quit playing games with my heart

posted 22nd April 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Job/Career/Work, Katharine, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel/Adventure

Confession:  I’m terrified of falling in love.  Again.

I have avoided serious relationships over the last three years for exactly this reason.

I fall hard and fast.  I put myself out there because I believe it’s the only way to truly be loved by someone.

But when you give someone your heart and they rip it out and shatter it into a million tiny pieces, it forces you to never want to fall in love again.

It’s been almost three years since a man, who I was convinced was my soul mate, shattered my heart.  I spent nearly two years trying to mend it back together, trying to convince myself that we could be friends, and trying to pretend like I was just fine.  Except, we couldn’t be friends, and I wasn’t ‘just fine.’  I was damaged and broken and it was [mostly] his fault.  It took me a long time to finally realize what I’m worth, what I deserve, and how toxic that relationship was. 

Are we ever really ‘just friends’ with our exes?

Over time, I stitched the wounds back together and I gave myself the chance to get back in the [dating] game.  But sometimes dating in a big city, like Philadelphia, just downright sucks.  Not only are you competing for a man’s affection, but you’re competing against the other single ladies in the city.

I gave it a shot, though.  I put myself out there, balls to the face wall, and dated [another] man I met through hockey.  After a month and a half of dating, I got burned.  I allowed myself to become vulnerable to a man – telling him my darkest secrets and my deepest fears – and he still managed to get the best of me.  He pushed me into that infamous ‘friend zone’ and I felt like someone had punched me in the ovaries repeatedly, as hard as they could.

It wasn’t his fault; his intentions were genuine.  In fact, looking back on it now, he did the right thing by being brutally honest with me about his dating trend because we’ve built a better friendship around it, but that experience still left a scar.

I moved out of the country because I was tired of the crappy dating experiences.  I was tired of the games, the rejections, the lies, and getting burned over and over.  I was tired of dating someone and having them run away the second I mentioned I had cervical cancer.  I was sick of the constant pity party when I confessed that my parents are deceased.

I came to Prague in search of a way to find inner peace and resolution, but a bigger part of me moved out of the country because I need to find a way to love myself before I can allow a man to love me.

I gave this a shot.  I spent five weeks living in Prague, trying to find answers to those painful questions I’ve been avoiding.  Am I really happier here?  Did I really do this for the right reasons? I even grew a crush on a boy man while I was here – and perhaps it has potential – but I just can’t stay.  Because if I stay in Prague, I’m staying for all of the wrong reasons, and I owe it to myself to do this right – to discover what it means to live passionately and to find a way to really fall in love with my life.

My intention was to stay in Prague for a year, but in a couple weeks I’ll be heading to Thailand to teach English to students at a summer school.  Six months ago, I never imagined I’d be living in Prague, getting certified to teach English.  One month ago, I never even considered teaching in Asia so soon.  Right now, I can’t believe that I’ll soon be living and teaching in a third world country.

As Cee Lo Green would sing, “Ain’t that some shit.”

Life is so crazy sometimes.

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Comments (9)

9 Responses to “quit playing games with my heart”

  • Akirah Says:
    April 22nd, 2011 at 9:38 am

    I GET this. I really do. Each time I have a bad dating experience, my wall goes up higher and higher. Right now, it's incredibly high. I recently ended a relationship with a man I loved because after pursuing and falling in love with me, he told me that he could never be with me because his family would never approve (they're Iraqi). So now I'm festering in anger, not understanding why he approached me in the first place and why I appear to be doomed with men. And my desire to go somewhere or do something new grows with me.

    But I know I must first love myself before I can even think about being with someone. And I know this is a goal I can accomplish in my own city…as I finish my graduate program in social work. So I will continue loving myself, in spite of what happens with the men I date. Life is funny, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Good luck in Thailand. I'm sure you'll return to the States a better, stronger, happier woman (not that you aren't already these things!).

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    April 22nd, 2011 at 10:22 am

    That's a tough realization, but so essential: "I have to learn to love myself before I can expect a man to love me". Or at least a healthy man, I feel like a lot of relationships are a direct reflection of how we treat ourselves.

    I showed your picture to Mr. 90210. He's infatuated.

    And you're welcome for the totally off-topic comment.

  • Kate Says:
    April 23rd, 2011 at 6:17 am

    I completely get the anger and not understanding part. I had fallen madly in love with a man for three years, and in the end, he just couldn't commit, and it basically ripped me apart for the following two years. I forced myself to build a wall to every man who would come remotely close to me, because I was too terrified to get my heart broken again.

    Even now, i'm still terrified of getting hurt, but I believe that we wouldn't know what's right without the pain. These experiences truly shape our heart and it makes us understand and eventually realize what we, as women, truly deserve when it comes to love and relationships.

    My heart goes out to you – don't be afraid to fall sometimes; just make sure you pick yourself back up, brush yourself off, and go back out there and be a force to be reckoned with. You truly deserve the absolute best in life and love!

    XO

  • amandafarough Says:
    April 23rd, 2011 at 8:58 am

    Love can be such an asshole. I look at my relationship these days and wonder, "How the hell did I manage to find this?" After so MANY years of dating the wrong kind of person, I still think that Mike may just up and leave one day because there's a sweeter deal elsewhere. Obviously, he won't; he's not that guy. But the doubts are there. There are still fragments missing or bruised or battered and completely SQUASHED that even the best relationship can't patch up.

    But the inner admonition of "I gotta love myself before I love someone else" is crucial. When I got together with Mike almost six years ago, I really, really hated myself. H-A-T-E. Strong word, yes? Yes, well, you didn't know teenage Amanda. She was a pain in the ass. As a result, I fucked up a lot (oh mai gawd did I ever). I could've driven him away with my crazy on I don't know how many occasions but that man is strong stuff. He stuck around.

    Point is this: you are good people and, ultimately, you'll find yourself giving your heart to one specifically good person at some point in time. There's no sense in rushing in. As Elvis says, "Only fools rush in." Take care of your heart, baby, 'cause no one else is going to. xoxo

  • Kate Says:
    April 23rd, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    You're so right about not rushing into it. Though it's hard not to, since most of my friends are married/engaged/having babies/moving on with their lives, I'm really trying to take care of myself and look out for #1.

  • amandafarough Says:
    April 23rd, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Well, anytime you want to chat, I practically live on the Skype. Sending you big hearts. <3

  • suki Says:
    April 24th, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Thailand – how exciting. :)

  • Nessa Says:
    April 25th, 2011 at 8:13 am

    UGH Boy can I relate! Not only have I felt that past relationships have left there unfortunate mark, but I tried to be oh so careful with men's hearts and did not always succeed. There was one point where I was in the dating scene giving advice to other people, and realized how negative I really was. Despite what my romantic past has brought does not make every man the same, and in fact many have had successful relationships where I thought they would fail. I love that you're focusing on yourself that's the most important way to love! Do I sense an Eat, Pray, Love novel following this trip? ;-)

  • Kate Says:
    April 25th, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    I started reading EPL for the third time on my flight back from Prague. I'm getting so much more out of the book now that I'm going through my own truth-seeking journey. I still want to read The Alchemist though!

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