Reclaiming a Broken Life

posted 1st April 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Katharine, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel/Adventure

How do you explain to a new friend how things like depression, cancer, and losing your parents, have shaped your life?  How do you tell them that one year ago you were on the verge of committing suicide because you believed that your life wasn’t worth living anymore?  How you do open yourself up to someone who has the potential of becoming a good friend when your past experiences have permanently scarred you and caused you to isolate yourself from the rest of the world?

When I moved to Prague, I wanted to do this with a clean slate.  I wanted to go into this experience with an open mind and accept whatever struggles and hardships I would face living as an Expat with a damaged life.  Diving into a TEFL program with 23 other students is overwhelming.  I’m spending 4 weeks with these people, and I want to build as many genuine friendships as I can, but I don’t know how to talk about my broken life without creating awkward conversations, pity, and sympathy.

Moving to a new country is challenging, but doing so with the intention of reclaiming your life is even more challenging.  How do you reclaim your life if you don’t know where to start?

I spent a good portion of my time in Philadelphia hiding behind walls because I was too terrified for anyone to know the real me.  It was easier for me to play along with the idea of seeing my parents for the holidays than actually admitting to friends and acquaintances that they are deceased.  It was – and still is – painful to think about them, and even talk about them in any context because most of my friends’ and acquaintances’ parents are still alive and have the luxury of seeing them.  Sometimes I’m torn to pieces just thinking about how much of my life has uncontrollably gone to shit.

I moved out of the country because I was afraid that my life wouldn’t amount to anything if I continued living in Philadelphia.  Truth is, I felt like I failed at life when I was living in the States.  So, I did what [maybe] most people would do – I ran away.  Only this time, I ran across bodies of water and into another continent.  Maybe it wasn’t the right answer, but it was the only answer and justification I could give myself. It was the only way I knew how to find myself again.  Except, when you move out of the country (or anywhere), your past still follows you.  I’m still damaged, grieving over losing my parents, and fighting personal demons.  I’m still struggling to find myself among a crowd of expats while learning to accept my broken past and still move forward every day without being crippled by those experiences.

I moved to Prague with the intention of starting with a clean slate, but when we make bold decisions like starting over, is the slate ever really clean to begin with?

{picture: taken in Prague}

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Comments (11)

11 Responses to “Reclaiming a Broken Life”

  • Lindsey Says:
    April 1st, 2011 at 8:45 am

    Oh, Katharine, so many times I have encountered this feeling of "running away" from a life I completely fucked up, only to realize that the words "running away" make it seem even worse. I've traveled for any & every reason, it seems. And the glamour of living abroad & experiencing culture firsthand is just the tip of the iceberg. Somedays life SUCKS living out of the country – you eat a bad cheeseburger and can't walk for 3 days, all your money gets stolen, and you get a gun pulled on you in your hotel room – but in the end these crazy experiences give you a lens to look at your life, and realize how in the face of {even more? self-inflicted? day-to-day?} adversity, you are a strong woman & you prevail.

    One of my very best friends just lost her mother, and any remaining semblance of home & family continues to evaporate as the days go by. She wants to travel and run away and I see nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, that "clean slate" that comes with being surrounded by fresh new faces gives a whole new perspective on who you are. And as you slowly build real relationship with your travel companions or TEFL coworkers, you're slate will never be clean. You are still the same person, you've just removed all the distractions of your "other life" and there is time to make sense of all those feelings you carry around.

    Or something. Good luck, girl. Yay, Prague!

  • Keri Says:
    April 1st, 2011 at 10:14 am

    This is a great post. Thanks for opening up so much and sharing this with us.

    I went through a similar life-changing period a few years ago. I was very depressed after making a huge decision and moving across the US. I spent months doing literally nothing. Once I got a new job and started going out more, people would ask me innocent questions that were actually very personal to me- innocuous things like "Where did you go to school?" or "What did you do at your old job?" and it was too painful to answer.

    In situations like this, you're at a vulnerable point in your life and you need to protect yourself in order to get stronger. If someone asks you something you can't answer, you can do a few things, depending on the person and how well you know them, and how you think they'll react.

    You could be really vague and change the subject, and hope they get the hint (most people do). Answer with a short response, whatever you're comfortable sharing, and then ask them about themselves. People love talking about themselves =)

    You could say something like, "It was a really hard time for me, and I don't really feel comfortable talking about it yet." Most people are very gracious when you say something like this, and very willing to change the subject.

    Once you start getting to know people, you can share more bits as they come up. But don't be afraid to change the subject again if you feel uncomfortable.

    You're putting your life back together and rediscovering a new you. Don't feel guilty about holding back, and don't feel like a fake or a phony. You're just protecting your newborn self until you gain the strength to put yourself out there again.

    You're so brave writing about this. I wish you the best!

  • Guest-L Says:
    April 1st, 2011 at 10:29 am

    As someone who doesn't have a connection with any relatives & considers herself without family, the best thing you can do is come up very a very brief answer that can satisfy others, while revealing very little. It's good to include something to show that you are trying to move on or find an alternative. Everything depends on your comfort level with the person(s). You can say that your best friends are all the family you have for now, but hopefully that will change in the future. You can always expand upon what you share at a later date if you choose. There's no reason why you can't start over. You can be open and friendly without revealing everything.

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    April 1st, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Past will always follow you, but I think the important thing to note is that those horrible things in the past made you who you are. They contributed to a lot of bad things that have happened in your life, but also a lot of good. Honor where you came from, but don't let it hold you back from where you're going.

    I think you'll find a way to filter through the people who you want to tell 'your story' to. "Where are your parents?" "I lost them when I was younger" may be an okay answer for you. Or maybe you're at a point where you just want to open up to everyone, now that you've done so recently. Either way, know that you're having a once in a lifetime experience, you can't change your past, can't guarantee your future, and you have right now.

    Now send me some Prague Presents.

  • Kate Says:
    April 3rd, 2011 at 9:39 am

    I'm still in the 'honeymoon' phase of living abroad. I think mostly because my TEFL program is kicking my ass right now, and I don't have much (if any) spare time to just sit and breathe. I am truly loving living abroad right now though, and moving to Prague was definitely the right decision for me. I just hope that I can reclaim my life again. I don't really know where to start, or if it's even possible to reclaim one's life after the hell I've been through.

    I know my slate will never be clean, but I guess the best I can do right now is let the wounds heal and then try to restore whatever is left, in whatever way I can. I'm so used to running away from things when they get bad, and I guess this just shows how much I'm willing to 'run.'

    I suppose running away isn't necessarily a bad thing because I came to Prague for a reason and I intend on getting certified to teach English here, but it's tough to face reality in the face and accept the reasons that led me to moving to Prague.

  • Kate Says:
    April 3rd, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Writing for Stratejoy has helped me tell my story – and it's perhaps much easier to talk about my story after I put it out there because then I don't have to tell my friends/acquaintances face-to-face and I can avoid that awkward conversation. But it's still challenging to be able to accept the past for what it is and use it to help me move forward. So many people have reached out to me to tell me how inspiring I am for telling my story to the entire effing internet, and it's helped me get one step closer to acceptance.

    It's always challenging though, when I meet new friends/people, and they ask me about my family, or what led me to Prague, and I have to either lie to their face, or be a Debbie Downer about it. I just want to be normal again, ya know?

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    April 3rd, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Darlin', you haven't failed at life, not even one little bit. You've struggled, come up short and fallen down. The important thing is you've kept going. I love and admire you for dusting off the cobwebs and going after a life that fulfills you. You haven't let all of those struggles stop your passion. That's something no one can ever take from you. You're strong enough to share your story with us. You're strong enough to feel the grief for your parents, for the life you thought you'd have. So keep on truckin' and don't be afraid to reach out when you need a pick me up. We're all here for you.

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    April 3rd, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    "I just hope that I can reclaim my life again."

    Sweetie, you are reclaiming your life. Right now, this very moment while you're falling into a frenzied, stressed out sleep in the city so far away from home, you are reclaiming your life. You do it with every new step, every purchase of chic European flats, with every new lesson plan, with every awkward answer to personal questions. You do it with every broken heart flare, with every new decision, with each new, gorgeous piece of your life that you share with us.

    THIS IS THE PROCESS. It happens in fits and starts and collections of carried memories, some sweet, some sharp.

    This IS your life. You are living it.

    Love you.

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    April 3rd, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Damn straight we're all here for you. (Thanks for reminding us, Erin!) XO

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    April 3rd, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Tell the truth (to the degree you're comfortable) in your perfect, self-deprecating way, and then tell them they are part of your new life- where only amazing things happen. (Normal is boring, anyhoooo).

    Maybe a "Are you sure you really want to know?" pre-question will let them know you've got more than a casual answer to their questions. I know I feel honored when you've shared your truth with me, like you trust me with this tender part of your heart.

    And I'm glad writing here has helped. It's nice to just get it out there, eh? I'm such a proud Mama Bear.

  • Sarah Greenwood Says:
    April 6th, 2011 at 2:58 am

    Moving to a new place can be seen as "running away" and believe me i've done it numerous times over the last few years. But its also extremely exciting, meeting new people, experiencing new cultures. I always thought that moving somewhere new would mean i could start afresh, and to a certain extent it does, however, remember that your old demons will always be with you, and lurking somewhere in the closet and you will still need to let them out sometimes. You have the amazing Stratejoy to help you through all that, don't worry about telling you new friends about your past, take this opportunity to move on from it, use Stratejoy to talk about the past when you need to, but move forward, let your new friends see the new Katherine, who is in NO WAY a failure (not that the old one was even slightly close to failing) and you will soon find your past will be just that… the past.
    I'm excited to read more about Prague…. one of the few cities in europe i've not yet made it to.

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