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Five Big Opinions About Marriage

posted 29th June 2011    Written by: Laura    CATEGORY: Laura, Love/Relationships, Season 4

I’ve been mulling over writing a post about marriage since I was first chosen as a Season 4 blogger. My parents divorced when I was 14, my Mom has since divorced again, I have a newly-divorced BFF, Hunny and I were together for 10 years before getting engaged last November, and Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed was a recent beach read of choice.

In a nutshell, I’ve spent more than my fair share of time thinking about this topic and I would be doing the Stratejoy tribe a disservice if I conveniently skimmed over it.

While I could probably write a series of posts about marriage, for now, I’ve summarized 15 years of thinking into a Top Five list. These are the pillars of my perspective, if you will.

Here we go:

1. A wedding does not make a marriage.

I’m with the lovely Amanda on this one: the cocktail party isn’t the point. So often, weddings – and people’s reasons for wanting to get married – miss the mark. Millions of people out there bicker about orchids, wine menus and dress necklines, as if they’re factors in a loving, long term relationship. This loss of perspective is so contrary to how I want to live my life that, for 10 years, my reservations about weddings held me back from wanting to be married.

That may or may not have been right. But here’s what I discovered: in waiting until my heart desired a marriage, my ego no longer needed a wedding.

Couples shouldn’t need a legal document to tell them how to take care of each another. The focus all along should be on cultivating the love, understanding, patience, commitment, laughter, intimacy, and fun that make a marriage. Weddings – at both their simplest and most significant – are a one-day celebration and expression of that.

2. Marriage is not hard work, a life with meaning is.

“Marriage is hard work. I don’t foresee much benefit being returned to me for all of the effort that would be required. Therefore, I will not get married.”

There are plenty of people who believe in this line of thinking – or at least, one similar to it. I recently came across one such person, who blogged about marriage being overrated, and I surprised myself by getting really fired up about it. This is my uncensored response:

If you think avoiding marriage is protecting you from investing a shit tonne of effort in another person, you’re wrong. Any relationship between two souls is hard work.

I can think of oodles of times when I invested “marriage-like effort” in a relationship with someone else. I’ve compromised, trusted, done favours for, made sacrifices for, supported, encouraged, accepted faults, forgiven mistakes, been hurt by comments and actions, cried, argued, bit my tongue about annoyances, and looked past imperfections. Haven’t you? For your parents, siblings or best friends?

The simple truth is that interpersonal relationships bring meaning to our lives. Marriage is simply one label for one of those relationships. Avoiding the label doesn’t avoid the effort behind it.

Besides, being in love with another person inevitably means you’ll be willing to invest the effort required to share your life with them, whether you’re married or not.

3. Avoiding legal marriage does not mean you avoid heartache, or hassel.

If you are in love with someone, breaking up is going to suck the big one, whether you’re legally married or not. If you live together, bought anything together, share children, hobbies, pets or friends, are legally considered common law, or made any long term plans, breaking up will hurt. It will also be a nuisance.

Sure, dissolving a legal marriage adds a few additional layers and more paperwork, but compared to the knock-you-on-your-ass amount of pain that is likely to exist anyway, its not all that significant.

4. Fearing divorce doesn’t prevent it from happening.

Life is full of curve balls, don’t you think? Job losses, opportunities, surprise pregnancies, illnesses, temptations, windfalls, tragedies, and so much more. All of those things can affect a couple’s ability to stand united, find intimate connection, and sustain their love. Can anyone guarantee that their relationship can withstand each and every possible curve ball? I don’t think so. I won’t guarantee that Hunny and I can, but that uncertainty doesn’t scare me.

Why waste time thinking about how to avoid divorce from becoming a possibility? Its way more rewarding to love someone with your whole heart during the time you do have together – whether its a few years or a lifetime.

5. Legal marriage is old school, but that doesn’t mean its useless.

Sure, I see a pile of flaws in the institution of marriage. I hate that additional legitimacy and legal rights are offered to married couples, over non-married couples. I can’t stand the “50-50 rule” of divorce and think it’s beyond outdated. I believe that human imperfection can sometimes lead two people to stop loving each other as well as they should, before death does them part. And, I’m pretty sure that having one sexual partner for decades at a time is a societal norm that is becoming less desirable and relevant with each generation.

But at the end of the day, avoiding the paperwork doesn’t give it less power. In many ways, it gives it more.

Pretending my relationship doesn’t have the qualities of a marriage, when it does, isn’t fair. Not giving my loved ones the opportunity to give us our blessing would be robbing them of something. Not to mention, making Hunny feel that he’s not worthy of being my husband, or I his wife, is a bit of a slap in the face.

Because the reality is, those terms are special and the union they represent is meaningful. Our society is a long, long way from rendering legal marriage useless. So just like accepting the bad and the good in people, I accept the bad and the good of the institution. After all, nothing’s perfect.

{Photo credit}

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The Home Stretch: A Meditation on Youth

posted 28th June 2011    Written by: Amanda    CATEGORY: All Posts, Amanda, Family, Season 4

As I write this, I’m two weeks away from my due date of July 3rd. Little ZomBaby has a makeshift nursery set up in our bedroom, complete with comfy seating for me and ample snuggle space with his daddy. I’ve watched my life transform from video games and gadgetry to Bumbos and baby clothes. Nothing’s been replaced. The additions have been comfortable (so far).

My nights are getting shorter; the mornings are early and sleep doesn’t come easily to a woman with swollen feet and aching muscles. When I was younger, my muscles ached from organized sports. I’m closing in on twenty-five and the muscle pain is from being a little top heavy.

Behind me, there was a lot of broken — broken dreams, broken hearts, broken promises. Beckoning to me, there is a world of promise — promises of love, fulfillment, and success.

Mike and I had a deep discussion last night about youth and what it meant to each of us growing up. Mike has always had this incredible youthfulness that he wears as a badge of honour. He’s responsible and mature where it counts (our finances, etc.) but is playful and whimsical the rest of the time. It was one of the things that really drew me to him six years ago. Until we met, I was very serious. Playful at times, but usually very serious.

I worked hard. I rarely enjoyed my life. It was one big drama after another with me, which may or may not have been related to my eighteen-year-old disposition.

I had to grow up fast. My mama — this incredible woman with an incredibly warm heart — has been chronically ill for the entirety of my life; my family needed me to step up, even if no one asked. I wanted to ease the burden on my parents as best as I could. I made breakfast for my brother when we were small. I got my first job babysitting at eleven so that if I wanted to get something special, I wouldn’t have to ask my parents for it; it was important that the money went to medication, groceries, and my brother. My self sufficiency and fierce independence was the product of that “grow up fast” mentality.

So when Mike and I had our discussion about youth, I realized that I had spent most of my life avoiding youth. Avoiding playful and wonder and whimsy, just so I could make ends meet or so I could ease the burdens of family (even friends).

I wept. I hadn’t realized it before… but I was starting to feel the bowers of my life closing in.

What if this youthfulness was lost to me entirely?

Mike disagreed.

We would reimagine youthfulness and experience it through the eyes of our child. As he grew and wondered and played, we would grow with him. We play and see the world through his young eyes.

So while we’re on the home stretch — the final weeks of my pregnancy — I’m finding myself more and more at peace with motherhood. With parenthood. With childhood.

I’m grateful, as always, for this moment. These handful of moments, really.

Image is my own.

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Relief From “Right Now”

posted 25th June 2011    Written by: Dee    CATEGORY: All Posts, Dee, Season 4, Tips & Tools, Travel/Adventure

 

Miss me?

I’ve been on hiatus. I had a moment. A moment where I needed to step back from the internet, rethink, redirect, regroup, you know? I’ve been visiting family, attending weddings, trying to graduate, and sculpting my best life. I’ve been watching time fly by and comtemplating the weight on my shoulders- where is it coming from?

While I’ve been gone from Stratejoy world, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can stop my life from feeling like such a flurry, from feeling so all-over-the-place. My life has a real lack of focus right now.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I feel extreme pressure to be everything, do everything, see everything, and feel everything. Because life has so much! I don’t wanna miss a thang…

I want to run wild, live freely, and take it all in. I wanna travel everywhere, to get up early and watch the sunrise, to stay up late and chat under the stars, to eat deliciously, to love deeply, to have time alone, time with everyone I love, see every movie, read every book, study every subject. I want structure and flexibility simultaneously. I want everything it all, all at once. It weighs me down; the pressure to do it all right now weighs me down. And, I’m about to lose it if something doesn’t change.

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens.” -Ecclesiastes 3:1

The problem is, the problem I’m having and realizing, is that sometimes all the things we want contrast. They can’t possibly agree. Things just won’t all fit at once.

For instance, an immediate goal of mine is to complete a half marathon in November. This will require months of diligent training, focused exercise, an organized diet, and healthy sleep patterns. Am I willing to give up late nights on patios with friends, meals out, happy hours, spontaneity, and flexibility? I don’t know. It’s a tough call. Why can’t I have both?

Right now I want to make more money. I want more money so badly. Even an extra $100 per week would decrease my stress levels immensely. But, I also want to make really awesome grades and dedicate plenty of time to my projects and homework. When would I have time for an extra job? There aren’t enough hours in the day to devote to the things I want so badly.

I want to travel. I want to plan weekends away visiting friends, celebrating milestones, and knocking items off of my endless to-see list. But, I also relish weekends at home; Saturdays at my local coffee shop followed by a big nap, and Sundays at the farmer’s market after brunch with my girls. I can’t have both.

No matter what I do, I feel like I’m missing out. With all the talk in our culture about how fleeting life is, how little time we really have, there is so much expectation to make the most of every second. Do you feel it, too?

I simply must decide what this season of life will be. Is this my season for early mornings running on the trail, and weekends at home? Is this the season for travel and excitement? Is this the season for concentrated schoolwork?  One thing is for sure: It can’t all happen right now. This is a realization packed with both disappointment and relief. There are choices to be made. But, what we can’t do right now, maybe we can save for another season. It doesn’t have to be lost just because it doesn’t fit right now.

I’ve learned from Molly that deep happiness and being truly content is about quieting down, slowing the flurry, and listening to our inner voice; she’ll tell us what we need. She’ll tell us what season we’re in.

I’ve got some listening to do…

I’m a Stratejoy girl, which means I dream big, think broadly, and live boldly. I know my potential. Sometimes it’s a burden. Waaa, Waaaa, I know. But, honestly, does all the possibility ever weigh you down, too?

[photo credit: We Heart It]

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Video Blog: Live Your Best Life

posted 24th June 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Creativity, Inspiration, Katharine, Season 4

“Live your best life,” she told me, as I detailed my adventures of traveling around the world searching for happiness.

We met in a cafe in Wenceslas Square in Prague.  She was backpacking through Central Europe with her husband, and I was working on a lesson plan for my class.  We exchanged stories of why we came to Prague and what our next adventure is going to be.

Live your best life.

Simple, yet so, so complicated.  Because what exactly can I do to live my best life?  How can I make each day count?

Nicole wrote her personal manifesto, The Life Less Bullshit, and so did Katie.  I have to be honest, I loved both of them.  So much that it prompted me to write my own personal manifesto.

So, I did.

The wonderful Amanda raised the bar this season with her own video blog, talking about what makes her terrified.  Molly then challenged the rest of us Season 4 bloggers to match it.  I hate being on camera and in the spotlight, but this season for me has been all about breaking out of my comfort zone (like going skydiving in Australia!), so I decided to continue with this trend by video blogging.

I’ve never done this before, so please be kind and don’t judge me.

Live your best life.

(in case you’re wondering, the song is a cover of Pink’s ‘Less Than Perfect.’).

 

 

{photo credit: taken of the Sydney Harbour at sunset}

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Gender Fears.

posted 22nd June 2011    Written by: Bri    CATEGORY: All Posts, Bri, Family

Today I find out if Baby A is a boy or a girl.

My life has never stood to be so drastically influenced by a single moment.  Boy or Girl.  This is it.

If it’s a boy, I will be excited about the dirt and football and bugs and mess.*  I can picture him getting super obsessed about something like cars or bugs or dinosaurs.  I hear that little boys love their mamas specially; my heart hurts thinking about it.  Our son will grow up learning from Mr. A what it means to be a man and I couldn’t have dreamed up a better teacher.  There are some truly great things about boys.

But, how do I make sure he is kind and good?  How will I know he won’t bully the gay kid at school to look cool in front of his friends?  What will I do to make sure he never takes advantage of a girl?  How do you make sure your kid doesn’t grow up to be a binge drinking meat hear misogynist?  Boys are kind of scary.

If it’s a girl, I will be stoked about the dresses and the tutus and the tea parties.  In my head we will be like Lorelai and Rory when she’s older, with a psychic connection and professional level banter.  I can hear my house being filled with girly giggling and sleepovers.  Most of all, I can see how she’ll love her Daddy and how he will be wrapped around her finger.  She will have a strong sense of self-worth because her Dad is going to show her just how much love and respect she deserves.  A little princess could be amazing.

But what about body image and raising a girl in this society that does everything it can to make women feel imperfect and less-than.  How will I make sure she’s feel comfortable in her own skin?  How can I guarantee that she won’t starve herself to achieve a wafer-thin frame that is just not in her genetic cards?  How do I make sure that she never feels the need to use her body to receive validation and love?

Excitement and anxiety?  Sounds like I’m a Mama already.

Bonus question: Do you think Baby A is a girl or a boy?!

*I have a Masters degree in the Sociology of Gender.  I am fully aware of the social construction of gender (Boy: sports and rough housing Vs. Girls: ballet and fairy tales), but let me tell you.. as my first baby is arriving and I know NOTHING about parenting I can’t help thinking in cliches.  Please keep the hate mail to a minimum. My daughter can LOVE sports and bugs and my son can LOVE babydolls and glitter.

Image Credit

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