Finding Clarity Through Doubt And Fear

posted 10th September 2011    Written by: Elyse    CATEGORY: All Posts, Elyse, Job/Career/Work, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5

INTRODUCING: ELYSE

“I realized at some point not knowing what to do meant I could really do anything“

 

As I was standing over the plastic tub getting ready to pluck an alligator out of the water, the thought that crossed my mind was “what have I gotten myself into?” I mean, I had a language arts teaching degree and nowhere in the plan I had originally laid out for myself did “alligator-wrangling” factor in. Yet, I found myself at animal handling training at my local zoo; my new co-workers’ eyes staring expectantly at me as I hesitated, hovering over the shallow water. That gator knew I was coming, too. He stared at me with a cool expression, daring me to put my hand in that tub. I reached, hesitated, and drew back. Reached again…and nothing.  I shook my head as tears leaked out of my eyes. I just couldn’t do it.

That was me just over a year ago. I barely recognize that girl now and have to laugh because I handle the alligators in the collection quite frequently. Going back even farther than one year, I was leaking tears for entirely different reasons. After confidently pursuing a teaching degree in language arts for 5 1/2 years, I realized at the end of college how much I had an aversion to teaching in a public school classroom. I was un-employed, broke and in the middle of a deep and stormy depression. The couch and the mindless, daytime TV were my companions and each cold day led into sleepless nights. I was in the throes of a painful and desperate quarter-life crisis.  I desperately craved clarity.

While I spent many days wallowing in self-pity and resentment, there were a few moments of clarity that broke through. I realized at some point not knowing what to do meant I could really do anything. That was somewhat helpful, but how in the world does one start at the beginning again at age 25? I am constantly questioned by my family and friends about when I’ll know what I want to do with my life and when I’ll pick my long-term career aspiration. It is hard to face the explanation that, for myself at least, this may never happen.

I did know two things: I wanted my life to be bold and meaningful, and while I don’t support traditional schooling, I firmly believe in the power of education. I began searching and applying for every “non-traditional” education job I could find just praying for a lead. I even applied for an internship in the education department of a zoo which was pretty laughable. I disliked bugs, being dirty, sweating and was never very good at science. I merely squeaked by in the subject and took classes like “Age of the Dinosaur 101” to fulfill those pesky gen ed credits in college. The application felt like a far stretch from my current abilities, but I was willing to try anything.

In what can only be described as a sonic blur, the zoo called, and I was asked to join the intern team for the summer of 2010 teaching summer camp to the public. I don’t throw around this phrase lightly, but that summer at the zoo? It changed my life. I was teaching kids about animals (even bugs!), getting sweaty and getting dirty, and it didn’t matter at the end of the day because I loved it. I found something that made it worth getting up in the morning. Even after the internship was over, I found ways to stick around. I wanted to learn more, grow more and be more.

In September, I start a two-year stint as an Americorps volunteer at the zoo. I made this decision knowing the risks I faced: the Americorps program could be de-funded, I could be wasting two years of my life when I don’t know what the hell I want to do with my life, finances would be tight for a long time. All of these things were pointed out to me by members of an older generation that didn’t seem to understand how much I needed to take a chance and do ANYTHING to begin defining a path for myself and finding the clarity that I so longed for. Despite all those lingering doubts and fears, I finally made the decision. Standing on the brink of this new experience, I am terrified. But, if life is an alligator…I guess I have to take a deep breath and stick my hand in that damn bucket.

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Comments (14)

14 Responses to “Finding Clarity Through Doubt And Fear”

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 10th, 2011 at 8:34 am

    I love the line "I needed to take a chance and do ANYTHING to begin defining a path for myself and finding the clarity that I so longed for." I have felt that same exact way so many times and it's scary, but so rewarding. It's so brave of you to take this chance and see what comes from it. I can't wait to follow along!

  • Chrissa Says:
    September 10th, 2011 at 9:17 am

    You'll never regret your AmeriCorps service. I did a year and it changed my life. The similarity in our stories is amazing (mine: social studies ed, AmeriCorps VISTA year with a peace organization, now I am entrenched in the nonprofit world and I love it….still searching for the perfect position that weds my love for social studies and nonprofits… and we both live in Cincy!)

    Good luck with your AmeriCorps service and I look forward to reading about your journey here!

  • Katie Says:
    September 10th, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    I served as an AmeriCorps VISTA as well and my term of service just ended in July. It was an amazing experience and you learn so much in such a supportive environment. I look forward to hearing about your journey! :)

  • Elyse Says:
    September 10th, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    Have you ever considered the Cincy Museum Center? Talk about a perfect marriage of history and nonprofits! I'm hoping to have a life-changing experience during this service.

  • Elyse Says:
    September 10th, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    Thank you! I put up a brave front most of the time, but it usually is just a front. I am constantly scared of making the wrong decisions and permanently screwing up my life. I know that there are many paths I can take and still be happy, but somehow, I can't get head and heart to agree!

  • KristenCF Says:
    September 11th, 2011 at 6:09 am

    As a museum person, education in nontraditional settings is so important- I could talk for hours after the amazing experiences I've witnessed with students, old and young, who learn and engage with a piece of art, fact of history, etc. The work you will do in that respect at the zoo with the public will have some intensely gratifying moments. So even if it's not what you're going to do "for the rest of your life," your are making an important contribution RIGHT NOW– and that's just pure awesome.

    Also you rule for doing AmeriCorps. I had started the application process my senior year of college before I got into grad school- part of me has moments where I wish I had delayed grad school one year just to get the AmeriCorps experience.

    Looking forward to following your journey and hopefully seeing great animal shots ( I love the zoo!)

  • Elyse Says:
    September 11th, 2011 at 6:46 am

    I'm sure you and I could really get down and dirty about traditional education v. non-profit education! I've witnessed more amazing educational experiences with kids at the zoo than any school I was in. It really motivates me to make their experience there the best I possibly can. I'll continue with fun animal shots as I enjoy posing with as many zoo animals as possible. ;-)

  • Kat Says:
    September 11th, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    I wish you as many incredible experiences and memories during your AmeriCorps service as I had during mine. I love that you're excited to get up for this every day, and I can't wait to read about how you grow during this time!

  • HannahD Says:
    September 11th, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    Loving the concept that not knowing what you want to do means you can do anything! Soooo happy for you that you've found something you love. Will you teach me to put my hand in the alligator bucket? :)

  • Elyse Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    I've only just started, but I am really amazed at the atmosphere and the energy that the volunteers have brought to the group!

  • Elyse Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    Working at the zoo in general has been the first time I've been excited to get up every day (wellll…after 5 minutes of trying to wake-up; THEN, I get excited haha).

  • Elyse Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    I would be honored to teach you to stick your hand in a bucket with an alligator in it. :-)

  • laurenne_s Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    Your job sounds soooo cool! I would love to do it. I really commend you for trying something you thought you wouldn't like. That makes me want to say yes more often.
    I think time is just something we make up! I didn't graduate from school until 25. You have so much time and so much awareness. You are destined for greatness!

  • Elyse Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Thank you! My job is completely enjoyable, but I'm having trouble commiting to this for life. It really does help to have people say "I didn't do such and such until 25" because I know I'm not completely failing at putting my life together. ;-)

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