Will it ever be enough?

posted 8th April 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Katharine, Quarterlife Crisis, Travel/Adventure

I’ve been living in Prague for three weeks now, but I feel like my life is still the same.  Except, it’s not.  But, it kind of is.

Truth is, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything big in my life right now.  I know, I moved.  To another continent, across bodies of water, and to one of the most gorgeous cities in the world.  And I’m taking this TEFL program and busting my ass to get certified, and I’m meeting some amazing people and creating wonderful friendships, but I still feel empty inside.  I still feel like my life isn’t amounting to anything spectacular.

I want to do big, bold, gutsy things in life, but I don’t know what those things are, and I don’t know what defines them as being big, bold, and gutsy.  Some people consider moving to a new country gutsy.  One month ago, I thought it was, but now that I’m here, I feel like this isn’t enough.  The hardest part was getting here.  Now that I’m here, I’m craving something else.  Something bigger.  Does it get any bigger than this? And if so, how can I get there?

I made a commitment to get certified to teach English as a foreign language, and I’m now one week away from completing that goal.  I’ve spent the last three weeks planning lessons, studying grammar, and learning the skills it takes to be an effective English teacher.  I’ve stayed up nearly every night until 2 or 3AM working on lesson plans or grammar presentations because I want to be completely prepared the next day.  I love the intensity that goes with this TEFL certification, but I’m terrified that I’m going to fail at teaching English.

Deep down inside, I have this hidden fear that I’ll never be happy.  I’m afraid that I’m going to spend my lifetime searching for a happiness that doesn’t exist or will never be found.  I constantly have this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don’t know how to fill it.

TWSS?

(sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)

I want to be one of those people who is brave enough to live the kind of life they’ve always dreamed of, but I’m terrified of failing.  Again.  I’m terrified of spending the next five years of my life living abroad, traveling the world, and having nothing to show for it.

My emotional demons are crippling me from living the best life I possibly could. I’m struggling with accepting my past and moving on with my future.  I’m struggling with feeling like I’m not good enough to do amazing things in life because I’ve failed at so many things already.  I don’t know how to reclaim a life so beaten, tattered and torn that it simply can’t be fixed.

Will I ever be enough?

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Comments (15)

15 Responses to “Will it ever be enough?”

  • Sam Says:
    April 8th, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Oh Katharine, I totally understand what you're going through. Even though I know I should be happy, I'm not. There feels like there's something missing, and I'm not sure what it is. I know that I want to do something more with my life, especially career-wise, but I don't know what my "dream job" would be.

    Maybe you'll find what you're looking for when you least expect it, when you stop worrying about whether what you have is enough, and just enjoy it. Regardless, don't feel bad for moving across the world and still not being satisfied. Life is too short to settle for good, we have to find great. Somehow, I know you will.

  • Mallory Says:
    April 8th, 2011 at 9:54 am

    You are good enough, because you have failed. Failing is so important to achieving aweseomeness. I also want you to know that you are good enough right this moment, your life has meaning right this moment, and you are living big, bold and gutsy right this moment.

    I can absolutely relate to having a bit of fear that you'll never be satisfied and happy. I moved through a succession of jobs and interests that I thought were my ideal, until I did them and realized it wasn't exactly right. It's certainly not easy being the Godilocks of your life, but I think it will pay off in the end.

    Isn't it better to try, fail, change, try again and at some point succeed beyond belief, than take an ambivalent, easy path?

    And remember that you are already brave and fantastic for having the courage to share these fears and concerns, which has improved my day by reminding me that there are others out there struggling like me:)

  • Katherine Says:
    April 8th, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    I read this post by Molly back in January when I was deep in the throws of my QLC. (I'm bringing myself slowly back to life now….one baby step at a time….)
    http://www.stratejoy.com/2010/07/self-love-i-am-e…

    That post changed so much for me. I've spent my career working at shelters for survivors of abuse, working in government as a foster care worker ….and this topic of "good enough" came up often with clients of mine. I've always told my clients they were enough simply because they are beautiful, strong women born on this planet. For that alone. They deserved good and always are "enough".

    It wasn't until I was deep in depression and completely lost – finding my way to this site, that I saw this post for Molly. I realized despite what I'd told countless women before me, when it came to myself and clawing my way out of much darkness…..I didn't really always believe that about me. I wrote my own manifesto the day I came across Molly's article. I talked to myself like I'd talk to a friend.

    There are sooooo many days I still have doubts and fears and I slip back to wondering if I'm enough. I struggle to make my life shiney and my own. On these days I sit down and I read my manifesto to myself all over again……I remember I'm absolutely going to get wherever I want to end up (even if I don't exactly know all the places I want to be just yet). My manifesto reminds me that all the great parts of me and all the bad ones too, make up the "whole" me. . .

    . . . and just because I'm me, and just because I was born, a lovely lady on this crazy earth I deserve it all.

    and I know you do too! Check out Molly's post! And maybe try writing your own manifesto and reading it to yourself whenever you need an extra little bit of self love!

    <3

  • loveMEfiercely Says:
    April 8th, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    I echo what the ladies above are saying. And I would argue that your emotional demons aren't crippling you from living your best life, but instead blocking you from seeing that you already are. Living is an ever-moving verb. It does not start somewhere in the future. So every brave step you're taking now is part of your comprehensive best life. For what it's worth, I think your changes most definitely fall in the categories of big, bold and gutsy.

  • G Says:
    April 9th, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    it’s corny but I will quote a movie….”there is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path”……..you have always been brave enough and strong enough….and yes, you have failed, but that is what makes you strong enough today, it is what makes you the person you are, the person you should be proud of…..don’t be scared about the possibility of greatness or trying and failing….be scared about never trying..be scared about always talking to your friends about “what if”…..your life isn’t beaten and tattered, it is simply tried and tested….don’t reclaim your past, embrace your future with both hands, tightly, hopefully……….

  • Kate Says:
    April 10th, 2011 at 1:43 am

    Maybe it's true – 'you'll find it when you least expect it.' Maybe if I stop looking for happiness, it will just…. happen. I guess it's tough not to look for it, not to want it when a big purpose of being here is to find it.

  • Kate Says:
    April 10th, 2011 at 1:45 am

    Thank you, Mallory, for the words of inspiration. I'm really trying to not look at my life as a big failure, but it's always so hard to accept our accomplishments than it is to accept our failures.

    And I do agree, it's better to try, fail, change, and try again than it is to settle and take the easy path. I'm sure most people wouldn't be bold enough to move halfway around the world.

  • Kate Says:
    April 10th, 2011 at 1:46 am

    Thank you, Katherine! I have read that post of Molly's – read it again, too – and I'm going to really try to tell myself that I AM ENOUGH, every day.

    Thank you so, so much for this wonderful bit of inspiration!

  • Kate Says:
    April 10th, 2011 at 1:47 am

    Thank you for the wonderful words. I guess I am big, bold, and gutsy for having the courage to move halfway around the world, to not settle for an average life in the States, and to have the passion and determination to live life on my own terms.

    Thank you for the inspiration and for believing in me. This is why I love the Stratejoy tribe.

  • Kate Says:
    April 10th, 2011 at 1:51 am

    You're right, it's about trying and failing, than never trying at all. I suppose hindsight is 50/50 though. It's always easy to notice the failures than the accomplishments, and the fact that just moving here makes my life big, bold, and gutsy.

    You're ever so wise, Yoda!

  • Theromanticrealist Says:
    April 10th, 2011 at 6:37 am

    My least favorite cliche ever "wherever ou go, there you are.". I hate it because it is obvious that we need to work on what is on the inside before we can expect external influences to enhance our mental states.

    I have a similar dilemma right now. I am unhappy with where I live and I feel ready to try a new career (I currently teach) but I too am afraid of making a change that leads to failure. But we need to remember that NOT making changes is failing as well. If you're going to paint a picture about the future then make it a good one.

    When asked where I want be in five, ten years, my answer is CONTENT. But people like us needs to stop searching for happiness and instead just find the happiness within our current moment. We can not live in the future so who cares if it is full of wondrous amazement, what matters is now.

    You've made a gutsy move to Prague. Now revel in it. You're reaching goals you set for yourself (which most people aspire to do..but don't) so go out and celebrate that you do things you say you will. You haven't failed at this. Live in the moment.

    And now I'm off to go preach my advice to myself.

  • Kate Says:
    April 10th, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Thanks for the inspiration and words of advice here. I often forget that I live in Prague (I know, hard to believe, but I've been so incredibly busy with my TEFL class…) and that the act of moving out of the country was one step to making my dreams come true. The fact that I made that bold move and had the courage to do so should speak for itself. I know I definitely need to live in the moment more – and perhaps that's something I'm going to work on as soon as my course is done – but lately I feel like I've been stuck in this rut, and I'm having a hard time trying to get out of it.

    I mean, I'm IN PRAGUE, and I should be incredibly happy…. but I'm just finding it really difficult to know what happiness is. At least for right now.

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    April 10th, 2011 at 11:19 am

    You are enough…because you're still going through your life. You still want to make a difference and do those big, bold, gusty things. Maybe the problem is that you're trying to reclaim the old life. Instead, maybe you need to collect the pieces of your old life that are still true to the person you want to be, get some new fabric and start sewing it all together to create a patchwork quilt that is the new Katherine, right now, at this time. It takes time. I hit rock bottom at the end of my college career. Nothing felt right, I was miserable. I was dating people that treated me like crap. I purposely took two years to myself, didn't date anyone, and just started asking myself the tough questions. Who did I want to be? It took me a long time to sort out what I wanted from the rest of the world wanted for me. Slowly, I started to carve out the new me. Now, 6 years after hitting that place, I am just now starting to really love my life. Its still a work in progress, but I am living for me.

    .

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    April 10th, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Give yourself the gift of time. Just wake up everyday and find one thing to be grateful for. Find one thing about you that you like. Tell yourself you are enough. If you keep living with purpose. Setting out each day to make that day a bit better than the past, to take another step towards that big picture Kate, sew one more square on the quilt. It will come together.

    In the meantime, if you need a friend….reach out. I'm always here

  • Kate Says:
    April 10th, 2011 at 11:54 am

    Thanks, Erin, for the kind words and inspiration. You're totally right, I need to stop trying to reclaim my old life, and work towards creating a NEW life, full of passion, intention, love, and appreciation. I never really thought about that until now — how it's not about reclaiming the old life, but it's about getting something new… and getting my life to that new, fresh start that I've been looking for. A place that makes me smile and I can fall passionately in love with.

    Thank you, for telling me this. I certainly needed to hear it, and it certainly gave me the swift kick in the ass that I've been looking for! :)

    xoxo

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