As an adult, I was supposed to have a normal, 9-5 job.  I was supposed to treat my creativity as a hobby that I might occasionally have time for.  I was supposed to be content with working at something I didn’t enjoy in order to do what I want when (if) I was able to retire.  I was supposed to want to watch three hours of “must see TV” every evening so I’d have something to talk about at the water cooler.

Well, doing all of that stuff didn’t make me happy.  And it certainly didn’t make me feel like Myself. I felt like a distorted image.  I looked and acted in a way that was mostly in line with my values…but just a little fuzzy, with the details blurred.

Part of my goal of radical self-love has been to spend more time alone to re-familiarize myself with my own mind. I have been writing in my journals a lot more, and writing for this blog has helped a bunch.  I’ve spent lots of time consciously avoiding too much input – TV, radio, social media – and instead spent some time in silence, listening to the thoughts that drift through unprompted.  I’ve found myself making up songs around the house, narrating the thoughts of my pets aloud, and reading books I’ve meant to read for a long time.   When I see my friends, I’m smiling a lot more and feeling less concerned with how I come across.  I’m sharing my authentic thoughts more easily.  I’m getting lots of great ideas about my new business.

In short, I’m becoming the person I used to be… and I like that kid a  whole bunch.

[photo credit: my dad]

(( Hey, did you know that Molly is doing a Scholarship Program right now??  If you’re going through your own Quarterlife Crisis you should definitely apply.  She’s a fun, compassionate and enthusiastic coach – an awesome person to have in your corner when you’re stuck. Go apply for the Scholarship coaching package right now!))

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