Hello Love, Goodbye QLC?

posted 17th March 2011    Written by: Bri    CATEGORY: Bri, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis

Soon after I started dating Mr. A, my Grams asked me how a new love interest was going to affect my writing for Stratejoy.  I was supposed to be in crisis and not in love, right?!  What was I going to write about if I was so happy all the time?

I think there is a misconception out there that a relationship will somehow cure a quarterlife crisis.  I have friends who have said that they felt like everything would fall into place as soon as they met the right person. Nope. Not going to happen.  A relationship does not cure a quarterlife crisis.

I started out writing for Stratejoy hoping to build a life full of radical love, fearless passion, and adamant boldness.  I had two main goals for the six months I get to share my life here: 1. Find new ways to boldly love others, myself, and my life and 2. Ask for what I want without fear of rejection.

Loving boldly. Falling in love was the easy part.  Figuring out how to do this right?  That’s the hard part and the potential-for-big-things-reality of this relationship is bringing up some of my insecurities and fears.  I, for starters, avoid conflict like the plague.  I avoid conflict at work, in friendships, and, definitely, in relationships.  Avoiding conflict is not bold and being in a relationship definitely did not automatically fix this character flaw.

Loving myself boldly and with kindness has not been magically solved by finally meeting someone as wonderful as Mr. A.  In some ways he has helped me love myself more, without a doubt.  He sees me in a new way and has made me love things I never even noticed about myself before.  Being in a relationship where I feel super secure and cherished has drastically reduced my anxiety levels.  But, I still battle the same internal voices that are hyper-critical and less-than-loving.   There’s the part of me that squirms when he touches my stomach, because it’s not as flat as I wish it was.  There’s the part of me that still battles the feeling that when I am being emotional I am being needy and a burden.   There are no quick fixes–just patient and intentional love for myself.


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Comments (13)

13 Responses to “Hello Love, Goodbye QLC?”

  • Becca Says:
    March 17th, 2011 at 9:06 am

    Love this, Bri. As someone who has been happily relationshipped for more than five years, I see that there's much more to me than who I choose to share me with. It's about having my own identity and bringing the best me that I can into my relationship. And now, with marriage on the horizon, I can NOT ignore the QLC. I have this amazing person in my life. I want my life to be 100 percent me so that I can share it with him and enjoy it all the freaking way.

  • amysjoy Says:
    March 17th, 2011 at 9:09 am

    Yes! Being in a relationship is awesome, but it doesn't change the issues I had before being in one, and it's been a struggle to learn how to communicate openly, to find the words to calmly explain when something's bothering me or to be open about my own insecurities in school and work and finances. My man is awesome support, and I'm so glad to have him there for me, but he's not the final solution.

  • Kristen Says:
    March 17th, 2011 at 9:34 am

    I definitely can relate– I'm in the throws of the QLC and having my man to talk with who lets me freak out every now and again has been incredibly freeing– especially when he knows what cookies to get at the store to make me smile :) I will also say it has been difficult at times to feel like I can really embark on a journey of self discovery with a husband- I am now accountable for another person and can't just go AWOL for three days. That part is something I still work through, but knowing that he understands that I might need alone time to work through my brain junk is really comforting– and knowing that he will be there regardless is the most unbelievable feeling of all. :)

  • mininggarnet Says:
    March 17th, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Nailed it. Being in love and being loved back is amazing, downright incredible, but it's not a fixall. Your wants, ambitions, fears, insecurities need to be ultimately tackled by YOU. A relationship isn't about perfecting one another, it's about supporting and cheering each other on.

    So glad you wrote about this topic : )

  • Kaci Johanna Says:
    March 17th, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    So true. A relationship WON'T cure a quarterlife crisis, or any crisis for that matter.

    Actually, I've found a quarterlife crisis can wreak havoc on a relationship. CAN. Not WILL. If you do the exactly opposite I did, and recognize the QLC, then you're probably safe. :)

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    March 17th, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Thank you Becca! Having your own identity and not looking for someone to complete you is key, I think.

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    March 17th, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Exactly, someone to help you figure things out I'm sure, but also not the only person you have. I have friends and family I lean on a lot with the big questions, now I also get to get his input.

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    March 17th, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    Such a good point! Being married would make it even more challenging to go through a QLC, so much can change by the time you're through it, right?

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    March 17th, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Thanks! You said it perfectly, all the "me" stuff needs to be ultimately tackled BY me.

  • Juliana Says:
    March 18th, 2011 at 9:07 am

    This is why I am SO glad to have picked a great partner for myself. Being newleywed AND going through the QLC stuff is a whole heap of wacky… but he's great through all of it. Actually, I think I'd be worse off if I weren't with him and going through some of this.

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    March 18th, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    It's funny that love puts on those rose colored glasses. My QLC began when I was around 21, but then I jumped heart first into a relationship. He made me feel pretty, he made me feel complete, he made me feel like I knew what I wanted. But then, thankfully, we broke up. There was no me without him. I don't mean that romantically, I mean it pathetically. I've been on this QLC journey alone for about 2 1/2 years now and it's been the hardest, scariest, most painful, amazing, joyful experience ever. And I needed to do it on my own.

    I think that now, when a relationship presents itself, I'll be in a better place. As are you; still working on YOU, loving YOU, but sharing some time with a very lucky guy, might I say.

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    March 19th, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Love definietly makes the world look a big shiner and everything feel a bit happier, but it is by no means a quick, fix elixir. For me, falling in love actually brought a lot of the QLC things I thought had dealt with into a new focus. She made me happier, so I wanted to BE happier. I found that person that would always love me, just because I'm me, and that was a driving force for me wanting to be the best possible me. That's the kind of love I wish for you. The kind that makes days look brighter, but pushes to do your own part to make the world a bit sparlkier and to be the best-darn-possible Bri.

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 20th, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    EXACTLY. I'd add more but Katie nailed it.

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