Learning To Trust Myself

posted 13th September 2011    Written by: Ashley    CATEGORY: All Posts, Ashley, Life Lesson, Season 5, Travel, Travel/Adventure, What I've Learned

 If I’m going to be completely honest (and isn’t that the point of this?), I must tell you that when I moved to France after college, it wasn’t all sparkly lights and hot chocolate.

The truth is, I was terrified.

I was terrified to leave Texas, my family, my friends, and my boyfriend at the time. I was scared of moving to a new country without knowing a soul and living on my own for nine months. I was scared of the new culture, the distance from home, and all of the other million unknowns.

But I packed my bags and went to France anyway.

Thankfully, the residents of my new charming French town were kind, welcoming, and provided me with an apartment, rent free. My French speaking skills improved almost overnight. Once my teaching assistantship began, I built friendships with a few of the teachers and was invited to their homes for dinner parties with authentic French cuisine- mussels, baguettes, cheeses, wines, and crepes. On the weekends I traveled. That was my favorite part of the entire experience. Spain, England, Switzerland, Italy, Portugal. Teaching wasn’t so bad either. I grew to love my students and enjoyed being part of their learning each day. Before I knew it, my time was up and I was sad to return home.

This all sounds like a great accomplishment because I conquered my fears and now I have this amazing experience to look back on, but the outcome didn’t have the same intense satisfaction you normally associate with conquering your fears. Not at all.

Instead of feeling proud of myself, I feel ashamed. I’m ashamed that the only reason I boarded the plane was because I knew it would make other people happy. I didn’t trust myself to consider how I felt or what I wanted. I was scared and the only thing that pushed me forward was knowing I wasn’t disappointing my parents and my friends.

I’ve thought about that moment a lot over the past few years. It makes me sad to realize that I let so many moments pass without making a strong, important decision for myself. I was letting fear control me and passing the responsibility off so that I wouldn’t have to own it.

This is part of the reason I chose BRAVE as my word for 2011.

I want my life to be built on my own terms. I want to follow my dreams, not my mom’s, my sister’s, or my best friend’s.

Mine.

I want to uncover my sense of self, my courage, and learn to trust my heart.

I’m hoping that at the end of these next five months I will have a firmer grasp on exactly what my dreams are and what my best life looks like. I’m hoping that, with the help of this amazing tribe of women, I will strengthen my confidence and feel a bit more sturdy when I make a decision that isn’t fully supported by those whose opinions matter most. I’m hoping that I will have embraced the idea that is my life and I need to live it boldly.

Since this is still a bit new to me, I’m starting small. Treating myself to warm baths and a good book after a long day at work. Journaling. Daydreaming. Brainstorming.

Maybe I’ll go back to school. Maybe I’ll write a book, or finally commit to those yoga teacher training classes that seem so intimidating, but full of great possibility. Maybe I’ll look into owning my own business since the goal of a private practice has been floating around my head since graduate school.

I see glimpses of how I want my future to be, filled with authentic joy and happiness. Now I just have to figure out how all of the pieces fit together.

[photo credit: SweetOnVeg]

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Comments (18)

18 Responses to “Learning To Trust Myself”

  • KristenCF Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 8:28 am

    I love that you have embraced the "maybe"- but not in an indecisive way– that you know that there are so many opportunities and ideas available to you– and that you can do whatever you want. Living through the questions and figuring out what works best for you is your priority and that completely and totally rocks!

  • Peter Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 8:31 am

    You should definitely listen to that heart.

    It's amazing.

  • Natasha Hollerup Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 8:43 am

    Here's hoping for your bravery this year. I think it's cool to start small because you'll be halfway there before you know it.

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 9:41 am

    Yes! I am completely living through the questions. It can be terrifying, but also exhilarating because there are so many options. Actually, that's what my next post is about, haha.

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 9:43 am

    That's the plan. Baby steps, baby. :)

  • Katie Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 9:56 am

    I'm much happier when I know what's going to happen. Like, plans, I need plans set in stone. If they're 'maybe' then I get really freaked out that they're not going to happen. It makes the future, and its unexpectedness a little hard to bear. But, along with you, so long as that includes happiness, I think I'll be okay with not knowing. So long as happiness is included. Loves you!

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Um, I think I'm right there with you because my next post is all "I can't handle not knowing. I NEED A PLAN!" Now I feel a bit calmer and can stop freaking out about the unknowns and maybes.

  • Cait Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 11:12 am

    I completely relate to doing things because of everyone else's opinion except your own. Even if it turned out to be a positive or beneficial experience, sometimes it's hard to escape the knowledge that it wasn't something you did because it was 100% what you wanted. I tend to be really indecisive and therefore I turn to others for their input, when I should start learning how to trust my gut and decide what it is that *I* want.

  • HannahD Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    I <3 your "maybe"s and I <3 your "BRAVE". You got this. It makes me feel so much more normal to be surrounded by all of you ladies who are also looking for authentic joy and happiness. The majority of the world doesn't seem to realize it's an option!

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Well aren't you the sweetest.

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    It's so tough! I tell myself that it's easier to do what others want because it's hard for me to happy when I know others aren't happy with my choices. So yeah, I have to keep reminding myself that this is *my* life.

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    The support system of this tribe is amazing and I love that we aren't settling for anything less than authentic joy and happiness!

  • laurenne_s Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    I think you're not giving yourself enough credit here, my friend! You moved to a foreign country!!! Yes, I understand it might have not been for 100% the right reasons, but I'm sure it really taught you things you will use forever for yourself. You know how many people in this country don't even have a passport? No matter what the reasoning, I think you were brave long ago, and I totally acknowledge you for that! Looking forward to seeing how much BRAVER you'll get with YOUR life!!

  • Elyse Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Man, being brave is terrifying. ;-) I'm proud of you for embracing "brave" and trying to live life on your own terms!

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 14th, 2011 at 9:07 am

    Man, it's like you just shined a light onto something I hadn't seen before. You're right. I learned so much about myself and the world because of that experience and just because I didn't do it for the "right" reasons doesn't negate all of that.

    Now I have all these thoughts running around in my head. I may have to write a post about all the things I don't give myself enough credit for…

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 14th, 2011 at 9:07 am

    It's so scary sometimes! And it would be so much worse if I didn't have you lovelies as my support!

  • laurenne_s Says:
    September 14th, 2011 at 10:19 am

    YES!! You DID it. You accomplished something, and you absolutely deserve all the credit and the reward regardless of the reasons! I totally understand what you mean about feeling the frustration of living for other people. But you are a very smart, aware, beautiful person who didn't get like that for other people. Girrrrl, pat yourself on the back!

  • Linda Says:
    September 15th, 2011 at 6:32 am

    Ashley! You're inspiring me to take more time to be introspective. Thank you.

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