Big Things Part 1: An Engagement

posted 7th April 2011    Written by: Bri    CATEGORY: Bri, Love/Relationships

 

I knew that first weekend that I was going to marry Mr. A. (But don’t tell him that) 36 hours after our first kiss, I was laying in bed unable to sleep because my brain was racing and dancing thinking about the guy.  He seemed to good to be true.  He spoiled me and made me feel adored; being with him was as easy as breathing.  I am proud of the person he is and aspires to be.    He is going to be a fantastic husband, and I will never worry about his commitment to me.

It came suddenly and it came on strong.  There have definitely been points when we’ve been scared, but largely it has felt freeing.  He wrote in an email once:

I think as we get more tangled up in each other we’ll somehow get even more free.  Real love is about accepting someone because you like their whole person, then you make concessions and adjustments as needed because you like them so much.  Too many folks do things in reverse.  I like your whole person, Bri, and I look forward to molding to your idiosyncrasies.

At first I thought I was not ready for it, but then again, maybe this is where every heartache and lonely night has been leading to the whole time.

From the beginning, we knew that from the outside we looked crazy; but as a participant it felt perfect, natural, safe, and amazing.  It took less than a week before we admitted we wanted to be exclusive-boyfriend-girlfriend-kisses.  Every step we’ve been trying to give ourselves the best foundation we can: honesty, grace, patience.  Those three things are hard sometimes, but being truly vulnerable with someone has been wonderful; big bold love.  That’s what I wished for as this year started and sometimes the universe gives you exactly what you ask for.

So last week when Mr. A asked me to marry him I said “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes”.  This is, without a doubt, the person I want to spend my life with.  I cannot wait to be married to Mr. A.

So now, tribe.  What advice do you have for me?  If you’re married, what was the best advice you received?  If you’re not married, think of a relationship that really WORKS and tell me why you think it does.  What are the qualities of good marriages?

 

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Comments (19)

19 Responses to “Big Things Part 1: An Engagement”

  • Renee Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 8:08 am

    As an old married woman, I'd like to tell you to have patience and trust his decisions even if you think they aren't the best ones. And never say "I told you so" (something I'm still working on). Be completely honest, even if that honesty requires a glass of wine (well, eventually), but don't be hurtful. Brutal honesty is no one's friend. Communicate communicate communicate but take days away from one another when necessary. And when things get hard, don't feel defeated because you're not.

  • Christina Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 8:39 am

    I think its important to be each other's biggest fan and cheerleader. When life gets hard or when one of you questions your talents or abilities, having that support is so incredibly important. You have to feel like you've got each other's backs no matter what.

    And, have a short memory. Let go of the little hurts and annoyances.

    Good luck and congrats!

  • Megan Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 8:40 am

    My parents knew each other for eight days before getting married (and they've been married for almost twenty-four years). Crazy doesn't exist to me when it comes to "the one." ;)

    Honesty is really an important factor in marriage. If an issue arises, talk about it rationally. (My husband and I have had less than a handful of "arguments" because we practice this.) Also, try to take a deep breath if you're angry at him. :)

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 8:51 am

    First of all, congratulations. You will most likely face some naysayers, who will try to talk you out of things just because it has been a bit of a whirlwind. So, my dear…stay strong. First and foremost, listen to each other. When I met Andrea, I knew right away I wanted to marry her…which was even more volitale, since all of my family wasn't exactly in on the "Erin kinda prefers girls" thing. We stayed strong, and talked to each other about our fears. Have those scary conversations, the ones about money, the ones about the future. I think having those conversations from the beginning, with an agreement to really listen to each other and an agreement to compromise is what provides you with the paints and brushes to paint the picture of you're life together. Finally, "big, giant, squishy hugs of happiness to you and Mr. A!!"

  • katelin Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 9:11 am

    i think one of the most helpful things i was told before i even moved in with matt (let alone married him) was to pick and choose my battles. i know that's true in any relationship but i really stand by it. i mean if he leaves his socks on the floor i don't nag him about it, i'll just pick them up and toss them in the hamper. or i'll nicely ask him to move his shoes. basically if it's something i'm really bothered by then i'll say something, otherwise we're good at picking up on each other's feelings. if that makes any sense at all.

    also. don't go to bed angry. always say i love you. it's a wonderful feeling that way :)

  • Diana Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 9:49 am

    Understanding that it is hard work, that no one is perfect, and that you have to let your love for each other trump all negative or unexpected things that come your way. Fight for it if you have to.

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Thank you Christina!! We're both super excited and really trying to start of our relationship the strongest we can. Thanks for the advice :)

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 10:35 am

    8 days!!! That's AWESOME. I like stories where it works out, because sometimes you just KNOW. Thank you for the advice my dear.

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Such great advice!!! Thanks Erin!

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Picking up on each others feelings, YES. Mr. A and I are both super intuitive. We pick up on things in each other super quickly, which is great (if not sometime frustrating because I can't get away with saying nothing is bugging me)

  • Nora Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Things I've observed from my parents and have becomea part of me in relationships too: talk. Even if you don't want to, talk. Sometimes it's an effort to be in a relationship but as my dad says that's what it takes some days… making every little effort you can for the other person, even if it's as simple as making them coffee or giving them a kiss on the forehead. Know that there will be big blowout fights BUT that it will ALL be ok. Definitely don't go to bed mad, don't make big decisions at night, and when in doubt, do nothing.

    <3

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 11:03 am

    I love you. Have I told you that lately? I also LOVE your parents… so I will take this advice to heart for sure.

  • EllieDi Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 11:10 am

    Remember that you are, in fact, two separate people. You're not going to agree on everything, even big stuff, and you're not required to be a single brain/heart/soul. Keeping your sense of self is absolutely vital.

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 11:13 am

    SUCH wise words.

  • Leslie Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    One of the best analogies about relationships came from my Sweet Husband! Quite a long time ago, he said the people in a good relationship are like two trees planted beside each other. Each person needs to have a strong, separate, individual trunk, but their branches and leaves intertwine. Love this idea. Being an individual, yet connected, and a strong team is so important. I also think it's important to choose a spouse who you admire and feel a little spark of magic every time he enters the room!

  • jbmbayard Says:
    April 7th, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    Best Wishes!!! My first piece of advice is take some time to enjoy being engaged, its over before you know it! As for the marriage advice, it kind of goes along with "pick your battles…" Recognize that compromise does not always mean 50/50. More often its 80/20 sometimes and 20/80 others. Just know that it most likely all balances out in the end.

  • chasingparadise Says:
    April 8th, 2011 at 4:46 am

    I second the "have a short memory" advice. It's detrimental to hold on to grievances and keep them stored up for later. It's a tough practice to learn to let go of things, but letting go is the only way to truly forgive. Congratulations!

  • Juliana Says:
    April 11th, 2011 at 9:07 am

    I'm so excited for you!

    My advice, from being married only six months (but together 4.5 years), is to have time & space to do things separately *occasionally* so that you don't end up living separate lives under the same roof. G. and I both have our own offices in the house, and mine is my personal safe haven. I know I can go in there and write or meditate undisturbed, and when I come out it'll be time for Netflix and tea together without any resentment. He supports me in my need for that "alone time" and we both know that I come to the relationship with more to give when I get that.

  • Sally Says:
    April 11th, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Two books I'd recommend for you to read together and discuss and take to heart: John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (easy read, great points, based on studies) and David Snarch's Passionate Marriage (very dense read, but worthwhile). We read both b/c our premarital counselor had us do it, and they've both been foundational for us growing closer to each other through easy and hard times.

    In general, I would say I've found this: marriage is about a combination of happiness, vulnerability (in its best and potentially scariest forms), and sacrifice. On a day-to-day level, I have a very easy marriage; lots of friends have told us they look to create what my husband and I have, which includes deep love, enormous respect, intellectual engagement, and tons of silliness. But figuring out the bigger picture of our lives together long-term . . . if it seems easy for some couples, that's because one of them is extremely laid-back or is getting walked on or because both members of the couple made sure they had the same plan for how to live and then stuck with the original plan (which many of us do NOT do). Finding a middle ground most of the time and making sacrifices the rest of the time (because compromise sometimes equals no one being happy)–well, it's an adventure, but to work well long-term, it does take two very committed people who are both willing to give more than many of us grow up thinking we'll need to give.

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