Faltering is Human

posted 20th April 2011    Written by: Laura    CATEGORY: Laura, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, What I've Learned

I have a survivor mentality.

I don’t know why or how I learned it – likely from my Mom, who rose above a heck of a lot of challenges in her life – but I definitely notice when the survivor within me takes hold. As soon as a situation calls for it, I can immediately strip everything away – work obligations, social dates, cleaning, cooking, exercising – and focus on only the essentials – showering, sleeping, listening, loving, and caring for whoever needs to be cared for.

My compassion and empathy skyrockets. My logic and reason become laser sharp. If emotions are running rampant around me, I’m often the one who’s staying grounded and level-headed. I can still find clarity and insight in muddled, messy situations.

Sometimes, all of this is a plus. It allows me to be a rock for my loved ones to lean on.

Most recently, my survivor came out when my best friend realized she was headed for divorce. Before that, I was a survivor for Hunny and our little fur baby when she was very sick and scared the crap out of us.

Before that, I was a survivor for my boss while her Mom battled terminal cancer and eventually passed.

Before that, I was a survivor for my Mom when she went through an earth-shattering second divorce.

Before that, I was a survivor for my Dad, who performed CPR on his brother-in-law and then had to call his sister while she was an ocean away and tell her that her husband was gone.

As a kid, I played the role for Mom while she battled cancer. And again as a young teen when my parents divorced.

I don’t recall how my inner survivor manifested itself when I was a child, but I know it was there somehow.

I can be strong for everyone else, that’s an easy role for me to step in to. But as a result, I end up skimming over the situation and not allowing myself to experience its emotional depth. Realizing that was a big ah-ha moment in the last week or so.

For the first time ever, I came to understand that my survivor mentality has its minuses, too. It takes its toll on me, no matter how natural it feels at the time. Seeing, experiencing and absorbing the devastation, tears, confusion and emotional paralysis of my loved ones wears on me. And if I don’t take the time to allow myself to heal, it will catch up with me. It will.

Case in point? In the last couple of weeks, my best friend’s divorce caught up with me. You see, this was the third divorce I’d weathered in the last 15 years and, in many ways, it was a disappointing deja vu of my Mom’s split with her husband two years ago. I never fully dealt with that divorce at the time and now here I was, watching another one of my best friends hurt beyond measure and figuring out how to help them tread water.

Once the dust settled, I crashed. I was tired and drained. I binged on crappy food. I was cranky. My irrational fears had a louder voice than usual. My stomach had a permanent pit in it. I was not myself; not even close. Not knowing why, it freaked me out. I was worried that those feelings of disconnection meant I had lost all of the progress I had made in self-acceptance and authentic living.

But then I realized, I just needed a break. I was emotionally spent. It was my turn to feel shitty. Because the thing is, no one can be indefinitely strong and steady. Faltering - feeling – is human.

Hardships, even those experienced indirectly, need to be respected. You need to let them own you – at least for a wee bit – because otherwise, they won’t go away. They’ll silently nag at you until you give them the attention they deserve.

Only by accepting, acknowledging and articulating this most recent hardship have I been able to climb out of the emotional muck and recognize myself again.

{Photo credit}

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Comments (10)

10 Responses to “Faltering is Human”

  • Ella T Says:
    April 20th, 2011 at 8:58 am

    Oh my did I NEED to read this post today.. You see faltering is right were I am at. I lost my beautiful beloved 20 year old daugher April 1st to cause unknown.. always a mental survivor I have jumped back into everything full swing.. but the pain.. the pit is consuming me.. I think perhaps the Universe has a way of saying.. pay attention to what I am saying.. take that break, breathe.. in and out, be gracious to myself and drink in the wisdom from ones such as yourself. Thank you and blessings for sharing your heart

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    April 20th, 2011 at 10:37 am

    First of all, Ella? I'm SO SO Sorry, I won't say that I know how you feel because I don't. But my heart and thoughts are with you. You're a part of this tribe, and if you need ANYTHING. An-Y-THING, please ask, okay?

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    April 20th, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Being everyone else's rock finally caught up with me, and at that point no one was there to be my rock, it was painful. But I give you mad props for keeping yourself in check, love. This was an awesome post to read today.

  • Big L Says:
    April 20th, 2011 at 11:39 am

    Oh, Ella, I'm so, so sorry.

    Being a survivor and skimming over the pain can really take its toll though, so please, please be careful and give yourself some time. Break, breathe, be gracious to yourself; you've already said it right there. I'm sending you lots of love, and encouraging thoughts that you will pause to listen and let yourself hurt. Hurt, then heal, slowly. No need to thank me, really. All the best xxoo

  • Mom Says:
    April 20th, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Oh my sweet girl…you made me cry. I love you
    xxoo

  • Laurinda Wheeler Says:
    April 20th, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    Wow, did I ever need this today!__I returned home just a couple of days ago after spending two weeks with my two year old in the next province, as my siblings and I dealt with my dad being in ICU, on life support…thankfully, he has recovered for the most part, but pre-existing health concerns and living conditions are a complication. As one of five siblings, I at times, felt as though I was just walking through, going through the motions, trying to be strong for my daughter, and show the others how to be there for eachother… VERY draining, and I am now back at home feeling completley physically and emotionally DRAINED. __Thank you for this, and I am thinking of you as well during this time…

  • Big L Says:
    April 21st, 2011 at 5:08 am

    Oh, dear. Oops. Love you too Mom!

  • Big L Says:
    April 21st, 2011 at 5:11 am

    Oh no, you've had a rough few weeks. So sorry to hear that :-( I completely relate to how drained you must be feeling right now. You're not alone in that, for sure. Taking some time out to love yourself and your little one should go a long way to recharging your batteries. You absolutely deserve and need it!

  • Sam Says:
    April 21st, 2011 at 7:26 am

    I totally understand where you're coming from on this one, Laura. It's part of my nature to be there for the people I care about, but I often forget to take care of myself. It seems like you're the same way, and when people like us go through difficult times in life, it can take us a while to actually process what happened. Having to play the parent role for a parent makes things even tougher. My mom was treated for cancer last year (and is thankfully healthy now). For the past two years, my parents have been separated, and are now in the process of getting divorced. Through all of this, I have frequently found myself worrying about them and how they're doing, but I've learned that I also have to make time to let myself feel. It's okay to be sad and angry and hurt…those are normal human emotions. Faltering is human. Thank you so much for writing this post!

  • amandafarough Says:
    April 23rd, 2011 at 9:02 am

    … I swear to cupcakes, we must be the same person sometimes. Jeebus, woman, it's like you reached into my soul and pulled this out.

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