Archive

You Are Your Own Happiness Engineer

posted 21st June 2011    Written by: Amanda    CATEGORY: All Posts, Amanda, Life Lesson, Season 4, What I've Learned

I started reading Reality is Broken a little while ago. Jane McGonigal caught my attention with her TED Talk a while back, where she talked about how gaming — yes, of the video gaming variety — could change the world. Of course, my being a gamer meant that I was all like, “HELL YEAH, BABY! LET’S DO THIS THANG.”

And then her book came out.

While I thought the book was going to be all about explaining the awesomeness of games to non-gamers, it turned out to be an exercise in paradigm shifting. I’m not very far into the book (yet) but the chapter on Happiness Engineers really caught my attention… especially after recent events.

You guys know that Mike and I don’t own a vehicle. No point in this transit oriented city. Mike went over to Vancouver Island last weekend and brought back his mom’s SUV (since she’s using her other vehicle and Mike’s dad is in Toronto for four weeks). It’s been nice to have wheels.

I digress.

Not the point.

He proposed that we go and get our hospital bag(s) packed for when ZomBaby decides to make his appearance. I noticed I didn’t have everything I needed so we figured we’d go out and pick it up from the local Mega Store of Groceries and Other Things (ahem, Superstore). About three blocks into our journey, I burst into tears.

Of course, Mike was a bit horrified. I’m not usually one to just break down and cry out of the blue. We can blame the pregnancy hormones all we want but the truth is this: I’ve been feeling very isolated lately. Events had occurred recently that had really shifted my perception of the people in my life. Where I wouldn’t expect someone to step up, people have stepped up. Where I have expected support, people haven’t bothered to show up.

It’s an odd thing to be faced with that kind of reality. It’s like I’m in perma-Opposite-Day-mode or something.

Okay, it’s not just odd.

It’s devastating.

So I sat in my mother-in-law’s silver Nissan SUV and I bawled. It wasn’t just a few tears. This was a full-on, big ugly cry. With hiccups. And black liquid eyeliner EVERYWHERE.

As soon as I could speak, Mike asked me, “Baby, what’s wrong? Why are you crying so hard? Did I hurt you?”

Sniffling hard, I said, “No, love. I’m just so angry that while I’m faltering and flailing… people keep leaving or not bothering to show up. I feel alone. I feel desperate. I feel isolated. I feel under-loved… like my soul is malnourished or something…”

Eventually, I pulled my shit together and we managed to get our hospital checklist taken care at the Superstore.

The next day, I contemplated my reaction in the car and really dug deep to understand both my motivations and the motivations of others.

1. In which we love too much.

I’ve always been of the mind that if I pour my heart and soul into another human being that they will reward me with loyalty and respect. I figure that if I love people enough, it will act as its own deterrent for people seeking to hurt me. After all, what kind of person would go out of their way to hurt someone that loves you so damn much?

And, as always, my naiveté overpowers my logical brain meats.

Shortly after my outburst in the SUV, Mike pointed out that the people I know aren’t being malicious. People have their own lives full of their own worries and concerns. I can’t expect to be loved by everyone. It’s simply not possible. Or reasonable.

“But I love a lot of people,” I protested.

“Yes, but you are the exception, not the rule. I know that I don’t tell my friends I love them. I may care for them but it wouldn’t occur to me to say it out loud. I figure they just know.”

I found myself vexed. Perhaps Mike was onto something.

Which led me to…

2. We engineer our own happiness.

“Positive psychology is the relatively new field of science that studies “human flourishing”, or how we achieve different kinds of happiness. For just over a decade now, positive-psychology researchers have been accumulating a formidable body of knowledge about how our brains and bodies work to help us achieve well-being and life satisfaction.” – Jane McGonigal (Reality is Broken)

It’s a luxury to be thinking about happiness and joy and “human flourishing”. I know it is. I know that I’m blessed enough to have grown up in (moderate) privilege, without having to worry about my personal well-being and survival beyond more than, “What shall we make for dinner tonight?”

When I think about happiness in the context of my life, I think of myself as a happy person (especially these days). I smile a lot. I laugh all the time, without thinking. Many things (and people) bring me a distinct feeling of joy and fulfillment.

And that, as I’ve learned, is wherein the problem lies: things and people bring me joy.

The conclusion I came to is that if I relied on the rest of the world to bring me joy and happiness and fulfillment, I would be left with a string of disappointments in the form of completely busted relationships that were buried under high expectation and lack of mutual respect.

Happiness must come from within, first and foremost.

It was a hard lesson to learn, especially after the years I’ve spent being a firm believer in cultivating relationships and love in order to feel loved (and happy) in return. By allowing my thirst for love and approval to drive my happiness, I became tied to the moods of friends and family. Slippery-ass-slope especially when…

3. People are fickle.

Yes, yes they are. People will come. They will go. They will show up when they’re least expected. They’ll be conspicuously absent when they’re needed. They’ll love you when you feel loved up. They’ll ignore you when you’re desperate for a scrap of human attention and validation.

Or they’ll surprise you and do something completely unexpected and wonderful in the process.

People are fickle (and, by our own nature, selfish), therefore we must become our own Happiness Engineers. We can’t be looking to the horizon and saying, “If only this person would love me a little more — a little better — I could be happier.” Or wishing for Prince Charming to swoop in. Or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica. Whatever floats your boat, really.

This is one the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn in my life. I know that it will take many, many more years of reprogramming my own behaviour until I get to the point where my friendships and relationships can’t crush me.

I must become Happiness Sufficient of my own volition.

Talk about a tall order. Got any advice for me? Better yet, got a similar story to share?

Image found via Image Spark.

 

divider

A Mighty Manifesto Monday: I Am Enough

posted 20th June 2011    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Katie, Tips & Tools, What I've Learned

Happy Monday.

You might be thinking, “uh, where’s Molly Mahar?” and to that, I say “She’s in Greece. Having a fabulous time. Living boldly. Completely unplugged. Completely overjoyed with spending time with her family. And yes, I do need to call her by her first and last name because, honestly, how much cooler could your name get? Molly Mahar. ”

I digress.

You probably remember me, Katie. I was a Season II’er. I swooped in a few months ago to check in. I’m dropping in again because, well, I just love it here. Plus, since Molly is off being Greece-y, I didn’t want Mondays to be completely barren. We all need a little Monday inspiration sometimes.

Also, I wanted to take this opportunity to share a little somethin’ somethin’ with you guys that I’ve been working on for the last week or so. Non-stop. All day. All night.

The backstory: About 40 or so days ago, I joined a group of over 30 women led by our own Molly Mahar. “The Council”, as it was called, was a 40 day commitment to ourselves. A commitment to each other. A commitment to change something. Or a lot of somethings. We all got something different out of it. (I learned a crap-ton of stuff about myself, and I made two amazing friends, who are now big parts of my heart, and just ‘get me’).

One of the main focuses of the Council, (and of Molly’s post from last year), and the thing that was most difficult but beneficial to me, was learning how to love yourself in all of your perfectly imperfect glory. I learned how to accept my weaknesses and embrace them. I learned that my weaknesses don’t make me less of a person. I learned that I don’t have to change a damn thing about myself to be “more of a person”. I learned that I Am Enough. Just as I am. Right now.

This, my loves, is my declaration that I am enough. This is my “I Am Enough Manifesto”

I Am Enough

I’m intelligent, and can never learn too much. I’m witty and playfully sarcastic, and can never hear too many jokes. I wait for others to walk before I do, I hold the door open for people behind me, I have conversations with strangers.

I’m committed to my family, friends, clients, and colleagues. I’ll go to the ends of the earth for anyone who needs me.

I lose interest in jobs, projects, and people if I am not mentally stimulated. When I find a job, project, or person that I care about, I am 115% committed and won’t stop working, trying, and accomplishing…ever.

I’m a mover, a shaker, a true Libra, an ISFJ, and a sucker for the laugh of a child.

I need to feel needed, and if I don’t feel needed, I feel less than adequate. To gain the feeling of adequacy, I will often do things that I don’t want to do, in order to gain the respect and desire of others.

I’m still enough.

When I set my mind to something, I will do it. I’ll fall off the wagon, I’ll make a mistake or seven.  But I always get back on the horse, no matter how long I’m in the mud.

My story is one of true courage and will-to-survive. It is an inspiration to others, and I love when people tell me that they’re proud of what I’ve overcome.

Sometimes I reach for a pint of ice cream, a bottle of wine, a few peach pills, a box of chocolate to feel more at ease and to relieve stress. I cut corners when there is something else that I’d rather be doing. I watch a lot of TV. I leave important tasks up until the last minute because I work better under pressure. I make up excuses of why I didn’t exercise. I break promises, I’ve said one thing and have done another.  I’ve lied to myself. I’ve lied to others. I’ve hurt myself. I’ve hurt others.

And I am still enough.

I swallow my emotions more than I express them, but I have a true desire to be more open and honest with my feelings.  I can be inspired by a quotation, an episode of Sex and the City, or a conversation with my family or friends. When I am truly inspired, nothing can stop me. I am passionate about psychology, counseling, and helping others. I have a truly beautiful mind.

I believe in the power of love to conquer all. I want to feel the warmth of a true, honest, healthy relationship. I have faith in people that most people don’t have faith in, but can also lose my faith quickly in a friend who betrays, lies, or misleads me. I build emotional walls to keep people out, and I don’t let many people in. But when I do, they’re often inside for life.

I have not always liked myself. I’ve hated, punished, and spoke poorly of myself more than I’ve loved, rewarded, and commended myself.

Right now, just as I am today, I am enough. I’ll be enough tomorrow. I’ll always be enough. I always have been enough. I am the one that I’ve been waiting for. I’m everything I need, I’m worth it.

I am Katie. I am enough.

[photo credit: myself. (appropriately)]

 

divider

Parents Just Don’t Understand

posted 19th June 2011    Written by: Juliana    CATEGORY: All Posts, Family, Job/Career/Work, Juliana, Season 4

If you think this entire post is just an excuse to include a DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince reference on this blog…you’re only half-right.  I want to talk about parents. Specifically, my parents, but I think some of you may have similar experiences.

In some ways, my parents have always been my biggest fans. In high school, they would come to every choral and theatrical performance I was involved with, and by every performance, I mean every performance. If we were doing multiple shows, you could bet on my mom & dad being there on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday’s matinee, even though they had already seen it. My mother especially would gush over how talented I was, and they both loved seeing how I could entertain people. When I had my very first solo gig as a musician (in Asheville, North Carolina) my parents drove up from Atlanta to be there. So, as far as support goes, I had plenty of it, in that my parents readily acknowledged that I had talents & skills in the performance department and did not forbid me from auditioning for shows or pressure me to be a pre-med major instead. My friends commented on how lucky I was to have such supportive parents who took an interest in my artistic life – and they were right.

Under all of that, however, I always felt an underlying message that went unsaid:  This is nice and all, and you’re good at it, but when are you going to get a real job?

They saw my artistic endeavors as amusing, but ultimately hoped I would find a stable career and accomplish things that were tangible and normal. I see now that, to them, a real job was security, benefits, a regular paycheck and not wondering whether all the bills would get paid. It meant safety. They were worried that their daughter would be living the life of a “starving artist” and never be able to reliably take care of herself.

I never finished college. I went three times (twice to the same school) and it just wasn’t for me.  A combination of personal crises, the ADD I wasn’t diagnosed with until I was 23, and the fact that I have real problems with “busywork” and doing something just because I’m “supposed to” (Ok, so I have authority issues…that’s why I’m an entrepreneur) made it nearly impossible for me to push through and finish. This made my parents even more worried and even more sure of my certain doom to a life of eccentricity, poverty, and a small apartment full of cats.

A little over three years ago, when I got my “real job” at an incredible company, and loved my work and the people I was working with, something interesting happened. My relationship with my parents improved a whole lot. They didn’t criticize me or my choices as much. They didn’t ‘check up on me’ as much. But they also didn’t ask about my music or writing as much. I think in some way they were relieved, and also assumed I had discovered a career and would be relegating my music & theater work to the hobbies they should be. I don’t want to paint them as villains here, because I think their reaction was out of love, totally. They felt that I had a stable, secure job and that they wouldn’t have to be so worried about me anymore. I was going to a “real person job” in an office every day, like a normal person who has a house and a marriage and does not have to sleep in their car at rest stops. I think a lot of parents would react similarly.

All of this was part of the reason it took me a long time to leave the job even when I knew working in an office wasn’t the right fit for me anymore. I was worried that the relationship with my family would deteriorate again, and that they wouldn’t understand my choice. The hardest part about leaving to work on my art full time was telling my parents. I am 28 years old and I was freaking out over what my daddy would say. Ultimately, I had to rely on my confidence in my dream and my passion for my work to get the message across. And you know what? It went over WAY better than I thought it would.

I gave you all of this background information to tell you this: Sometimes the people who love you the most cannot make the right choice for you, because they are clouded by concern. Working against convention frightens them, not because they don’t believe you can do what you want to do, but because they want you to be healthy and happy and a conventional life has been touted for so long as the way to achieve that (despite lots of evidence to the contrary.) They love you, but they don’t always understand. So you have to take their advice with a grain of salt, or sometimes a whole bucket of it.

My relationship with my family is still good, and my parents regularly ask about how my career is going. These days, though, they don’t have that tinge of worry in their voice. They ask questions about what I’m up to, trying to “get it”. They really just want to know how it’s going…and I tell them it’s awesome.

divider

Ready to Love Again

posted 17th June 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Katharine, Love/Relationships, Season 4, Travel/Adventure, What I've Learned

“Life never gives you the same chance twice and destinations never stay the same.  Get going now because you are missing out on the world out there, not the world where you are.”

The decision of staying in Australia or moving to Taiwan wasn’t easy.  I couldn’t just flip a coin and let that be it.  I had to really think about what exactly it was that I wanted right now and in the future.

I’m incredibly happy in Australia and I’m not sure I’m ready to give that up just yet.

When it comes down to it, it’s all about regret.  Life is about living with as little regret as possible. Will I regret not moving to Taiwan or will I regret not staying in Australia?  Will I regret not pursuing my career or will I regret not pursuing a relationship?

I knew which decision would reap the least regret, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself.  Maybe because I never thought I would actually be one of ‘those’ people.

I’m staying in Australia and taking a chance on love.

There’s a lot at stake here.  For me and for him.  We’re both young – 27 and 26 respectively – from two different countries, backgrounds, and lifestyles.  Yet, we have similar hopes, dreams, and passions for life.  Me choosing to stay for this relationship certainly puts some added pressure on him.  My tourist visa expires on August 25th, at which point I’ll have to leave the country (unless I leave sooner to renew my tourist visa) and apply for a working visa so I can return to Australia to live and work for one year and continue to make things work between us.

And then there are the emotional risks.  I’m falling hard and fast for this man.  Maybe it’s his Australian accent (swoon) or maybe it’s because I haven’t been in a relationship in a while and everything is still in that ‘honeymoon’ phase, but it’s starting to get more challenging to keep my heart protected.

But as scary as it is knowing that I’m willing to make big sacrifices for a man without a guarantee of this relationship working out, I realized that I’m finally ready to be in a mature, committed relationship.  Eventually you reach a point in your life when you’re no longer afraid to get hurt. That’s exactly where I am right now.  I’m terrified of falling in love again, but I want to give this relationship – and this man – everything I have because I believe it’s the only way to live passionately and with intention.

I’m finally ready to love again.

I know it sounds crazy – to sacrifice a job opportunity for a relationship that might not work out – but what if it does work?  What if this is it? I want to take this chance.  I finally found a genuine man who doesn’t play games and knows what he wants and I can’t let myself walk away from him yet.  I’ve already met his parents, brothers, and closest friends (I told you things move faster when you live abroad).  This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and after all I’ve been through, I deserve this.

{photo credit: weheartit}

divider

Obsessed With More

posted 15th June 2011    Written by: Laura    CATEGORY: Laura, Life Lesson, Season 4, What I've Learned

Last week, a very sobering blog post was popping up around the Internet, entitled Regrets of the Dying. Written by a longtime palliative care nurse, it shared the five most common regrets people have when realizing the end of their life is imminent. Among them is: “I wish I had let myself be happier.”

While there’s plenty one could take away from this post (and it’s definitely worth reading), it got me thinking about how common it is for us to be obsessed with more. How many times have you heard yourself or someone else say they wanted more of something? I’m certainly guilty of it.

“I want more of this kind of work”, “I wish she was more understanding”, “I wish Hunny would put his bowl in the dishwasher more,” “I need to workout more,” “That’ll have to wait until I make more money.”

There are countless examples; some are about something meaningful, while others are completely irrelevant, really. But I wonder, in what ways are we better served by wanting to make more money, instead of contentedly living within our means? What value does a second helping at meal time actually add, when the first round was already damn delicious? If we spend time wishing someone was more of something, don’t we miss out on appreciating what they already are? Does constantly wanting to be more something ever feed our soul the way that realizing we already are a hell of a lot of things does?

The thing with an insatiable appetite for more is that it gets in the way a little bit. It’s almost like living our life with a constant “but….”, isn’t it?

I love you, but; I’m really good at this, but; I’m proud of that, but; This is delicious, but; You’re wonderful, but.

There’s such a fine line between being happy with what you have and striving for continuous improvement. When does continuous improvement become a misstep – an exercise in overlooking how great things already are? And when does contentment turn into complacency – a lack of desire to live your best life?

Over the last year, I’ve really been working on slowing down, appreciating and settling in. I’ve been craving inputs, rather than outputs. I’ve been looking inward, instead of seeking validation from others. I’ve been listening to my instincts, instead of people’s expectations. And as a result, my feelings of peace, certainty and contentment have definitely increased. What’s better, so has my awareness of those feelings.

The only trouble is, I’m still trying to find that fine line between striving and staying.

It’s in my nature to want to push myself. I believe in potential and I value creativity, exploration, originality, and freedom. Those values don’t really equate to settling in to the status quo, right? But on the flip side, I’m becoming a big fan of being; of loving, laughing and appreciating, from exactly where I am.

It’s a delicate balance and one that I’m going to keep working on. I want to be sure I’m letting myself be happy.

So tell me, how do you walk that line? What are some ways you divide your attention between the present and the future?

{Photo credit}

divider

« Previous Page — Next Page »