All The World’s a Balance Beam

posted 8th March 2011    Written by: Amanda    CATEGORY: All Posts, Amanda, Creativity, Job/Career/Work, Life Lesson, Season 4

Balance. Work-life balance. Work-marriage balance. Account balances. Jeebus. No wonder we’re so bloody exhausted all the time.

Between trying to be everything at once and trying to find our inner Zen master, we’re consistently inundated with, “Slow down, baby. But hey, not too slow now. Don’t forget about your career. And a family. And… and…”

Balance is safe, comforting, and predictable.

“Of course I’ll eat a bowl of cottage cheese instead of that decadent creme-filled crepe. Why? Oh, because I ate a piece of chocolate cake last week.”

Balance is conformity.

“I hate parties but I’ll go anyway just so I can seem social.”

Balance is anti-passion.

Feel into… the passion in your cells – to eat life whole, to innovate, to score, to, as Emerson put it, “leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition.” – Danielle LaPorte

Balance is bullshit.

If you’re burnt out from being over-passioned, over-worked, and under-played (like I’ve been), don’t seek balance. Balance isn’t going to solve your problems. They sure as hell didn’t solve mine.

When I feel like I’m about to collapse, I collapse. I’ll spend all day in bed to recharge my batteries with a retrospective on Vivienne Westwood. I’ll take on as many clients as I possibly can and spend days immersed in code and creativity. I “work” on non-work days, just because I want to. I have problems working on Thursdays because we never learned how to get along.

I dive in wholeheartedly and without reserve.

It’s scary to plunge, let alone stay there for an extended period of time. It’s scarier to back off and not immerse yourself in what moves you.

Balance is for wimps.

Or rather, balance is for people that already have what they need: their souls are nourished and full. Maybe they’ve got babies. Maybe they don’t. Either way, they’re looking for something else to move them. Balance — finding that thing or set of things — to keep their lives in this heady state of nourishment is something you look for well-after you’ve found full.

Being a twentysomething (or thirtysomething, for that matter) is about balance in imbalance. It’s a time for head-strong go-getter career-building. It’s a time for whirlwind romances that leave you battered, bruised, and utterly smashed. For some (for me), it’s a time for babies and careers and marriage and life-building and “holy shit, did I just blink and miss the last six months?”.

Balance is for later.

Find strength in the things that move you to work for days on end. Find comfort in the uncomfortable nature of burnt-out. Rise from the ashes, you fiery phoenix, and seek to conquer a second time. Fail on, you crazy diamond. Shine bright. Don’t apologize for being slightly manic, slightly depressed, and entirely possessed.

Leave balance to the nourished.

Let’s embrace our unbalanced selves/lives for what they are: unpolished, unpretentious, and untapped.

[Note from Coach Molly: I'm interested to see what ya'll have to say about this one!  I would have to say that almost every single one of the women I've worked with yearns for balance. But what does that really mean? I'm into balance as well, but just not in the traditional sense of a certain amount of hours for work, a certain amount for chores, and then the little bit of time left for play...

I like to think about it as a balance between actions that produce desired feelings.  So if I want to feel abundant, committed, influential, and sexy (which I SO do!)- I make sure I'm giving energy to actions that make me feel those ways!  And then I also have to pay attention to cutting down the shit that makes me feel the opposite (as in fearful about money, overwhelmed, swallowed up, and blah).  Yes, sometimes this means I'm burning out and then recovering, like Amanda, but it's my own version of balance...

So what do you think?   Is balance a goal worth striving towards now?  Or would you rather save it for later? ]

Image by Sequoya.

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Comments (29)

29 Responses to “All The World’s a Balance Beam”

  • Julie Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 9:50 am

    I once wrote a similar post on my blog – quoting Danielle Laporte too.
    It's an interesting subject – especially because I still say that I crave balance.
    So I guess it's all about how we define balance.

    Since I started my own business, I can tell you that passion really is more fulfilling than a slow-paced, well dosed and ordinary life – at least for me. And passion as an antidote to stress? True again. I am feeling more alive and happy than ever now that I live fully and am busy with huge life projects (business, wedding, new house).

    But I also feel more tired and a little overwhelmed at times. I don't have as much time for exercise and cooking and doing little things that I love to do. So to me, balance kinda means making room for everything that I like – and as Molly said – for actions that will make me feel every feeling I want to feel. I love nature, peace and sipping a coffee in my pajama as much as I love passion, rushes and deadlines. I love to walk just as much as I love to pump up the cardio. I need time alone AND with the people I love. I want to DO things and also just BE. I want to feel active and healthy physically and I want to feel intellectually challenged. Balance actually means MORE of everything, not LESS of everything. But sometimes it means saying no to going out because I feel like I need alone time.

    What I don't like about balance, is to force everything to ALWAYS be equal.
    To me, balance is more about finding a way to be able to listen to my inner voice. Go out in nature when I need a break, take a vacation after a crazy deadline, etc. Listening to my inner needs is my way of finding balance and making sure I get to live and experience all that I want to. Sometimes it's on a daily basis (taking the night off from intellectual work by meeting friends over a coffee) and sometimes it's not possible and I work like crazy for a few weeks before crashing down on the couch with television series. But I agree with you, Amanda, balance is not about creating strict rules and forcing ourselves to stick to them in the name of it. Thanks for forcing that reflexion (again)!

  • Diana Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    I don't think it's about balance – it's about management. How do we manage work and home? How do we manage marriage and work? And how do we do all of this to ensure we are getting enough of what we want? It's up to YOU to figure out how much work you want to do or need to do, how much family time you want or need, etc. And it's up to YOU to make a schedule surrounding that. It doesn't have to be the same every day. You just have to be happy with it.

  • Caz Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    See, I like Molly's comment at the end because as I was reading this I was all "no! I crave balance". It was one of my core values in Stratejoy. But balance is different for everyone. For me it means everything in moderation including moderation. Sometimes excess one way or another is completely okay. But overall on a daily and weekly basis I feel best if I balance that pasta and chocolate cake with salad and a great run. Sure sometimes weeks of one extreme or another happen, but I like to structure my time so that I have some friend social time, some slothy-couch-boyfriend time, and some productive home/volunteer/other time. One or the other doesn't work for me, neither makes me as happy as a little bit of both.

    balance is different for everyone though and if it works better for you to think in month-long chunks, great. For me it needs to happen daily/weekly.

  • Kate Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    I've always had trouble balancing it all – career, friends, relationships, social life. Then I decided to create a nonprofit organization and my balancing issues only escalated. I spent more time running a business than I did finding my life's passions, spending time with friends, etc.

    Truth is, I don't know if it's possible for ANYONE to balance it all equally. I thought I was doing a good job at it, but then everything seemed to hit the wall at the same time and my QLC sucker punched me when I least expected it. And I don't even have kids. I mean, add them into the mix (or a marriage) and the idea of balancing everything evenly seems nearly impossible.

    But I agree that the definition of balance is different for everyone and some people thrive on balance while others prefer not to.

  • deebuzzing Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    OOOH! I love so many sentiments in the post AND in the comments.

    Last week, Molly and I were chatting about balance and somewhere in the conversation I subconsciously admitted that when I think about balance I equate it to some sense of perfection. She was like, "WHOA MAMA! Do you know the definition of perfect? 'Cause that sure isn't the balance I'm thinking of!" (Or something equally sassy and eye-opening.) The point is that, aside from me being WRONG about balance and perfection going hand in hand, I don't think I'm the only one who imagines my "perfect life" and envisions that what I'll feel in that life is balance…we've got to redefine on our own terms…and not let "perfect" hold us back from sorting out what feelings we want and how they're going to dictate our time.

    I connect to what you said, Amanda, that balance is for later… I envision myself and my quarter life crisis as some sort of imaginary ladder that I'm climbing. I don't know that I'll ever get to the top, necessarily, but I'm working towards the goal at the top and it takes movement and progress to get there. I've already started climbing so I can either keep going or stand in the middle of a ladder where nothing is really going on. When I feel like I've climbed as high as I can, will I be "full?"- dunno. Maybe I'll want something else and start climbing a different ladder- but either way, when you're climbing a ladder you have to have a sense of balance if you don't want to fall right off. Right? I'm interested in balance in my life right now- sure- but mostly, it's on the backburner- if in the midst of passion, and discovery, and spirituality, and connection, and laughter, I find that balance, GREAT (and I think I will), but if not, so what, I'll have passion, discovery, and spirituality, and connection, and laughter.

    I TOTALLY agree with Julie's idea that balance is so vastly different for every one of us- we've all got an inner voice and we must listen to it. Sometimes, we need a couch day, yeah? Sometimes, we need to plow right through- at least that's how it works for me- and what is so frrrrrreaking awesome is finding out what works for others and that, most of all, we're sorting out methods that bring us what we need individually by listening to ourselves.

    THANKS FOR THE INSIGHT AND INVITATION TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I NEED.

  • Cait Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    Considering the name of my blog is 'Finding My Balance,' this post struck a chord with me.

    I guess I associate balance to the actual physical aspect of the word. It's something you strive for but don't always achieve, something you get stronger at the more you work for it. Balance is where you feel completely good and confident. To me, it isn't a tit-for-tat thing, like eating a salad today only because you ate cake yesterday. It's just finding the right combination of things to make the scales all even out (which may mean three days of eating cake for every one day of eating a salad, or vice versa).

    I imagine myself trying to balance on my toes. Sometimes I wobble. Sometimes I get distracted and really wobble, or actually have to come down off my toes. Sometimes I have to stick my arms out, or up, or grab onto something or someone nearby. And yet the longer I do it, the more my muscles will strengthen and help keep me there longer. This is how I see balance in my life. There's going to be wobbling and reaching out for help, but striving for balance is striving for that point of happiness, confidence, and joy. The more you do it, the stronger you'll be at it.

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Oh, I love this. Thanks for your insight, Julie. It's juicy. I'ma sit back and contemplate this view further. <3

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Totally about time management. If we don't MAKE time for the things that matter to us, then we're going to get stuck in this perpetual cycle of "I hate everything, why don't I have time for the things I love?"

    Dig this.

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    I love this, too. Aligning yourself with your own values isn't balancing: it's thriving 'cause you are SHINING. At least, that's what I think. So, you keep shining, lady. :]

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    THIS. This is exactly what I was going for. Loved this, Dee. You rule.

  • Nadine Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    The line I responded to the most in this post was that being twenty or thirty-something is about finding balance in the imbalance. I don't necessarily think that the strive to achieve balance is for people whose souls are already full, but like others have said, 'balance' means something different to every person. I find that sometimes I need more balance in different areas of my life IN ORDER TO feel fulfilled in the things that drive me. Does this make sense? I'm still trying to make sense of it myself. For instance, writing drives me, but this is a very solitary pursuit. If I hole myself up too much I tend to sink down and get blue. Usually I only realize it's because I haven't been out and about enough until I'm already deep in it… and needless to say, when I'm feeling like this, I'm not writing anything worth reading. In any case, I definitely see myself trying to find balance in the imbalance of my life. Great post, and great comments!!

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Exactly! What drives me is writing and design but, as you said, they're pretty damn solitary. I need people, too. People feed my soul, baby. So hell yeah, I gotta get outta the house and y'know, say hello to people every once in a while too.

    Balance in imbalance ftw. :]

  • Ellen Berg Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    I wonder if the cry for balance is really a cry for autonomy and living purposefully. The older we get, the more we tend to get pulled in to deal with others' interests first, especially as women. We're dealing with the kids' needs/wants/desires, the hubby, the image of what it means to be a woman (sexy, skinny, mother, lover, daughter, wife, career, perfectness) and too often our own needs are put last.

    My best friend is walking this journey right now. She found herself feeling guilty if she sat down to read or go out to lunch with a friend during the day because her "job" right now is homemaker. So she'd work all day long, pick the kids up from school, run them around to practices, games, and performances, come home and make dinner, tend to her husband, and finally just collapse. There was no "her" time in there.

    Come to think of it, I can't remember ever hearing a man ask for balance in his life. I'm sure there are a few, and men definitely have different, equal challenges that come with their roles, but I don't think balance is one of them.

    Thanks for the post; it's made me think more deeply about being deliberate and carving out space for me in my life.

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    OMG ELLEN. I need to ask my husband what he thinks about balance. I wonder if dudes think about balance in the same way. Okay, I'ma go and do that and get him to chime in on the discussion.

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    This is fantastic. Seriously. First, thank you for coming and sharing your thoughts. I never thought of balance as a "this is where I feel good, baby" sort of thing. I've thought of it as this elusive "you do this now but you're ultimately going to fail… just sayin'…"

    This is an awesome perspective.

  • Sarah Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    I work with research higher degree students, and one thing that I have learned is that balance will never happen for me. There will be an ebb and flow of high-risk issues and anxiety-ridden students, and there is no way for me to balance that out. It will happen. It always happens!! In between that, I care for an elderly relative who is very set in routine – there are days that is a comfort for me, and other days when it drives me batty!

    For me, balance is about accepting the lack of control I have over those aspects of my life. Allowing myself to feel the fear, to embrace the confidence, or to cuddle the uncertainty. I don't NEED to feel good all of the time – if anything, sometimes allowing yourself to feel bad propels you towards actions for the good. But I NEED to feel confident that I can tackle what happens next. Because I will have the perfect plan when I expect to come home and cook and awesome meal, and five PhD turn up at my desk and that plan will be trashed. :P

  • megangallagher Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Great discussion, guys! I'm gonna add in my two cents…it took me most of my 20s to figure this out, but my then-desire for balance was really just a balm for the feelings of discontent I was feeling that I just couldn't quite put my finger on. The search for balance was really a search for peace/fulfillment within myself.
    Nowadays, I can totally relate to your "balance in imbalance," Amanda…I re-tooled my life and stopped giving energy and wasted time to things that just weren't working. I throw a shit-ton of energy in to my writing, blog, new biz, and my health–once all the pieces to my life-puzzle were fitting together better, that where I sort of found my "balance." (Or I'm at least working towards it…:)) So I'm going to have to agree with Molly describing balance in terms of actions–>produced feelings. Do you ever get that end-of-the-day euphoria when you are blissfully tired? Not in a miserable-bitchy-aggravated sort of way, but in that I-just-fired-on-all-8-cylinders-today-and -accomplished-something-spectacular way? That feeling, to me, is my ideal sense of balance.

    This is an awesome discussion, guys! Can't wait for the male perspective…

  • Kelly Diels Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    They do talk about it. My dude talks about it all the time. He's working two jobs, launching a business/empire with moi, romancing moi…and gets frustrated with himself if his house isn't tidy or he isn't exercising and practising spirituality every day.

    But here's the thing: there are only so many hours in a day, and when we are empire/career/child-raising, some of the plates in the air get dropped. That's just how it is. There's no point in abusing yourself for failing to find "balance". This time in our lives – twenties and thirties – is when we're laying the foundation for the rest of our lives. It is all-consuming. That's the nature of it – and the fact that we're doing it solo or as part of a nuclear family means that we're doing it mostly alone.

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Balance is so incredibly loaded. Ironic how it's implied to be a comfortable thing, yet there is so much squeezed into the idea of balance. I personally balance a lot of things. Paid work / Volunteer Work. Friends / Family. Work / Play. But the funny part is, as Molly touched on, it's all about the feeling that you're desiring out of this "balance". Sometimes, I want to feel loved, appreciated, and fulfilled. I might be able to find that at work, or volunteering; around family or friends, or working or playing. Or, a big fat combination platter of all of them.

    Even the most perfect gymnast with all of her poise and precision, when she's on the balance beam, each and every one I've ever seen does a little bit of swaying. They almost fall, and sometimes they do. Then they get back up and pick up where they left off. I've seen some gymnasts wobble their way through the routine, stay on the beam, and score higher that those who appear to be right on target and fault free.

    This is not at all meant to knock the idea of balance, so much as my view on a perfect balance, and how I'm not quite sure it exists. A little bit of balance is always great, but teetering from side to side, interest to interest, priority to priority is okay.

    At least to me.

    Loving the conversation here!

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Kelly, I love you. But then, you knew that.

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    Two words: HELL. YES.

  • mininggarnet Says:
    March 9th, 2011 at 8:15 am

    This is so brilliant because it is taking this coveted idea of balance and challenging it, particularly as it applies to the Quarter Life Crisis. I am loving everyone’s comments and especially agree with the sentiment that instead of balance, it is about management and everyone manages things differently. I also agree that some weeks I am a powerhouse and then I hit a bump and need to rearrange and adjust my priorities. Take a breather, but then keep going. That might not work for others, but right now it does for me. Maybe running around like a headless chicken is what makes me thrive. Maybe that’s how I achieve balance. I don’t really know yet. What I do know is that I work best when I have a busy schedule, I am the most productive both personally and professionally and with that in mind, then maybe the balance of equal work and down time isn’t for me. What I do know, deep down, is that my best life involves one hell of a penciled in day planner.

    “Don’t apologize for being slightly manic, slightly depressed, and entirely possessed”

    YES.

  • Mike Says:
    March 9th, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Maybe some dudes care about balance, but I think most of us are pretty happy to let the scales tip drastically toward whatever we are correctly obsessed with. Male nerds especially are prone to this…

    I like to retain enough balance that nothing is falling over completely, but I'm quite happy to toe that line when I get captivated by something intensely interesting.

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 10th, 2011 at 9:31 am

    Thanks husband. <3

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    March 10th, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    I don't know, for me balance isn't about striving for some unachievable perfection where everything gets done and tucked away into neat little boxes. For me, finding balance is somehow about finding inner strength and peace. Its about knowing what I want from life and having the guts to go after it. Its about loving with my whole heart and never having to apologize for it. Its about carving out a simple life that allows me to leave the world a little better at the end of the day. It's about embracing passion and running after those dreams full force.

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    March 10th, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    Having that inner balance allows me to deal with life's curveballs. With the hard stuff, the unexpected stuff. It's about knowing when I need a day to crash or cry my eyes out before picking myself up and taking charge again. It's about giving myself as much love as I give everyone else. Honestly, that's the hardest part for myself. I put out so much love, its time to reserve some for myself. Maybe my balance isn't really balance at all, and that's just the label I have attached.

    Also this " I “work” on non-work days, just because I want to. I have problems working on Thursdays because we never learned how to get along." ….is so me! It's Thursday right now and all day my brain has been in distracted mode. I am learning to listen to my brain on these days and relax, because its ok.

  • Lindsey Says:
    March 10th, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    Hell yes to everyones comments on this! I love the responses =]

    I am a total planner junkie – I definitely agree that "my best life involves one hell of a penciled in day planner!" But sometimes, after months of endless running around I get that burnout and I give myself recovery / un-planned time to live out dreamy goals. Focus on my health, take a trip, learn a new instrument… because I feel like these things are just as important as my career. I guess for me, balance, is a few months of crazy work (usually with an unfortunate backslide in spirituality or health), and then a few months of self-care and dreamseeking. And I know when I crave that full planner, it's time to be planning, and when I need adventure, I should go & get it.

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 12th, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    There's just something about Thursdays that make it difficult to pay attention. I blame The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, personally. ;)

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 12th, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    This is what my life feels like: utter madness, burnout, bed-rest, rinse, and repeat.

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