You Are Your Own Happiness Engineer

posted 21st June 2011    Written by: Amanda    CATEGORY: All Posts, Amanda, Life Lesson, Season 4, What I've Learned

I started reading Reality is Broken a little while ago. Jane McGonigal caught my attention with her TED Talk a while back, where she talked about how gaming — yes, of the video gaming variety — could change the world. Of course, my being a gamer meant that I was all like, “HELL YEAH, BABY! LET’S DO THIS THANG.”

And then her book came out.

While I thought the book was going to be all about explaining the awesomeness of games to non-gamers, it turned out to be an exercise in paradigm shifting. I’m not very far into the book (yet) but the chapter on Happiness Engineers really caught my attention… especially after recent events.

You guys know that Mike and I don’t own a vehicle. No point in this transit oriented city. Mike went over to Vancouver Island last weekend and brought back his mom’s SUV (since she’s using her other vehicle and Mike’s dad is in Toronto for four weeks). It’s been nice to have wheels.

I digress.

Not the point.

He proposed that we go and get our hospital bag(s) packed for when ZomBaby decides to make his appearance. I noticed I didn’t have everything I needed so we figured we’d go out and pick it up from the local Mega Store of Groceries and Other Things (ahem, Superstore). About three blocks into our journey, I burst into tears.

Of course, Mike was a bit horrified. I’m not usually one to just break down and cry out of the blue. We can blame the pregnancy hormones all we want but the truth is this: I’ve been feeling very isolated lately. Events had occurred recently that had really shifted my perception of the people in my life. Where I wouldn’t expect someone to step up, people have stepped up. Where I have expected support, people haven’t bothered to show up.

It’s an odd thing to be faced with that kind of reality. It’s like I’m in perma-Opposite-Day-mode or something.

Okay, it’s not just odd.

It’s devastating.

So I sat in my mother-in-law’s silver Nissan SUV and I bawled. It wasn’t just a few tears. This was a full-on, big ugly cry. With hiccups. And black liquid eyeliner EVERYWHERE.

As soon as I could speak, Mike asked me, “Baby, what’s wrong? Why are you crying so hard? Did I hurt you?”

Sniffling hard, I said, “No, love. I’m just so angry that while I’m faltering and flailing… people keep leaving or not bothering to show up. I feel alone. I feel desperate. I feel isolated. I feel under-loved… like my soul is malnourished or something…”

Eventually, I pulled my shit together and we managed to get our hospital checklist taken care at the Superstore.

The next day, I contemplated my reaction in the car and really dug deep to understand both my motivations and the motivations of others.

1. In which we love too much.

I’ve always been of the mind that if I pour my heart and soul into another human being that they will reward me with loyalty and respect. I figure that if I love people enough, it will act as its own deterrent for people seeking to hurt me. After all, what kind of person would go out of their way to hurt someone that loves you so damn much?

And, as always, my naiveté overpowers my logical brain meats.

Shortly after my outburst in the SUV, Mike pointed out that the people I know aren’t being malicious. People have their own lives full of their own worries and concerns. I can’t expect to be loved by everyone. It’s simply not possible. Or reasonable.

“But I love a lot of people,” I protested.

“Yes, but you are the exception, not the rule. I know that I don’t tell my friends I love them. I may care for them but it wouldn’t occur to me to say it out loud. I figure they just know.”

I found myself vexed. Perhaps Mike was onto something.

Which led me to…

2. We engineer our own happiness.

“Positive psychology is the relatively new field of science that studies “human flourishing”, or how we achieve different kinds of happiness. For just over a decade now, positive-psychology researchers have been accumulating a formidable body of knowledge about how our brains and bodies work to help us achieve well-being and life satisfaction.” – Jane McGonigal (Reality is Broken)

It’s a luxury to be thinking about happiness and joy and “human flourishing”. I know it is. I know that I’m blessed enough to have grown up in (moderate) privilege, without having to worry about my personal well-being and survival beyond more than, “What shall we make for dinner tonight?”

When I think about happiness in the context of my life, I think of myself as a happy person (especially these days). I smile a lot. I laugh all the time, without thinking. Many things (and people) bring me a distinct feeling of joy and fulfillment.

And that, as I’ve learned, is wherein the problem lies: things and people bring me joy.

The conclusion I came to is that if I relied on the rest of the world to bring me joy and happiness and fulfillment, I would be left with a string of disappointments in the form of completely busted relationships that were buried under high expectation and lack of mutual respect.

Happiness must come from within, first and foremost.

It was a hard lesson to learn, especially after the years I’ve spent being a firm believer in cultivating relationships and love in order to feel loved (and happy) in return. By allowing my thirst for love and approval to drive my happiness, I became tied to the moods of friends and family. Slippery-ass-slope especially when…

3. People are fickle.

Yes, yes they are. People will come. They will go. They will show up when they’re least expected. They’ll be conspicuously absent when they’re needed. They’ll love you when you feel loved up. They’ll ignore you when you’re desperate for a scrap of human attention and validation.

Or they’ll surprise you and do something completely unexpected and wonderful in the process.

People are fickle (and, by our own nature, selfish), therefore we must become our own Happiness Engineers. We can’t be looking to the horizon and saying, “If only this person would love me a little more — a little better — I could be happier.” Or wishing for Prince Charming to swoop in. Or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica. Whatever floats your boat, really.

This is one the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn in my life. I know that it will take many, many more years of reprogramming my own behaviour until I get to the point where my friendships and relationships can’t crush me.

I must become Happiness Sufficient of my own volition.

Talk about a tall order. Got any advice for me? Better yet, got a similar story to share?

Image found via Image Spark.

 

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Comments (9)

9 Responses to “You Are Your Own Happiness Engineer”

  • Big L Says:
    June 21st, 2011 at 9:39 am

    I adore this post, and the realization you had. A couple of people close to me who struggle with this exact same thing. And while I can't entirely relate to it myself, I do empathize. And I understand that it must be really hard on you emotionally at times, as evidenced by the SUV meltdown ;) I wish you nothing but strength, clarity and discovery as you work on shifting your perspective and engineering your happiness more consistently.

    Remember that book I mentioned in an early post – Radical Acceptance: Loving Yourself with the Heart of a Buddha – it might be a good read right about now! I was just about to resume reading it myself….I had to take a break because I ended up not being in the right head space for a while. Anywho, xxoo

  • amandafarough Says:
    June 21st, 2011 at 10:06 am

    That's genius, L. I'll peek into the book. Methinks it would be the perfect soul food right now. xoxo

  • eemusings Says:
    June 21st, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    Oh, my god. This resonates so much with me, I can't even explain. Just know that I'm with you.

  • Angela C. Says:
    June 21st, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Awesome post. These are some great realizations, particularly that we control our own happiness (I am totally a believer in positive psychology!) and that people are fickle. Regardless of circumstances or whatever is going on with the people in our lives, we have the ability to be happy because we choose to.

  • Wifey of a Roadie Says:
    June 21st, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Wow! I hear you girlfriend! But you're right, if we harness our own happiness and not rely on others then we will be less likely to get so hurt.

  • Shnaa Says:
    June 22nd, 2011 at 8:22 am

    I'm trying to figure out why this post isn't sitting well with me. Maybe the problem is that this "positive psychology" / "engineering your own happiness" stuff seems to disregard people's humanity. Look: we're a social species, so it makes sense for us to feel sad or frustrated or lonely or alienated when supposed friends and family keep their distance. It's freaking difficult to live in a society that idolizes individualism and Ayn Randian selfishness (like ParisianFeline says) to such an insane degree that a pregnant woman is made to feel ashamed of her own sadness that her loved ones aren't helping her through a difficult time. Other, non-Western societies might heap the shame on those who don't help a pregnant woman in a time of need; our Puritan, rugged-individualist society tells the pregnant woman to suck it up, put on a happy face (engineer happiness!), accept her lot in life (have gratitude!), and shun her tears as some kind of character flaw.

    True, it's easier to be happy if you have low or no expectations, but are all expectations so bad? You expect your husband to love you and sometimes do nice things for you, right? If you didn't, why stay in the relationship at all? That doesn't mean your happiness should be completely linked to your hubby's mood – as you noted, that would be an awful way to live – but it does mean you have the right to be angry or otherwise upset if he's rude or distant toward you for a significant period of time. If you simply pushed away the hurt and willed yourself to be happy, you'd become a Stepford Wife! Yes, when we love others, we risk getting hurt. But does that mean we should not love others and hope to be loved by them in return?

    This is not to say we should be like whiny, entitled children and expect everyone to fulfill us all the time, but you don't want to go so far in the other direction that you become a completely individualistic sociopath. And isn't that really what a person who never needs others is?

    In terms of your specific problem, Amanda, have you asked your friends and family (nicely, humbly) to do specific favors for you? People might not be "stepping up" because they don't know what you need, or that you need anything, period! Or, they might be worried about embarrassing you — some people get offended when others offer help. Something as simple as, "Hey So-and-So, I was wondering if you were available to grab lunch and talk / help me pick out nursery items / give me a hug" might do the trick. Best of luck :)

  • Jen Says:
    June 22nd, 2011 at 11:56 am

    I just wanted to share my experience to offer a different perspective:

    Last year, a good friend of mine was struggling with depression. I knew she was; she knew she was; we all knew she was. She tried very hard to bring herself out of it by reaching out to her friends, including me. At the time, though, I was suffering through my own near-crippling bout with depression, which left me all-but unable to function like a normal human. I could barely leave the house, and I was ashamed of myself for gaining so much weight, for letting myself get that miserable.

    I knew she needed me – but I genuinely had nothing to give.

    I can't say if the people you love aren't there for you because they don't want to be or simply can't be right now, but I wanted to share why I wasn't able to step up for my friend. It had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. It doesn't excuse the behavior, of course, but your comment that everyone has their own lives and concerns resonated with me.

    You are loved, and you have a whole tribe here supporting you. Call on us if you need it. :)

  • amandafarough Says:
    June 23rd, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Great perspective, Jen. I just finished being in this place so I should be striking from a place of empathy when it comes to, "DAMN IT. WHAT ABOUT ME." Actually, I am. I think it just came out in the form of pouting and tears because… well, it can get tiresome to be the only strong one in a group, y'know?

    Thanks for commenting, m'dear. Your story is brain (soul?) food. <3

  • Link love (Powered by functional nights and goodie bags) | Musings of an Abstract Aucklander Says:
    June 25th, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    [...] see this from Amanda at Stratejoy on engineering your own happiness (which you might have seen me tweet [...]

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