Confession: I’m Directionally Challenged

posted 3rd May 2011    Written by: Laura    CATEGORY: All Posts, Laura, Season 4, What I've Learned

Life is a journey along a continuous road. A series of steps, twists, turns, bumps, and lane changes; all strung together.

These last couple of months, my road feels a little bit like the New Jersey Turnpike, where I once drove in complete circles for an hour. Do you ever go through those phases, where you know the destination and what it looks like, but your damn GPS keeps messing up and sending you down some side street, or veering off onto the wrong ramp? It sucks.

But rather than feel disappointed about this directionally challenged phase I’m in, let’s simply look at where I am. Let’s try to embrace it. Because that’s at least half the battle, isn’t it?

1. I’m digging for an encouraging, rather than hateful, attitude toward my recent lack of physical activity.

For six entire weeks I might have exercised a total of two times, maybe. What makes this so tragic is that I’m one of those people who is uber sensitive to my physical health (and uber aware of it, making it quite a beast). I get it from my Dad, who’s been exercising consistently since he was like 13 years old, for the exact same reason I should be, too. My disposition, my sleep patterns, my patience, my energy, my sex drive, my concentration – they are all directly related to my level of physical activity. I stop exercising, even for a few days, and they all go totally down the tubes. And I mean TOTALLY.

So, one can only imagine how miserable a person like this might be if they dared go six weeks without exercising, yes? The trick now is to be gentle, and encourage myself to get going, without pressure, performance expectations or punishment. Self loathing does not inspire change. I’ve tried, and it does not.

2.  I’m trying to accept that starting a business and then sharing it with someone less than a year later is quite challenging.

I’m realizing that planning something in theory is much easier then putting it into practice. (Duh.) There’s a reason so many start ups die. There’s a reason so many partnerships fizzle out. There’s a reason so many successful business people are sharks. Pushing through the common experience in order to come out the other side in an uncommon way takes a lot of work. More than most people are willing to invest, I would argue.

I’m also discovering that I have more ownership over the vision and health of my business than I expected. I never viewed it as my life-saving raft until I thought about what it might mean to watch it deflate. But a pivotal conversation with Molly helped me realize that I can endeavour to make that a strength – “I’m passionate and business savvy, with insights to share” - instead of a weakness - “I’m a control freak who can’t share or collaborate with others”.

I’m struggling with this new world order of what it means to go from being a consulting business of one person to a consulting business of three people, but the term “growing pains” exists for a reason. Pushing yourself can sometimes make you want to retreat under the covers. In order to reap the benefits, you’ve got to stick it out. So, here I am, sticking.

3. I’m struggling to spend my time on the right things. Really struggling.

What do I want to be making time for?

Running. Working out at the beautiful, brand new fitness centre up the street that I just got a membership to. Finishing my six-month business plan with my new colleagues. Working my way through a book proposal, as one of my commitments to you guys. And in doing so, giving some consideration to my online presence and to how I could be blogging and tweeting in a way that aligns with the thoughts I want to share with the world. Reading more of the stack of books sitting on my night table, including two that I know - I know! – will give me some juicy epiphanies. Finishing the scrapbook I started five months ago.

And among the most important: I want to be finishing The Joy Equation. I signed up at the beginning of April and made it through the first week enthusiastically. Then I stalled.

I don’t think I’ve ever really self-sabotaged before, but that’s a little bit what this feels like. That’s scary, isn’t it? Isn’t sabotage something that’s reserved for the darkest times, feelings and people among us? If I know what I want to be doing and where I want to be investing, what’s stopping me?

4. I’m enjoying planning my wedding, but maybe not enough.

I have a vision I love, a plan for how to realize it, and I’ve made a fair bit of progress, if I do say so myself. Like I do with almost everything else, I’ve readied myself to accomplish this entire DIY-wedding on my own. I can do it, single handedly, without relying on others. I’ve prioritized the To Dos, have committed to not getting frenzied or crazy, and I feel confident and focused.

What I don’t have enough of are warm, fuzzy feelings and the inclusion of all my important people in creating that vision. Because, you see, this isn’t a project. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime, super duper special experience. IT’S MY WEDDING. It’s supposed to be fun, giggly, soft, squishy, memorable. Life is not all business, all the time, FYI. And this is one time where it’s really, really, really important to sloooow doooown and, you know, feel stuff. Gulp.

Even just acknowledging that, and confessing to you that I’m going about it all wrong, makes me so uncomfortable I need to rest my case there. (And just when I thought I was making progress and learning to be more emotional and less bulldozer-like….Sigh.)

So, there it is. I glimpse into the life of a directionally challenged gal. Insight, suggestions and I’ve-been-theres are welcome.

{Photo credit: My 2009 visit to San Francisco; Lombard Street, the crookedest street in the world)

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Comments (4)

4 Responses to “Confession: I’m Directionally Challenged”

  • Julie Says:
    May 5th, 2011 at 4:43 am

    You probably won't be surprised to hear me say : I feel you!
    Lack of working out while being someone who needs it, yes! Realizing it's WAY easier to plan for something than to do it for real : yes! Not spending my time on the things I REALLY want to do (yoga, walking, running, working on workshops and training programs I want to develop around my blog and business) : yes! Feeling overwhelmed with projects and feeling the need to just be, feel things and live casually without an hamster running in my head : yes! Being passionate and wanting things to happen RIGHT NOW and MY WAY? Yes! Not having enough time and energy to work on the wedding (which is in 2 months or so) : yes! yes! yes! Maybe we just bite on a little bit more than we can actually chew. Maybe we just have to much of an idea factory in our brain. Maybe we are just intense and passionate and life loving. Maybe we just want to live fully and up to our full potential. I'm pretty sure it's no bad thing. Our attitude is key (I work on accepting this is the life I need and the rhythm I chose) as well as building a support system and a team to help make this vision come true. 'Cause we can't do it alone. Oh and this is my new favorite metaphor (free translation style) : You can it an elephant, but only in slices. xoxo

  • Big L Says:
    May 5th, 2011 at 7:24 am

    I ADORE YOU! Thank you for commenting! Thank you for being my soul sister! And thank you for that amusing metaphor! xxoo

  • Julie Says:
    May 6th, 2011 at 5:22 am

    I guess you understood that I meant *eat and not *it, right?

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    May 18th, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    I am totally right here with you. I am trying to build my freelance presence, branch out from what I am doing now to take one more exciting projects. Instead, I am just feeling stalled. I want to sell crochet baby toys, and I haven't picked up a hook in days. I'm sick, but feel guilty taking the time my body needs to rest. I recently committed myself to getting fit by 30, but feel I am making no progress. I will find a way to shake it all off, but some days its just difficult.

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