Searching for happiness

posted 29th April 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Katharine, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel, Travel/Adventure, What I've Learned

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort.  You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it.” - Eat, Pray, Love

What exactly is happiness?  How do you know when you find it?  Is it a constant euphoric feeling?  Are we ever truly happy?

I’ve been fighting depression since I was 20 years old.  I chose against antidepressants because I was afraid I would get addicted to them.  So instead, I chose alcohol.  I went through a rough phase with it shortly after my mother passed away.  I drank.  A lot.  My senior year of college I drank every night.  Every. Single. Night.  Some nights I would drink myself to sleep just to drown the pain.

For the first two years I lived in Philadelphia, I hoovered that fine line of alcoholism.  I knew things were really bad when I gave myself alcohol poisoning one night.  I mean, it wasn’t on purpose.  I was out with a friend on a Friday afternoon.  It started out as an innocent happy hour.  We would catch up over a few drinks, maybe get some dinner, and then go our separate ways.  Instead, we chose to go all out, balls to the wall, and drink hardcore on a Friday night.  I drank to numb the emotional pain that night, and I paid for it later on.

Over the last year, I’ve worked really hard to turn myself around.  I saw a therapist to work through my emotional pain, and I’ve curbed my alcohol intake dramatically.  Well, minus the bender on New Year’s Eve and Las Vegas in February for a hockey tournament.  Those don’t count.

Lately, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to answer the tough questions about why I’m struggling emotionally and the real reasons I moved out of the States.

I thought moving out of the States and reclaiming my life would fix my problems with depression and unhappiness.  I mean, I have the freedom to travel the world and do whatever I want.  Most people don’t ever get a chance like this in their lifetime.

So, why did I move abroad?  I don’t know.  I had just lost my job and needed a temporary fix.  I felt like I failed at life in the States.  I was tired of the American dating scene.  I needed to do something bold and gutsy to feel something other than pain.  Truth is, I can’t explain it.  People constantly ask me why I did it and I don’t have just one answer for them.  I was just sick of living every day the same way and feeling inadequate.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in Eat Pray Love:

Virgina Woolf wrote, ‘Across the broad continent of a woman’s life falls the shadow of a sword.’  On one side of that sword there lies convention and tradition and order, where ‘all is correct.’  But on the other side of that sword, if you’re crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, ‘all is confusion.  Nothing follows a regular course.’

I choose confusion.

I always thought happiness was found by living the traditional lifestyle.  I thought if I followed the trend of school-work-marriage-babies that I would be genuinely happy.  But somewhere between alcohol and depression, I realized that my life isn’t supposed to be traditional.  I’m not made to follow that trend.

I was made to stand out from the crowd.  I was made to be one of those people who refused to settle for a measly job and an unsatisfying relationship.  I was made to reclaim a life full of passion, intention, and happiness.  I just hope that someday I can find what I’m looking for.

 

{photo credit: helenista fashion}

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Comments (7)

7 Responses to “Searching for happiness”

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    April 29th, 2011 at 8:16 am

    New Years Eve totally doesn't count. $5 Vodka? COME ON.

    I think it's a crazy interesting place you're in, and I feel almost like I'm there too. We're not trying to erase the pain anymore, because we know it makes us who we are. There are bad days (ahem. yesterday), and good days (ahem. last night) that are filled with laughs.

    But still, if we're not chasing away pain anymore, what is this happiness that we're chasing after now? Where is it? What's the feeling of incompleteness?

    It's nice to know someone is in the same sort of situation that I am. Recovery is a bitch. And so are you. I mean that lovingly.

  • Jade S Says:
    April 29th, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart! I know that it takes great courage to talk about stuff like this and I admire you for it. As I read the first few paragraphs of this post I had to pause for a moment because I thought I was reading my own story. It comforted me so deeply in this season to know that there are others who have shared similar emotional struggles. I don't have any words of advice or incredible insight – I just wanted to share with you that there is someone who understands your battle and thank you so much for sharing. One quote that comes to mind is "I never get lost cause I don't know where I'm going" – that combined with the hope that there is a God bigger than helping me out (thankfully) really gives me hope and keeps me going. Lots of love and joy to you and I'm confident that one day you will find exactly what you are looking for! xoxo

  • Kate Says:
    April 29th, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Thank you so much for reading, Jade! It's tough for me to expose my life in a way that doesn't make me seem like I'm batshit crazy or damaged goods. It's tough to find that line between exposing myself so that I can help others realize they're not alone, and exposing myself just for the sake of it. I do it because I want other women, such as yourself, to know that you're not alone. I put myself out there so that I can help encourage more women to find the strength to continue living each day with passion and intention. We are worth it and we truly deserve the best life possible.

    Sending you lots of love and joy back. You're the reason I continue to share my story with Stratejoy! xoxo

  • Lauren Frtisky Says:
    April 29th, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    This is a great post, Kate. I went through the same thing trying to figure out why I really moved abroad, too. You'll get there and be better for it.

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    April 29th, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    I agree with Lauren, you will get there because you haven't given up. You are still looking for the pieces that make you who you are. Those pieces may be far flung around the world, but you will find them because you keep searching for that gem of a life. You ask yourself the tough questions. You have seen the rough stuff, and you challenged yourself to find the shiny stuff. Its out there, for sure. Also, good for you…do you know how many people NEVER ask themselves what they want from life?

  • Kate Says:
    May 2nd, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Thanks, lady! It's comforting to know that there are women out there who are or have experienced similar feelings! xoxo

  • Kate Says:
    May 2nd, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Thanks, Erin! Asking the tough questions was more painful than I thought it would be, but I know it's going to help me figure out who I really am, and what happiness really feels like. Thank you so much for supporting me along this incredible journey! You're amazing! xoxo

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