“I am my Hair” or “A Repose in Womanhood”

posted 14th June 2011    Written by: Amanda    CATEGORY: All Posts, Amanda, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Season 4

Elle Canada ran an article in their June 2011 issue about cheating men. Normally, this is the sort of article that I would idly flip through and smile to myself, reassured in my relationship. It’s not that Mike is the perfect husband (’cause he ain’t). It’s that Mike is honest, almost to a fault. When he’s unhappy, I’m the first to know; the same goes for any other emotion or need.

Seriously. Asymmetrical knowledge is not his style.

So, while I was reading through the article — waiting for something to upload on my client’s FTP server — I noticed something strange. This was Real Journalism. Peadar de Burca spent five years interviewing men that cheated on their partners, trying to figure out motivations, personality type, and even what kind of woman the “other woman” happened to be.

I was intrigued.

I read on.

And then the showstopper.

In five years of interviews, I would always ask what the “other woman” was like: appearance, personality, profession. There was one constant. Longer hair. (Now you know why women compliment other women after a haircut: another rival out of the equation.)

Reeling, I placed the magazine on my desk and stared at the wall for a little while. Long hair and the elusive nature of femininity is a deep well of hurt for me. For a long, long time, I had a hard time feeling female. Gender dysphoria, although rarely discussed in polite company, is something that was a real issue for me growing up. There were instances where I felt like I had genuinely been assigned the wrong gender. I’ve identified far more often with the masculine in the past.

It wasn’t until I entered adulthood that I started to come to terms with womanhood. And, at least for me, hair has always been a huge part of that transformation.

When I read about the “other woman” and her long hair, I temporarily panicked. Mike had often commented that he missed my long, chestnut hair (in my own defense, the long hair was the result of my own laziness to get it cut… and that was six years ago). For our wedding, I relented and grew it out. The wedding pictures, although beautiful, are the Idealized Me (minus my weight gain). The Me that people expect me to be.

The Real Woman with Real Womanly Hair.

You see that picture down there? With the short hair? That’s the woman I see myself as. The punk rock look may not exude glamour but what it lacks in sophistication, it makes up in (strong) personality.

Rationally, I know that femininity is subjective; it means different things to different people. It’s fairly universal (at least in my experience) that many men prefer women with long hair — something about it screams, “I’m beautiful. I’m feminine. Come love me up, baby.”

Short hair is intimidating. It shouts, “I don’t need you. I’m strong and confident all by my lonesome. You’re welcome to come along for the ride, though.” Truth? It’s part defense mechanism. If I don’t let people believe that I need them, then I don’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up.

Whether or not long hair is the definitive feminine form, it’s just one part of the whole. Hair changes. People evolve — and, in some cases, devolve. I defiantly stand behind my choice to chop my hair and be who I am.

After all, as Gaga says:

I am my hair.

Image found via Image Spark.

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Comments (11)

11 Responses to ““I am my Hair” or “A Repose in Womanhood””

  • Allissa Says:
    June 14th, 2011 at 9:56 am

    I feel this. I had no idea how much my hair meant to me until I started losing it. I never wore makeup and I'm not particularly girly, but when the hair started falling out (at 30 years old) it triggered a whole identity crisis. I had to reconsider beauty and vanity and self image.
    Luckily, it was resolved. Even more lucky, I (mostly) figured out how to be okay with how I look. But it still shakes me.

  • amandafarough Says:
    June 14th, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Hair is this tricky thing. I didn't realize how much hair meant to me until people started imposing their definitions of femininity on me.

    For the record, I think you're supremely lovely. Just sayin'.

  • Juliana Says:
    June 14th, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Thanks for this, from one shorty to another.
    I sometimes think I should grow my hair out…but my "default" is chin length. It waffles between that and very short, like it is now. I've only ever had longish hair once in my life (longer than shoulder-length) and now that I think about it, that was also the time in my life when I had the most romantic drama. Boo. I think I'll keep it how I want it. ;)

  • Sherri Says:
    June 14th, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Wow, this really spoke to me! I have always thought hair is just hair (and most days still do) but after giving birth to my children my hair came out in hand fulls and I was petrified. It was all normal I later found out but at the time it really got to me. Now I envy those strong powerful women who can rock the beautiful short hair cuts. There have always had to be a few individuals who changed the perception of how the world sees those who are different and don't follow tradition. Don't think of yourself as less womanly, you are just part of the individuals who are changing the perception of how a woman needs to be. I salute you and think you are incredible, not because of your hair but because of your bravery.

  • Carolyn Says:
    June 14th, 2011 at 10:51 am

    A little off track, but this post reminds me of my new nose ring. At nearly thirty, I got my nose pierced and it has strangely defined me recently. I am a very button-up girl who wears pearls and cardigans and works in a corporate office, so it took people by surprise when I showed up with a tiny gold hoop on my face. But it's feminine. And sexy. And powerful. And rebellious. Like hair, it's a part of our personality peeking through. I'm still grabbling with why I love this nose ring so much and what exactly that means about me, but I love your honesty. Yay!

  • Vicky Says:
    June 14th, 2011 at 11:20 am

    That was an interesting post. I always feel feminine when I have long hair, when i'm wearing heels, and a dress. But I also feel strong in a suit. Or when I know I look good (short or long hair) that power comes from within you. I used to think gender roles were a negative and some of them are, others not so much – like when guys think they need to open doors or when you, as a woman, take care of someone. But as I've gotten older, I've learnt to embrace it. Ultimately it has to do with what you're most comfortable with. For me it stems from when I was the tallest student in fourth grade, and all the other girls were short, and we lined up by height. which meant that i was with all the boys, but as I'm embraced my height, I've also embraced the features that I feel are feminine

  • parisianfeline Says:
    June 14th, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    I really liked this post. I never really paid much attention to my hair, it's length. When I was much younger – in grade school – I had hair down my back (like most kids). As I got older (and as my hair was chemically treated), it fell out and became shorter. My mom bemoaned this "loss" well into my teen years. My hair is about shoulder length now. And I've thought about cutting my hair – before – but short hair is just as much work as long hair, part of my goal is to do as little as possible with myself cosmetically. But I've never felt particularly feminine, and my hair never felt like an extension of my girlness. It was – just there.

  • Akirah Says:
    June 14th, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    I recently transitioned my hair back to its natural state, which basically meant I had to cut all the chemically processed hair off and start from scratch. For a black woman, this was extremely scary for me. I spent many weeks wondering if I would ever find myself sexy again. But I am so proud to b e natural and to have short hair. Sometimes I doubt my beauty, but generally, I know I'm a beautiful woman with a kind heart and awesome hair. And I kinda get what you mean, that short hair communicates strength. I never thought of it that way, but I see the point. Thanks!

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    June 14th, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Since puberty I have always kept my hair short. I often attempt to grow it out and then chop it off. Recently (as in this week) I have adopted this crazy, messy, bedheady style and I honestly love it, though most people probably think I look like I stuck my finger in a socket.

    If there was one thing I could do in this world, I truly want to change the ideals and help people see that beauty comes in so many shapes, styles and sizes. I hate that the feminine ideal sometimes makes those of us that find our comfort outside of that ideal feel less than. It bothers me so much, only I don't know how to change it.

  • Alisha Says:
    June 17th, 2011 at 4:04 am

    Thanks for sharing this.

    I have had my own struggles with my hair. From putting in tons of chemicals to straighten; to cutting it short and letting it grow out after people recoiled (still with said chemicals); to finally realizing that I am *not* my hair and cutting it all off to start over fresh. No chemicals, no attachment, but an appreciation of my true beauty.

    This post reminds me of the song by India.Arie http://youtu.be/OZH6lKxA_q0

  • essieteric Says:
    June 19th, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Haha – Amanda, I'm in the "girly" phase – I haven't even hit "woman" yet!! :P

    But I have always had long hair. Always tied back. A woman that I have a terrible crush on commented that she has never seen me with my hair "out". I showed her and blushed to high heaven!!

    For me, having my hair back is like my own little secret – something that I share intimately with the people that I care about, but the rest of the world has to make do with a bun or a plait or a ponytail. When I want people to see me as "beautiful", or when I want to feel that way, I'll leave my hair out.

    Amanda, you've made me think too much about this!! Thank. You. :P

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