Remembering Who I Was

posted 27th March 2011    Written by: Juliana    CATEGORY: All Posts, Creativity, Inspiration, Juliana, Life Lesson, Season 4

The more I work on getting back in touch with the things I really love, the things that nourish my spirit and energize me, the more I realize that I used to be exactly who I want to be when I grow up.

When I was a kid, I made up songs and stories about everything from my stuffed animals to the daffodils along the sidewalk.  I set up forts in my closet and jumped from bed to chair to door to avoid the “lava” on the carpet. I did impressions and funny voices to entertain pets & family.

When I got sent to my room, I didn’t mind so much because that’s where the books were.
I laughed a lot. And I always had new ideas.

Now that I’m (supposedly) a grownup, the things I am trying to cultivate more of are writing, performing, imagination, and laughter. Coincidence?  Or was it much easier to be “myself” when I wasn’t as aware of other people?

As a child, I was floating around in my own little bubble a lot of the time. I have an older brother, but he’s about seven years older, which means we were both “only” children in a way. I spent a lot of time reading & writing, and even though I had plenty of friends, I often preferred alone time to playing in groups. Basically, I could be how I was without much influence from peer pressure.

The older I got, the more I was affected by societal expectations.  Though I was never really one of the girls, I did notice what girls were expected to be interested in, and expected to look and act like – and I noticed where I didn’t match up.  I gradually learned to confine certain hobbies & interests to their proper times and places (save the Robin Leach-style narration for Drama class, for example) instead of letting it all hang out whenever something occurred to me. Strange looks from peers and adults quickly convinced me that certain ideas, observations, and outbursts were not considered “normal”.  (I learned to pass for a regular person by keeping pretty quiet around people I wasn’t close to.)  Eventually, I learned to accept “weird” as a compliment, but still felt some shame about not being more like everyone else.

As an adult, I was supposed to have a normal, 9-5 job.  I was supposed to treat my creativity as a hobby that I might occasionally have time for.  I was supposed to be content with working at something I didn’t enjoy in order to do what I want when (if) I was able to retire.  I was supposed to want to watch three hours of “must see TV” every evening so I’d have something to talk about at the water cooler.

Well, doing all of that stuff didn’t make me happy.  And it certainly didn’t make me feel like Myself. I felt like a distorted image.  I looked and acted in a way that was mostly in line with my values…but just a little fuzzy, with the details blurred.

Part of my goal of radical self-love has been to spend more time alone to re-familiarize myself with my own mind. I have been writing in my journals a lot more, and writing for this blog has helped a bunch.  I’ve spent lots of time consciously avoiding too much input – TV, radio, social media – and instead spent some time in silence, listening to the thoughts that drift through unprompted.  I’ve found myself making up songs around the house, narrating the thoughts of my pets aloud, and reading books I’ve meant to read for a long time.   When I see my friends, I’m smiling a lot more and feeling less concerned with how I come across.  I’m sharing my authentic thoughts more easily.  I’m getting lots of great ideas about my new business.

In short, I’m becoming the person I used to be… and I like that kid a  whole bunch.

[photo credit: my dad]

(( Hey, did you know that Molly is doing a Scholarship Program right now??  If you’re going through your own Quarterlife Crisis you should definitely apply.  She’s a fun, compassionate and enthusiastic coach – an awesome person to have in your corner when you’re stuck. Go apply for the Scholarship coaching package right now!))

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Comments (9)

9 Responses to “Remembering Who I Was”

  • Angela C. Says:
    March 27th, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Being childlike is so refreshing. The competing needs and desires of the outside world so often cloud our vision of who we are as we get older. Getting back to your roots and tuning out some of the outside influences is so important in order to reacquaint ourselves with… ourselves again. Good for you for taking that initiative!

  • EllieDi Says:
    March 28th, 2011 at 4:53 am

    I've been thinking a lot about this very thing! Nostalgia for my childhood, teens, and even my university years keeps seeping into my thought processes more and more. I miss that feeling of wild, creative abandon, of thrilling at just being and doing. I'm not in a 9-5, but I am living in a scarcity situation, which puts a huge damper on my self. Sucky. So I'm working on trying to figure out how to authentically inject some awesome back into my life, figure out some work I can be happy about, and move forward gracefully instead of constantly looking back.

  • Stephanie Says:
    March 28th, 2011 at 6:20 am

    I agree 100% with this post. I've been going through the same process of getting back in touch with myself and the child I used to be! I'm loving the creativity workshop that I'm doing which is based on Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way book. I'm also writing in my journal much more, trying to do morning pages (which is challenging for my late night self). I'm loving the painting and creative expression that I haven't done since I was a young child. I've always been the "responsible" one. Now I'm realizing that YES, I can be responsible and creative at the same time! There's time and space for both! :) I'm also trying to tune out some of that external input that you mention and spend more time with my own thoughts. My friends are slowly getting the hint about my new focus and have been really supportive about my shift in priorities.

  • Clare Louise Says:
    March 28th, 2011 at 6:46 am

    Hi Juliana. I absolutely fully relate to you here. I was always the kid who got in trouble because I stayed up for hours after bedtime reading and the kid who spent recess scribbling down stories instead of playing sports. These days reading and writing have been lower on my priority list, put off in exhaustion after work. But the truth is, I feel more exhausted when I don't give myself time for these things. As much as I love my husband, he is out of town this week, and I fully intend to spend all my extra time reading and writing and re-discovering those childhood passions. Good luck with your own rediscovering!

  • Juliana Says:
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:33 am

    Thank you, Angela! :)

  • Juliana Says:
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:34 am

    Luckily, some childlike things are TOTALLY FREE (like skipping, playing in the tub, and naps, some of my faves.)

    You're definitely in the right place to help you figure some of that stuff out. Molly definitely gave me some great insight into what the heck I needed to do next when I found her about a year ago. XO

  • Juliana Says:
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:35 am

    It's been amazing to hear about all the creative stuff you are doing lately – you're just jumping in with two feet, which is so awesome!

  • Juliana Says:
    March 29th, 2011 at 6:36 am

    "I feel more exhausted when I don't give myself time for these things." EXACTLY. Making those things a priority instead of an "extra" saved my sanity, no joke.

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    April 4th, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Isn't it funny how that works? I think when we are children we are the purest form of ourselves. Our passions, interests, loves it's all right there (and no I am not talking about a childhood crush on some highly embarassing teen idol). When I was a kid I was always creating, I was teaching, I was playing. I loved to dig in the dirt with my mom and always brought home strays. I obsessively saved my allowance and did extra chores to earn more, without complaining (mostly). Now, as an adult, I'm looking to make my living being creative in all aspects of my life. I want to teach. I want to send more time outside. I want to start a garden and treat my body to healthier living. Above all, I want financial stability and independence. I think it's time for big girl Erin to have a conversation with 6 year old Erin, that girl was so cool. Keep on shining!

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