Maybe Baby, But Not Right Now

posted 24th April 2011    Written by: Juliana    CATEGORY: All Posts, Family, Juliana, Season 4

So, now that there has been another pregnancy announced in our small group of season 4 bloggers, I’m starting to worry that there is something in the Stratejoy water.  I am so, so happy for our mamas-to-be and know they will both be incredible parents to very lucky kiddos, but I have to admit I am a little scared that it’s contagious now!

But seriously, all the baby talk around here has had me thinking about the Baby Question.

We’ve all heard the rhyme, right?

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes… “  well, you know what’s supposed to come next there.   Some of you may be wondering why, after only six months of marriage, I’d be thinking about babies at all.   Mostly, it’s because I can’t seem to avoid the subject.

I may have been naive to think that I’d have plenty of time before people started asking us when we were planning to have children. (Not if, but when. Most people don’t ask if.)  Perhaps it was silly of me to assume that, in our modern age, most people don’t concern themselves with the reproductive habits of their friends and neighbors.   Alas, I was wrong.

I was surprised by the very first person to say something, because it wasn’t my mother or any of my Italian relatives.  Defying stereotype altogether, they have been completely silent on the subject.  The first person to say something was… my dad.   And he didn’t even wait until after the wedding.   During our Father-Daughter dance, he gestured to one of the cute little kids playing on the dance floor and said, “So, when are you going to get one of those?”

Then, it was our neighbors. Our neighbors across the street are a very sweet family with two kids.  Two days after our wedding, as we were preparing to leave for our honeymoon trip, our neighbors were chatting with us out in the driveway. (The lady of the family is Ukrainian, which is only important to the story so that you can picture her accent.)

Neighbor Lady:  If you want to walk in the mornings with me, I can do.  Was much easier for us to get pregnant after I started exercise.

Me:  Uh. Thank you. I’m… we’re not… but…

Neighbor Lady:  Sure! You just let me know. We try for years at first, but soon as I exercise, we pregnant! You should try.

Me: ….. [polite smile]

Little Neighbor Girl:  I will be the BEST babysitter!

These types of encounters are pretty easy to brush off, actually, but some part of them tends to linger in the back of my mind.  I sometimes wonder if there’s something wrong with me because I don’t want to rush into motherhood this early into my marriage…and because I’m not sure if I ever want to do it at all.

My ambivalence about motherhood comes as a surprise to some people.  I spent years as a nanny and have served as a doula & childbirth educator to more than 20 families.   Pregnancy, birth, and parenthood are subjects that have played strong roles in my life for the last decade, as I’ve tried to advocate for and support new families.  Because of this, I think people assume that I am eager to become a mother myself.   Truthfully, my close relationship with the experiences of parents has probably served to deter me.

I don’t mean that I see “how awful” parenthood is and want to stay away from it.  Rather, I am not naive about the incredible commitment and devotion necessary to be a wonderful parent, having watched so many families blossom.   It’s not a fear of the loss of identity, but rather the understanding that, for a little while at least, it seems necessary to allow the role of Mother to subsume other aspects of identity in favor of nurturing a new human being.  It’s also my belief that many people (luckily not the ones I have interacted with!) go into parenthood because they are “supposed to” and not because they truly grasp what this change will mean in their lives.   I have no illusions about the total overhaul that motherhood can require, and so I’m not in any rush to take it on.  I know exactly the type of thing I’d be getting myself into.  It is a task I both admire and know that I am not equipped for at the moment.

Lest I seem like some kind of Debbie Downer, I want to clarify that I have a deep reverence for Motherhood and birth. I have witnessed the birthing process many times now, and each time there is something truly magical about it.  No matter how stoic the doctor, no matter how chaotic the room, no matter how much ambient noise there is in the surrounding area, the mood changes at the precise moment before a child is born.   Collectively, everyone present seems to hold the space, some even holding their breath, right before the last “push”.   Everyone in the room becomes acutely aware that, in just a moment, there will be a new person, a new being here with us on Earth, who was not here before.

That moment never ceases to bring tears to my eyes and awe to my heart, and I will never take it lightly.

So, perhaps one day I’ll venture into that territory, but for now the world of Motherhood is for others to explore, and I’m happy to observe from a close distance.

 

[photo by Psicoloco]

Bookmark and Share
Comments (11)

11 Responses to “Maybe Baby, But Not Right Now”

  • Renee Says:
    April 24th, 2011 at 8:11 am

    "It’s not a fear of the loss of identity, but rather the understanding that, for a little while at least, it seems necessary to allow the role of Mother to subsume other aspects of identity in favor of nurturing a new human being."

    AMEN, SISTER. I just feel I have so much to say on my own before I want to say it through my children. Having kids might be in our future, it might not be, but I want to bask in my two-person family right now… and there's nothing wrong with that! (So stop asking, nosy neighbors!)

  • amandafarough Says:
    April 24th, 2011 at 9:14 am

    You already know how I feel about this but… I'll give you another resounding HELL YEAH. And possibly give you internet high-fives.

  • Juliana Says:
    April 25th, 2011 at 7:25 am

    And I love that you acknowledge that a two person family IS a family. One of my peeves is when people ask if we are going to "start a family" when I think we did that when we got married.

  • Juliana Says:
    April 25th, 2011 at 7:25 am

    internet high-fives are pretty awesome. :)

  • Bri - Habbala Says:
    April 25th, 2011 at 7:37 am

    So you DON'T want some of the water I've been drinking? Got it. :)

    I always new I wanted to be a mama, but there is no way I would have done it *this* way if I had planned better…. we're kind of jumping into the deep end and just praying we make it.

  • Beckles Says:
    April 25th, 2011 at 9:18 am

    One of my best friends is getting married in September and just found out she's pregnant. She's always said she wanted us to have kids together. I love kids and want them *someday*, but I told her I'd be sitting this one out.

  • Michele Says:
    April 25th, 2011 at 9:22 am

    Very insightful Juliana! As mother of one of the births you have witnessed, I really respect your thoughts on this. Yes, you already have a family, and yes, you should enjoy that new family time. We were together about 13 years before we had our daughter (married for 5 of those) and I am so grateful that we had that time together. I am awed by what she has brought into our lives, but it is very nice that we had a strong foundation of each other before we expanded our family, becuase things are never the same! Also, as soon as you have number one people start asking about number 2! :)

  • Stephanie Says:
    April 25th, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Very insightful post and I agree with you 100% about everything you said! I couldn't have said it better myself. I LOVE being the friend aunt and having an 11 year old God-daughter. But I'm not in any hurray to have my own children and may not ever – which is absolutely ok! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the subject with everyone.

  • Juliana Says:
    April 26th, 2011 at 8:32 am

    "Also, as soon as you have number one people start asking about number 2!"
    Isn't that crazy? What do they want from us? Haha.

    I am honored to have been a part of Stella's birth day and being able to witness these things regularly. It is truly life-changing to even be an outside participant.

  • Juliana Says:
    April 26th, 2011 at 8:33 am

    Thanks Stephanie!
    Yeah, I love kids and parents and all of that… I just am not sure if it's right for me. Time will tell, I suppose.

  • Juliana Says:
    April 26th, 2011 at 8:33 am

    And once you're ready you'll still have kids "together"… just a few years apart maybe. ;)

Leave a Reply

name*


email* (will not be published)


website


comments