I Admit, Money Makes Me Crazy

posted 16th March 2011    Written by: Laura    CATEGORY: Laura, Love/Relationships, Money, Season 4

So, here’s the thing. I haven’t been completely honest with all of you. Although I’ve been pretty real about where I am in my life right now, I haven’t fully acknowledged my crazies.

The crazies that have to do with money. Specifically, with spending too much of it, feeling like I need more of it, and being forced to spend it in ways I’d rather not. I don’t even know where to start, or how to admit my deep down demons in an eloquent way. So I’m just gonna write, and see what comes out.

My issue with money goes pretty far back. My parents split up when I was in junior high. One of the spin-off benefits was that my already close relationships with them got even closer. My Mom and I were like roommates and there wasn’t much parent-child censorship going on, which most of the time was pretty convenient. But other times, it meant that my Mom’s worries became my worries. Or at least, they became stressors I was acutely aware of.

Even though I worked steadily since I was 16 and my Mom’s burden of paying for our day-to-day was a heavy one, I got to spend my money on whatever I wanted. In our little non-nuclear family, my Mom worried about how to pay the bills, I spent my money on school books, booze and clothes, and my Dad paid for my education and took me out often for dinner, movies and other treats. I felt my Mom’s anxiety, benefitted from my Dad’s lean lifestyle (it’s not that he was rolling in it; it’s that his splurges were minimal), and enjoyed the rush of spending discretionary funds.

As my university degree was coming to a close, my Mom was getting ready to move in with her boyfriend. So within six weeks of my final university exam, I was living with my boyfriend, paying bills, insuring my first car, and receiving my first salary. Hunny and I worked out a bit of an expenses-sharing model that would do for the time being.

We didn’t talk about it nearly enough at the time and five years later, we still don’t. Five years later, our salaries have increased – a lot – but so have our spending habits. Our financial discussions and collaborations have not increased with them.

Our savings? Nil. Our mortgage readiness? Non existent. Our credit card debt? Growing. Or at best, cyclical; paid down, back up. Expenses we didn’t budget for? Constant. Because I don’t budget for wiggle room. At all. Hence the growing credit card debt.

But I hate debt. It makes my chest tighten, my pulse quicken, my blood pressure rise. It makes me feel 24/7 pressure to make more, or spend less. Yet, the reality of doing either to any significant extent is pretty, well, unrealistic.

To make matters worse? When I feel like I’m making progress with the crazies – you know, through peaceful thoughts, acceptance, that kind of stuff – I feel like everything other people say or do aggravate them.

Hunny talks about wanting to buy something or tells me gas went up again; my chest tightens.

My Mom stresses about not being able to afford something for herself; my mood darkens.

My Dad wants to treat me to dinner and even though I make more than enough (and more than him), I let him; because I didn’t really account for eating dinner out this week.

I check the balance of our bank account (the one Hunny and I both contribute to, but that doesn’t hold all of our money) and I hold my breath. Did he buy something I don’t know about? Did those three trips to the grocery store add up to more than they should have?

My girlfriends plan a night out for drinks and snacks, and I dread having to pay for it. Because I love the control of not spending money; although, I also like the ease I trick myself into feeling when I do spent it.

My new business partners and I crunch numbers and play around with budget projections, and fury slowly boils in my gut. I believe money can smell fear. If you worry you don’t have it, you won’t. If you wish you had more of it, you’ll have less. If you talk about it too much, the power you’re giving it will manifest in a tangible way.

I’m terrified of obsessing about it; so then I obsess about not obsessing. See? Told you. Crazies.

Don’t get me wrong – we’re fine. We have a new car, nice apartment, I buy as many vegetables as I want, I have life insurance, we contribute to RRSPs / 401Ks, and I have plenty of client projects on the books. Our little family has more than enough. My business makes more than enough. I believe both of these things to be truths, not temporary.

But in my relationship, my Hunny and I are not on the same financial page nearly enough. In my business, I have a lot of honesty to share if I want my business partners to get where I’m coming from. And in my head, I’ve got a whole lot of crazies related to one thing that is never going to go away. As certain as death and taxes is that I’ll always live in a civilization that is based on money.

Love it, fear it, loathe it; it ain’t going anywhere. Which means this girl right here? She’s got a lot of work to do. Ugh.

{Photo credit}

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Comments (17)

17 Responses to “I Admit, Money Makes Me Crazy”

  • Beckles Says:
    March 16th, 2011 at 11:34 am

    I used to do the same thing. It came to the point where I was forced to move, but had a major anxiety attack because I wouldn't be able to afford an apartment and all that goes with it. I made an excel spreadsheet that has all of my debts, due dates, minimums, and my budget (I'm not going to lie, it's not very strict). Plus I use mint.com to keep myself in check. It really is satisfying whenever I pay something off. And once I see that $0, it's easier to keep it that way.

  • amysjoy Says:
    March 16th, 2011 at 11:39 am

    I totally feel you! Money stresses me out almost every time I think about it or pay bills or check my bank account. I made some poor credit card decisions while I was an undergrad, and I'm paying for that now, and when I got close to paying that debt off, Life happened, and the debt went right back up. Plus I've got school loans to pay now too, and it's a little overwhelming, especially because my financial future isn't looking any better, at least for the next year and a half while I work on my Masters.

    It's a struggle to be open about my finances because I'm kind of just embarrassed about them; why can't I just have all my shit together already, you know?

  • Val Baumann Says:
    March 16th, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Hi Laura. My name is Val Baumann and I am a Financial Educator. A "twenty something" friend/client of mine forwarded your blog to me and asked me to read it and post a comment.

    You are right…negative emotions about money feed on themselves and become a heavy drag on the rest of your life. The great irony of money is that the smarter you are with it the less that you will have to think about it and the less negative power it will have over you.

    In reading your blog, it seems like you just need a better money plan . I would love to help you with that….as I have for others. I'd be happy to work with you at no charge if you would write about the experience in your blog.
    You can contact me at 781-361-5589. My web site is http://www.valbaumann.com and you can check me out on Twitter and Facebook (under my name). Coincidently, my new blog posting is about money fear. (Should be published later this week).

    Thanks for so beautifully writing about a problem that so many people have. I hope I can help you lessen the craziness! Give me a call. Best of luck to you, Val

  • Trudy Says:
    March 16th, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Thanks for opening up about this. It's really difficult to face the facts when you spend too much, or have spent too much in the past. I feel like I should be ready to purchase a house – I mean I'm nearly 30 and have been working since I was 16. But the fact remains that if I don't make myself aware of where I stand financially, and start looking ahead, I'm just going to keep repeating the same money mistakes.

  • amandafarough Says:
    March 16th, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Up until really, really recently, this was me and Mike. We didn't talk about money — it's still a sore topic — and as our debt grew, so did the communication chasm. When I got pregnant, we had to do a complete 180. Not only was our debt rather exorbitant, our savings were non-existent, and one of us was barely functioning as a human being, let alone as a money-making machine.

    What I've found worked for me (and for Mike) is to be honest about where we're at. Being transparent about my fears about money (and mamahood) has really helped us out. We sit down and chat openly about our spending habits, slice where/when we need to slice, and enjoy the fruits of our labour when we can. Not owning a car or an apartment (we rent) is a huge relief, considering the size of our combined debt (student loans and the like).

    Anyhoo, I loved this. <3

  • Kahea Says:
    March 16th, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    While my debt is still insanely significant from years of avoiding the fact that I spent what I didn't have and didn't actually understand the things a credit card and debt could do to a person, lately I've found that having a budget has been an absolute sanity saver. I no longer worry about my bills or rent, and I have a plan for paying down my debt. I've even been able to begin leaving myself spending money each month without feeling guilty about it — mostly because the times I didn't have that wiggle room were the times when the budget went to crap.

    I'm not going to say it's easy, because getting out of debt is never as easy or fun as getting into it. But it is nice knowing that what was once probably a pretty abusive relationship between myself and money is slowly beginning to get better. And you have to start somewhere, so I think talking about it is a good first step!

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    March 16th, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    I worry about it too much too. Then, I stress when I make a plan to be less stressed. So, I'm on that crazy train right along with you. At this point, I have decided there are some big purchases in my near future, plus things like retirement in my further future, so planning has become essential. Just in the past few weeks I have created a realistic budget and ledger sheets to get a real picture of spending. Then, I'll make the necessary cuts.

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    March 18th, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    In therapy, they drill the idea of things being "temporary", as in bad situations, jobs that you hate, negative feelings, etc. I think I've gotten SO in touch with that aspect that I fear that every single job I have is going to just suddenly end, and I freak out."How am I going to pay rent?! OMG, what am I going to do?!" But it's all in my head.

    What's helped me dramatically is just understanding and putting trust that whatever happens will happen, and if one money making door closes, one more will open. Or two more will open.

    Thanks for your awesome honesty here, lady!

  • Big L Says:
    March 21st, 2011 at 7:35 am

    Hi there, thanks for your comment. It's helpful to know who else can relate! A friend has mentioned mint.com to me before, too, I think it's time I checked it out!

  • Big L Says:
    March 21st, 2011 at 7:37 am

    It is totally a difficult thing to talk about. For some reason, we do feel embarrassed or alone in our thoughts, even though we totally aren't! Plus, I beat myself up about complaining about it since I know I'm SO fortunate and well off compared to so many others. Having the opportunity to get educated and enjoy life's comforts is a blessing, but it's hard to keep that in perspective, for sure.

  • Big L Says:
    March 21st, 2011 at 7:40 am

    Hi Val, thanks for your comment. I'll check out your website, for sure. I have a financial advisor who helps me work towards putting my money in the "right" places, but I find that adds a lot of pressure. It's definitely an issue with my internal dialogue more than it is an actual problem….we all have self talk of some sort that doesn't benefit us and mine often comes up in this way! Thanks again!

  • Big L Says:
    March 21st, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Yep, I totally hear you on the house buying thing. But then, at the same time, who says we SHOULD buy a house by now if we enjoy spending our money in other places? Like travelling, for example. It's a tough call, for sure! I'm happy to have gotten the discussion here started…money is definitely a tough subject for many of us.

  • Big L Says:
    March 21st, 2011 at 7:42 am

    Oh, I'm so glad we're not the only committed couple who avoids money talk more than we should. Phew! I hope that soon, I can tell you about us doing a 180, too. xo

  • Big L Says:
    March 21st, 2011 at 7:43 am

    I totally agree that starting somewhere is, well, a good start! :) I hope we can continue to take baby steps and gradually relieve the constant feeling of avoidance and gloom that money hangs over my head.

  • Big L Says:
    March 21st, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Ha, yes! Stressing about a plan for being less stressed! Exactly! :) I think I need to do the same thing…I see many a spreadsheets in my near future :)

  • Big L Says:
    March 21st, 2011 at 7:45 am

    Agreed. When one door closes, another will inevitably open. TRUST. That's the name of the game :)

  • Mama V Says:
    March 23rd, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    The thing to remember about money is that no matter how little you have, you survive. And no matter how much you have, you manage to spend it.
    Life is unpredictable and so are your finances. But life is amazing. It's amazing whether you are broke or wealthy.
    When my ex turned 40, we were both unemployed. I collected 40 pennies, one from each year of his life. And I framed them…it is, to this day, one of the best presents I have ever given. It took thought, creativity, love and determination (let me tell you, it was NOT easy to find those pennies). But it cost just 40 cents.
    Some of my best memories are of things that didn't cost anything. So stop worrying. The money will come and it will go. But in the end, love is what matters… talk to your Hunny, talk to your family and friends, share your fears and then let them go!

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