Marian – 6 Months Later

posted 18th August 2011    Written by: Marian    CATEGORY: Marian, Season 3, What I've Learned

Remember Marian? She was one of our Season 3 Rockstars. She’s back, with an update on what’s happened over the last 6 months in her world. You can read her full journey from beginning to end by checking out the Marian Archives!

I wish I had good news for you, I really do.

We left off just after I arrived in New Zealand. This move was full of promise. Sure, I was having a little culture shock, but I was with my partner, traveling the world, doing my thing.

And then it, ever-so-slowly, fell apart.

It took around 8 months for everything to completely turn to shit. It was a gradual process. First, I had a cockroach phobia. The things are super common in NZ and they started giving me panic attacks. Even at the time I knew I was projecting my stress onto whatever I could find. Moving to the opposite side of the world, not having a job or money or real support system and not even being able to schedule Skype dates with my family due to a fun 18-hour time difference took its toll.

(Granted, cockroaches still scare the crap out of me, but I couldn’t sleep for months thanks to the little buggers.)

Then, the job thing hit. Being so far away from home meant people weren’t as keen to hire me. New Zealanders didn’t trust me, Americans thought I was too far away and didn’t understand the concept of hiring someone based in Hobbit-town.

So I started looking for a “real” job. Months went by.

Then I started distancing from the few people I actually knew and loved in New Zealand, .who took the brunt of my difficulties in the move and didn’t say a damn word.

Eight months of unhappiness later and I’m writing this from a creepy old hostel in Melbourne, Australia. I ended up getting a fantastic job in Auckland, but circumstances (re: not being able to handle Auckland or my life there anymore) sort of dictated I couldn’t stay. Lucky for me, I have the best bosses on the planet and they’re letting me work from the road.

I’m on the trip of a lifetime. I have unlimited time, no real obligations and a modest stream of income.

I’m writing this on Day One, where I’m feeling lonely, scared beyond all possible belief and sick to my stomach that I just threw away everything good in my life because I was “having trouble settling in.”

Basically, it’s six months post-Stratejoy and it’s not pretty. I don’t know what’s going to make me happy. Location, career and mental health just weren’t cutting it.

The thing is though, Stratejoy taught me to play to my strengths. To try and be as self aware as humanely possible in terms of where I feel my life should be, even if I don’t know what that is yet.

And if I’m anything, I’m proactive. And impatient. Together, this makes for one determined girl. I’m trying to see this grand upheaval in some sort of positive light: Instead of sitting on my ass in a situation that made me unhappy, I left. I’m seeking happiness. On the road, by myself.

In theory – from the outside – this looks pretty brave. And independently smart (even if my parents don’t think so). On the inside, it feels dark. And twisted. I have no idea if this form of therapy is going to work. Whether my constant running around (running away?) is going to solve anything.

Or whether the “impatient” part of me could have given it just one more chance.

 

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Comments (9)

9 Responses to “Marian – 6 Months Later”

  • AshleyD Says:
    August 18th, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Even though it's not full of rainbows and sunshine, I love this update. Marian, I followed your story through Season 3 and I'm so glad we got an update to see where you are these day! You're right, what you're doing does seem brave from the outside and I'm sure it seems terrifying and dark from the inside. But we're all here cheering you on and wishing you the best.

  • Caz Says:
    August 18th, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Hey Marian!
    I'm not sure if you're still in Melbourne but if you are, I'm here! I've done the living in NZ thing (although I was in Dunedin where it was too cold for cockroaches) and have been here in Melbourne for 3 years. Would love to catch up for a coffee or something and chat Stratejoy, North America, the crap that is time zones etc.

    xoxo

  • Meghan Says:
    August 18th, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    I think the most brave thing is admitting that you are still working through your journey even 6 months later. That there are still lots of life decisions that face us – big ones and small. And that you didn't learn everything in one fell swoop. I really appreciate you sharing that with us. Wishing you all the good things! I know you'll find your solution and then come back and tell us all about it :)

  • Molly_Mahar Says:
    August 18th, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Hey honey. I'm so glad you shared this with us- I'm sure it's hard to come and say "My big changes? They were harder than I thought." There's a sense of relief from just "saying" it out loud, eh? WE LOVE YOU. And I'm so behind you, no matter if you're kickin' ass or feeling low. It's part of our human experience. Ask for help if you need it. Be really nice to yourself and know it's okay to be vulnerable. You don't have to have it all figured out, you just need to trust that you'll make it. Be scared, but keep following that gut. And as you said, use your strengths. Ask us to remind you of them if you forget.

    Huge cross ocean hugs and love and snuggles. See you on Skype soon. XOXO Molly

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    August 18th, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Marian the Librarian! I'm sorry to hear that it's not going completely as planned or as awesome as it could be. But something I've learned is that you just have to roll with the punches. Not in a sense that you just let the bad shit happen, but in a way that you just know it'll get better. Make sense? Kind of?

    I'm thinking of you biiiiiiiiig time.

  • Heather Rae Says:
    August 18th, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    Marian, I think it's beautiful that you shared all this! Quite simply, life isn't always rainbows and butterflies, and it can take a ton of courage to be honest about that. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best as you take this journey of yours (I've been following on your personal blog too!). I know the feeling of 'running away' and I've been facing some of my own demons lately. But it's good. Because it all leads to growth and molds you into the person you are every single day. And from everything I've read from your time at Stratejoy and your personal blog, I'd say you're one amazing lady! Sending you big hugs!

  • doniree Says:
    August 19th, 2011 at 4:48 am

    Thank you for your openness love, and I'm so sorry it's been such a rough road for you to this point. "Having trouble settling in" is BIGGER than we think. Granted, I didn't move across the world, but when my first few months weren't easy and acclimating yourself to a new area/culture/people is really a challenge. Congratulations on hitting a turning point and a bend in the road, and I'm sending you love and light so that you find light around the corner. You're a brave woman for even just sharing this, and you're certainly not alone! <3

  • charlotte Says:
    August 19th, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    hi there marian,

    i stumbled upon your blog and am so happy i did. i'm enjoying reading about your experiences and can identify with so many of them. i, too, took a leap of faith to nz—-a country with scenery and people that i love–and felt the same sense of complete disorientation that you felt after a few months. i basically mentally shut down. looking back on it, my lonliness caused by distance and unemployment lead to depression. however, i think it's so amazing that you've stuck it out and are on the way to building up your dreams again. from that experience in nz, i've come to learn that it's often easier to think of situations (such as being so awfully far away from family/the familiar, etc.) as just temporary. knowing that they're temporary experiences, i think, takes the mental and spiritual pressure off of yourself and frees you up to just enjoy the fun things going on down there, down under, as you experience them. anyway, kia kaha and good luck to you! i'll enjoy reading your journeys.

  • Lindsey Says:
    August 19th, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Marian, congratulations on your fresh start. It is a bummer that things didn't work out quite as you expected, but on the bright side, you now have this whole new opportunity to explore on this solo journey. Unplanned & unexpected adventures tend to have the best outcomes, in my experience. And though you may question your "running around" as a mask for "running away" – I vote you choose not to worry about this. Whatever your reasons for running, it doesn't really matter, if along the way you are learning, having fun & playing as much as possible. Good luck overcoming this low point, and here's to a speedy return to optimism & clarity & happy times in your world!

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