Learning the Meaning of Deliberate Living

posted 2nd April 2011    Written by: Dee    CATEGORY: All Posts, Dee, Season 4, Tips & Tools

Deliberate. I was immediately drawn to the word. It’ll be coaching sessions and it’ll be about Deliberate Living. Done. Sign me up.

As I wrapped up my last group coaching session with Molly and my sweet new girlfriends a week ago, I realized that I’d been drawn to a word that I couldn’t explain, even after it was all over- a word that had changed me- deliberate. Webster defines “deliberate” nicely, both as an adjective and as a verb; a definition that includes words like “intentional,” “carefully weighed,” “studied,” and “to reflect.” A few short weeks ago, I heard from Molly that she’d be beginning a group coaching session. And in those few short weeks, everything in my world went topsy turvy. Everything has changed. Everything.

To be deliberate. Yeah. I knew I needed to learn to be that. I knew I’d made mad progress identifying my super-specific goals through the Joy Equation, but I needed an extra push in order to make it all come together in the grind of everyday livin’. I wanted to look in depth at my habits, my strengths, my deficiencies and I wanted someone who’d been through it to help me. I wanted action. I was looking for strategies, and most of all, I was desperate for someone to hold me accountable. I needed help.

So I signed up for Molly’s promise that there would be 10 weeks of Action and I plunked down the money for Deliberate Living Group Coaching. And I was terrified. TERR-I-FIED. I mean, I’d been in communication with Molly in order to get my gig writing here, but now I was going to have to get deep with her, reveal it all, spill my guts, and let her show me what I couldn’t show myself. I had a life coach, a group taking the challenge with me, and I felt the pressure.

Week after week, through the program, I was asked and able to check in, really dig into what my head space was like, complete challenges that were specific to my own situation, and rock with Molly and the other ladies in my group over everything from balance to vulnerability, sleep and money, desired feelings and the little shit that was eating me alive. Best part? Whatever we were feeling and thinking is what we were talking about, with the guidance of a skilled mentor and with the support of one another.

This Molly Mahar, she’s the real deal. This easily could have been a regimented, calculated ten weeks based on principles that are proven and guaranteed to work. Sure, some people are looking for those sorts of strategies- and don’t get me wrong, it’s chock full of that. But, what made this program perfect for me, the women in my group, and I’m sure many other women, was the personal approach and attention Molly gave to each of us, week after week, based on our own progress, what we were personally looking for, and what she saw in us. By getting to know us, she catered to our individual needs and potential and was able to give us more than we could have possibility known we were asking for.

“Deliberate Living is all about being aware of how we spending our time. It’s having the ability to be present and to check in with ourselves. It’s making a conscious decision about what your next moment will be and how it can be the best.” -Molly Mahar

No lie, my experience with the Deliberate Living thing was confusing for the first few weeks. What were we doing? What were all the challenges and assignments and conference calls and emails supposed to mean? Was it going to help? Was I actually going to change this time? Was it a bunch of mumbo jumbo? Nine weeks into the program, I was feeling like I’d missed something.

But then, in preparation for our last group phone call, I skimmed through the journaling I’d done, the writing I’d completed, the projects I’d started and finished, and the relationships I’d been encouraged to mend and…

BAM! It clicked. I knew I’d found what I needed. I could see so clearly all that had changed in my life. There is no feeling that can replace that feeling of accomplishment that I felt, that feeling of certainty that I have always held the power within myself to change and make this life exactly what I want. And asking for help is absolutely okay and sometimes the only, only way.

Before the program began, Molly asked me: “What are you especially sensitive about or scared about in regards to this coaching program?”

I answered: “I’m worried about failing again, in the sense that it will all come to a conclusion and I’ll realize that I don’t possess the ability to train myself to execute. I’ve been uncovering my true self, my passions, and my unique preferences for a really long time, and I have a great blueprint to work with. Now it’s time for building it all and I am TERRIFIED that I’ve built a model that I can’t create in real life.”

I trained myself. I built it. In real life.

I found out things about myself that I never would have been brave enough to explore (my tendency to rely to much on willpower, my hesitance to ask for what I want and how that cripples me, my need for systems, identifying who is in my corner, my triggers, the toxicity building up in my life, and how gratitude and mindfulness practices, and journaling can save my life). Molly questioned me, probed, prodded and sometimes forced me to go there in my head and heart. I was pushed to go for what I always said I’d go for and I uncovered a side of myself that I didn’t even know I wanted to expose.

The ten week journey wrapped up last week. There were tears. There were ear-to-ear smiles and genuine feelings felt through a conference call that connected women in three time zones. There was an overwhelming feeling of optimism. There was intense introspection and reflection on the weeks we’d spent looking into our deepest depths- about personal integrity, passion, recovering our senses of possibility, eliminating toxicity, courageous self expression, presence, balance, accountability, closure, and creating supportive systems.

I can’t say enough about the value of the group dynamic. As a group, we bounced ideas off of one another, learned to listen to ourselves and others tenderly, offered constructive advice based on our own experiences, and helped each other jump from stone to stone until we’d crossed the rocky river together. We held each other’s hands and cheered together when we got to the other side, where we stand now, stronger.

After all the pressure I’d felt in the beginning, I am so thankful for what the ten weeks did for me: it took the pressure away.

We can’t see ourselves from every angle. We can try and try and try to know ourselves, but there is nothing that can replace the point of view of kind, intelligent, informed, objective women who have been there and are there right now. There is nothing as valuable as a safe space in which we are encouraged to know ourselves. Sometimes, we just need help. Plain and simple.

[photo credit: Not Good Enough]

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Comments (2)

2 Responses to “Learning the Meaning of Deliberate Living”

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    April 2nd, 2011 at 10:11 am

    This just made my entire week, Dee. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience with the entire world! You, my dear, are a gem and it was really special to get to know you on such a deep level. You'll always be close to my heart- and I cannot WAIT to see how all of our "work" (work? fun? time together?) solidifies for you in the next 6 months. You've got tools and clarity to execute, I promise.

    And things will shift and change and you'll know how to get curious about yourself and be gracefully flexible when need be… You've been doing it already.

    Of course, I'm always here for YOU. And I'm forever on your side.

    XOXO Molly

  • Juliana Says:
    April 5th, 2011 at 5:30 am

    Having a group to work with is an amazing thing. Thanks for sharing this experience!

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