The Fear of Being Found Out

posted 30th April 2011    Written by: Dee    CATEGORY: All Posts, Dee, Season 4, What I've Learned

The other day, I was chatting with my advisor about big stuff like anxiety, the Cardinals, train rides, the depth of existence, and why no one talks in class anymore.

In response to my concern that nobody speaks up in the discussion section of my Religious Studies seminar, he said something that clicked like whoa. “People are just so afraid of being found out,” he said. “They fear judgment. They fear being placed in a box. They fear being misunderstood, thought a fool, or offending someone. So, they say nothing. Then, you know what happens? Nobody knows them. And they don’t know themselves.”

What he said vibrated at my core. That was what it had been all along.

I have a fear of being found out.

It’s difficult, painful, go-to-the-depths-of-your-heart-and-soul, real work, but moving through my personal QLC has required that I identify the triggers that sent me into the tailspin.  It’s hard, of course, to pinpoint roots of dramatic shifts in mental well-being, but as I’ve worked through the Joy Equation, focused on Deliberate Living, tested the amazing and soon-to-be-launched Joy Juice, and talked to wise people, I’ve uncovered the very important little virus that snuck into my psyche and paralyzed me:

I developed a fear of letting people know my unique self.

Molly always says, “Think about when the last time was that you felt truly happy and begin working from there to understand how you can apply that to now.” I can look back on a time when I wasn’t experiencing the pangs of depression, the jolts of fear, the embarrassment, or the burdens of irresponsibility. I remember what it was like to feel free of worry.

The time when I was happiest was a time when I was proud and sure of who I was: A farmer’s daughter, raised in the home that my great-great grandfather built, brought up fishing in the evenings, riding my pony in the fields, and running wild with my little brother through hay stacks. Going to mass and to my grandparent’s for breakfast every Sunday. Raising kittens and calves and turtles. Hitting flea markets with my mom. Cheering at the local football game. Going to school everyday with a class of eleven people, the same eleven people I’d been with since we were five years old. Swimming in our pond. Singing and playing instruments with my family on the back porch. Going to sleep with the windows open and all the doors unlocked.

Everyone in my small town knew me, my story, my parent’s, my personality, my mistakes. There was no hiding from who I was.

Overnight, I went from hearing the crickets from my bedroom window to living in a dorm next to women from metropolitan areas, the daughters of investment bankers and ladies who lunch. They carried designer bags, wore heels to class, pledged their allegiance to Greek letters, and fussed about boys.

I felt different and inadequate. I didn’t have a trust fund or a luxury car. And I couldn’t get one. All I could do was slink into the shadows, shift my attention from developing my authentic self to creating a life just like everyone else’s, and blend in.

“I’ve learned that people deeply fear being found out. They fear judgment. They fear being placed in a box. They fear being misunderstood, thought a fool, or offending someone. They’re scared for people to know who they are. So, they say nothing. Then, you know what happens? Nobody knows them. And they don’t know themselves.” -John Flanagan

I could take out credit cards and charge J. Crew clothes!

I could join a sorority and date fraternity boys!

I could abandon relationships with the people of my past!

And I could lose myself completely in it all.

An identity crisis triggered my QLC.

What was I so afraid of, anyway? I mean, how cool is the life I came from and the opportunities it has afforded me. How cool to offer something so different from everyone around me? How fortunate am I to be so unique? And, augh, why does the QLC do such a good job of hiding that value from us?

Spending time with myself, learning who I am, and understanding my strengths and weaknesses, rather than focusing my energy on camouflaging myself because I’m scared to reveal where I came from, what I’ve been through, and who that makes me, is the most productive task I’m undertaking.

Yep. I’ve got issues, for sure. Issues with my parents, issues with men, issues with committment, issues with honesty, issues with money, execution, laziness, indulging, and interrupting people. But, in facing the fear and letting people see an authentic me, there is security. There is strength in knowing both what we have to offer and then offering it. There is fierce love in finding out who we are and then inviting others to do the same.

As Laura reminded us, We Are All Awesome.

It is AWESOME that I had the opportunity to be raised as I was. It is AWESOME that I have my very own, individual priorities, interests, habits, mannerisms, family, friends, tendencies, look, perspective, preferences, and faults. It is AWESOME that I’m different. It is AWESOME to speak up, face the fear, and be found out.

So, find me out. All of it.

[Photo credit: It's A Colorful World]

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Comments (8)

8 Responses to “The Fear of Being Found Out”

  • Michelle Bizon Says:
    April 30th, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    You are so, so, SO right on the money, my dear! I felt this same experience with our snug, little group. How many times did I say I judge myself to be an extremely private introvert, only to be blatantly disagreed with by you and Molly? We bared our souls, but there's a disconnect between our group and wide, wide world. Why is it that I can be forthright with you about how I feel about my life but not so much so with people I see daily? You're exactly right: a fear of being found out — of being deemed inadequate, inept and imperfect.

    I certainly don't have the answers, but I'm glad we can work on figuring it out together! Miss you tons! xoxo

  • Essieteric Says:
    May 1st, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    I'm right with you there. And it's a debilitating fear on some days. Your post touched me to the heart, sweets. "Finding out who I am" …. that's something I really want more than anything in the world. :)

  • Kate Says:
    May 2nd, 2011 at 11:17 am

    Prior to writing for Stratejoy. I was terrified for people to find me out. I mean, my REAL life – past experiences and everything. I was afraid that people would judge me for all of the things I've been through. But the thing is, if we don't put ourselves out there – flaws and all – we aren't allowing ourselves to be REAL to our friends, family, and most importantly, our self.

    I admire the courage it takes to put yourself out there for people to find you out. I know it's not easy, but here's to us being real!

    xoxo

  • deebuzzing Says:
    May 2nd, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    I miss you so terribly much sometimes! Specifically on Wednesday evenings! I know that what made this conversation click for me was having just gone through the experience of our group- I could sense a feeling of much more self-acceptance and love and appreciation for myself after we finished the sessions- leading me to question why I'd had so much fear of being found out before. I have ONE answer for you- you are beyond adequate, more ept than you can imagine, and so PERFECT for me just when I needed you. You offered me so much to chew on and grapple with and I still think of you and your wisdom when I sit down to sort it all out.

  • deebuzzing Says:
    May 2nd, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    FIND HER FIND HER FIND HER! And, as I'm sure you've been told, and I'm sure you're learning just as I am, she's already in there, just waiting for you to embrace. Love.

  • deebuzzing Says:
    May 2nd, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    Here's to it, sista!

    Seriously, I know exactly what you mean- when I found Stratejoy, I was all "WHAT!? These women are so out in the open about who they REALLY are!" And, I was hooked, BAM. And, I admire you more than you know :)

  • Susan Pogorzelski Says:
    May 5th, 2011 at 8:29 am

    I love reading this post, Dee — I love learning about who you are as you embark (and embrace) on this journey. You know what I thought when I read how you grew up? That’s how I want my children to grow up — full of fun, full of peace, full of innocence.

    I grew up in Lancaster, Pa — a suburban neighborhood, but close enough to rural to know exactly what it’s like to play flashlight tag until midnight with the rest of the neighbor kids, to raise chicks over Eastertime as part of a lesson in church, to accompany my parents when they sold antiques at flea markets. You know what I felt when I read your words? Calm. Nostalgic. Happiness. And grateful that I had the experiences that I had as well.

    You may wish to have been able to take weekend trips to Mexico on a whim or to own designer clothes (and have places to wear them), but the truth is, that would have changed your story, and your story is your story, it’s what makes you who you are and all the more beautiful for it.

    Love this post, thanks for sharing a part of yourself, thanks for sharing your journey.

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    May 18th, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    You are so amazing and beautiful because you are you. I am on a journey to figure out my life, for me. I am one of those people that has continually defined myself by my relationship to others. Am I the best wife? Am I the best sister? Am I the best daughter, student, etc. What about being the best me? Its all a work in progress.

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