The Presets of Parenthood

posted 12th April 2011    Written by: Amanda    CATEGORY: All Posts, Amanda, Family, Season 4

The question of material maternity has been plaguing me lately.

I sat down with a friend of mine the other day and talked about babies and their “stuff”. Friends of hers were getting rid of their toddler’s baby stuff and were looking to pass it on to another young family. Mike and I are completely hopeless and just sort of stared at our friend with wide eyes and slightly gaped mouths.

“We have no idea what we need outside of food, diapers, clothing, and a place for our baby to sleep and rest between snuggles.”

It’s starting to feel like shopping for baby is like shopping for a new car. Will we get the sensible and affordable four-door sedan, no bells and whistles? Will we be getting the hopped-up-on-vehicle-steroids SUV with all the fixin’s? Or will we stick to what we’ve got and supplement with bicycles and ZipCar?

So far, we’ve got a crib, a few onesies, and some diapers/wipes. We’ve even got a couple of decorations for ZomBaby’s room. But outside of that, we’re clueless. It’s not that we haven’t started asking these questions. We’ve researched. We’ve asked around. We’ve poked around MetaFilter for answers (most of which were incredibly insightful and useful — hooray for MetaFilter!).

I’ve determined that I am, in fact, a pouch mama (unless this baby is really big, in which case I’ll have to reconsider my stance). I like the thought of decorating the baby’s room with robots. I want to create an atmosphere of health and happiness within the nursery.

I don’t want to be inundated with… stuff, especially stuff that we don’t need. Stuff like an abundance of toys that won’t get used. Or large strollers. Or an excess of clothing that our baby will grow out of just as quickly as he grows into them.

That’s as far as I’ve gotten with my exploration into the world of babyland.

I feel like that makes me a bad mama-to-be. I’ve been sitting here focusing my time and energy on building my biznez (and a new one on the way) that I’ve been pushing thoughts of baby to the back-burner. Sure, I think about the little guy all the time — I’m constantly rubbing my belly and talking to him — but as far as preparation is concerned, I’m not committed.

I’m committed to this little family of ours, I really am, but I can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with the way I’m tackling mamahood. Shouldn’t I be overjoyed when people ask me about the baby, instead of meeting their inquiries with barbs and snide remarks about him having dance parties late at night? Shouldn’t I want to go into baby stores and stare at baby clothes?

And there I go again, shoulding all over the place.

Expectations are a bitch to deal with, especially when you’re brand new to an entire culture of parenthood. I have these preconceived notions of what a mother is, what a father is, what parenting looks like, and what I want for my own children based on these presets. It’s not easy to override these presets with new ones.

… so what now? Do I try to override them now? Do I try to settle in and figure this shit out when the baby comes?

This is the worst game of twenty questions ever.

Photo by guruant.

Bookmark and Share
Comments (11)

11 Responses to “The Presets of Parenthood”

  • Tiffany Says:
    April 12th, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Not wanting to be overwhelmed with baby "stuff" does not make you a bad parent. I think it makes you really smart. Like the wedding industry, the baby stuff industry preys on your emotions to get you to buy as much as possible – and most of it you probably don't need. Here's another view from young, self-employed parents who feel the same way:
    http://www.younghouselove.com/2010/09/save-it-the…

  • Abby B Says:
    April 12th, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Being a new mom is terrifying. Trust your gut and do what is right for you and your family, not what society and others think is right. What works for one family is a disaster for another family. I am a step-mom and while I've never been pregnant I did have to prepare my home for my then 4-year old stepson. I had no idea what I was doing and I literally made it up as I went by trusting my gut and talking with my husband.

  • ClareLouise Says:
    April 12th, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Reminds me of the one and only baby shower I ever went to. It was basically 3 hours of gift opening. I'd never even heard of the names they give some of this stuff! Talk about overwhelming. It made me wonder how people ever had babies without this stuff and what the hell am I supposed to do, because hell no I am not filling my home with all this shit! I think consumerism has taken over the baby industry, and it's scary! Let's boycott!

  • Thekla Richter Says:
    April 12th, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    I agree that you don't need anything beyond the essentials you listed except a carseat if your baby is being driven home. Other things are for convenience or enjoyment. Do note though that up to a point, convenience is huge for a parent because time and energy are at a premium. If I were to suggest a few non-essential items that were hugely helpful in the newborn phase they were: a Moby wrap, a baby swing (to grab a few baby-free minutes for the bathroom) and some Swaddleme swaddles. These were more than worth their cost and got heavy use. But maybe that's because our little one was (and is) such a dicey sleeper and wanted to be held all the time. Which we were mostly more than okay with, but getting those tiny little breaks was kind of key for doing good self-care.

    Thing is, it'll all work out regardless of what you do or don't buy. What he needs most is YOU, and he'll have that :)

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    April 12th, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    I think carving out what is best for your baby means paying attention to what's best for you. A good friend of mine was presented with an entirely SURPRISE baby about 2 years ago. She was using protection in a casual relationship, but protection is only 99.9% effective. Anyway, the baby's father wanted nothing to do with it, and K was on a limited budget. So, she carved out her own perfect baby world by shopping at thrift stores and crafting some items. It worked for her and baby J had no idea his clothes weren't off the Baby Gap designer rack. One thing I can recommend, be sure you have some clothes on hand in all sizes from newborn to 12 months. I know several friends who have had babies who never fit in newborn sized clothes.

  • amandafarough Says:
    April 12th, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    I honestly don't think ZomBaby will be newborn sized. He's already ENORMOUS. Good points, though. Appreciated this. <3

  • amandafarough Says:
    April 12th, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    Thanks for the suggestions, Thekla! See, this is why I post shit like this on Stratejoy: I know you savvy mamas will help me through this. MWAH. <3

  • amandafarough Says:
    April 12th, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    YES. Like Tiffany said, it's the same thing with the wedding industry. The minute you say, "WEDDING" or "BABY", the industries go insane, trying to tell you that you NEED fresh flowers from expensive florists or you NEED to go cloth diaper or whatevs.

    Sick of being pressured, m'dear. Time to boycott, indeed.

  • amandafarough Says:
    April 12th, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    I'm a big fan of pantsing it in life: go with it and hope for the best. We'll see if it works with baby-having!

  • amandafarough Says:
    April 12th, 2011 at 10:31 pm

    Thank you, Tiffany. Brilliant read. I'd be more of a fan of cloth diapers if I had confidence in my ability to utilize them without… gagging? Maybe I'm just too terrified to try that right out of the gate. But thank you. Seriously.

  • Sally Says:
    April 13th, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Maybe it's that I'm a bit older (friends and I are mostly 30 or a little older) or the particular crowd that I hang with, but for the most part, my friends who are having babies are not about the stuff. The ones who get sucked into that for a while desperately want to dig out of it because they get overwhelmed by their own possessions. You have to find your place in the middle of all of that (of course you do have some needs), but maybe seeking out some mom groups in your community would lead you to one or more where the emphasis is on holistic living, not just stuff?

    Also, many places have KinderMarts (by various names) where parents gather to sell used baby stuff, and most of my friends tend to buy the bulk of their stuff there . . . despite being able to afford all new if they wanted. What's the point, most of the time, when your baby will outgrow it in three months?

Leave a Reply

name*


email* (will not be published)


website


comments