Ending a Relationship: Lessons Learned and Things Remembered

posted 18th September 2011    Written by: Kat    CATEGORY: All Posts, Kat, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5, What I've Learned

The relationship that I ended last summer left me in a fragile state. It had been unhealthy for me for a long time; when I look back at things honestly, there were warning signs that I ignored from the very beginning. Because I’d spent a lot of that relationship quashing my dreams and trying to make myself something that he would love, I hadn’t noticed how it was destroying my self-esteem little by little. By the time he delivered some soul-crushing blows during our breakup—I think it’s the only time anyone’s ever called me boring and no fun, and those were far from the worst of it—I believed some of the awful things he said about me.

It probably goes without saying that I wasn’t doing particularly well last August. I recall telling friends that I wasn’t sure how I got out of bed every day, that I did it because it seemed like the only thing to do. I feel pretty confident stating that it was the worst month of my (then) 29 years. I’d realized that I needed to end the relationship, I’d told him to move out, and after that, I had no idea how to pick up the pieces of my life. I wasn’t sure who I was and how to feel like that person again.

Right around that time, I saw someone post on twitter about The Joy Equation, so I thought I’d give it a try. I wanted a way to start connecting with myself again. I think the most telling thing for me was completing the section about my values; it finally clicked that I hadn’t been happy for so long because the life I’d been leading for the previous two years wasn’t in line with any of my values. No wonder I’d been feeling so awful, frustrated, and angry! I stayed in a relationship at first because I hadn’t wanted to be alone, and later because I’d been so torn down by my ex that I didn’t have the confidence to leave. How could that possibly have made me feel anything other than terrible?

I’d love to say that things magically transformed then. Though they didn’t, I slowly began to heal. Things started feeling normal again; I did some traveling. By December, I was ready to make a decision that would dramatically change my life for the better: I enrolled in a 200-hour yoga teacher training.

It’s funny, because I think a lot of people expect yoga teacher training to be about learning to teach yoga. It is, of course, but there’s so much more than that. The teaching part is easier: you need to know the poses, how to adjustment them, and how to sequence them. The biggest—and hardest—part is knowing yourself. How can you hold space for others in a class if you aren’t taking care of you? I had to face some of the scary things that I’d been hiding deep within me for months and even years. There were nights when we’d be practicing together and suddenly, I couldn’t stop crying. I had to learn to let go.

Halfway through teacher training, someone I knew commented that it seemed like I was discovering a lot of things about myself. I replied that I wasn’t finding them—I was remembering. That’s the moment that things started coming together for me; it all started to make sense, and I knew I was ready to make some big changes and work toward living in line with my values.

It’s hard to look back at the past year and see the things that I’ve learned, because I wish I hadn’t needed to conquer those lessons. I’m able to see a lot more clearly now how staying and justifying that relationship was unhealthy for me. I have a much better idea of what is important to me in a relationship; I’ll never again stand for someone who judges my tattoos, someone who wants to stop me from doing things that I love, or someone who wants to change integral parts of my personality. Perhaps most importantly, I’ve remembered how to be alone, and the good that can come of being present with myself.

And in case you’re wondering about those core values that were a wakeup call last summer, they are: connection, bliss, abundance, trust, adventure, courage, magic, and strength. I expect I’ll be exploring those a lot more in this space over the next five months. Though I’ve begun to realign my life to reflect what matters most to me, I’ve got more to learn—and remember.

[photo credit:  me!]

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Comments (21)

21 Responses to “Ending a Relationship: Lessons Learned and Things Remembered”

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 18th, 2011 at 8:32 am

    I absolutely love hearing people's values, so thank you for sharing yours with us. And I know we talked about this a bit through email, but I'm still fascinated by yoga teacher training. It sounds like it was such an empowering experience for you and taught you (to remember) a lot about yourself. That is amazing!

  • HannahD Says:
    September 18th, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Kat, I <3 this post. Raw and honest. Here's to core values being a wake up call! :)

  • Elyse Says:
    September 18th, 2011 at 10:23 am

    Totally agree with Hannah. "Raw and honest" can be scary and thank you for sharing that part of your life with us! Relationships…can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

  • Dusti Arab Says:
    September 18th, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Ending bad relationships is never easy. Thanks for sharing.

    When I left my ex, it took a year of wanting to leave before I finally did. It seems like it's more common than I thought!

  • Kate Says:
    September 18th, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    I truly admire the courage it took you to write this post – to put it all out there in an effort to find some kind of healing for your heart and find a way to move forward in life. Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is admit when we need help, when things aren't working, when we're unhappy, etc. But sometimes the BEST thing we can do is learn to let go.

  • Kat Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 3:52 am

    Thanks, Ashley! And you're so welcome. I love hearing other people's values, too, and it seemed to make sense to include them here. YTT was incredible, no two ways about it. I realized the other night at my goodbye party how much I connected with my classmates; they've really become some of my best friends in the city because of the journey we took together (woo-woo as that sounds). You'll find your right time to go for it, I think!

  • Kat Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 3:53 am

    Thanks, Hannah! When I finished writing, my heart felt torn open, which I figured was a good thing. ;) And yes! Cheers to that! One of those things that we have in common…

  • Kat Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 3:57 am

    Thank you, Elyse. I figured I just had to go for it, you know? And oh yes, relationships…they are an interesting challenge.

  • Kat Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 4:01 am

    Oh, I'm so glad to know I'm not alone in that. I spent a lot of time feeling angry at myself–almost more than I was angry at him–because I stayed for so long. Letting that go is challenging, you know?

  • Courtney Elizabeth Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 6:58 am

    Thank you for sharing. As someone who just went through a necessary breakup, um…2 days ago, it is nice to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

  • KristenCF Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 7:42 am

    Oh Kat- I definitely needed to hear this ( and Dusti's comment too). Thank you so much for your brutal, raw truths here– I keep having these moments of excitement and joy over my new life- followed by moments of pure fear and doubt, and yes, lots of crying. Reading this from you just made me feel so at ease- knowing that the process is normal and that there is proof that coming out the other side if glorious and beautiful. Big hugs to you!

  • Cait Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    My last relationship (which was my first) was somewhat similar to your experience – I was subconsciously trying to fit myself into a mold for my ex. It wasn't until I got into my current relationship that I realized how bad it was and how I wasn't honoring my values.

    I know how you feel when you said "I wish I hadn’t needed to conquer those lessons," but you needed to go through that not-so-awesome experience to (re)discover what you want and need out of life and your relationships.

  • laurenne_s Says:
    September 20th, 2011 at 12:07 am

    WOW! I think that line about remembering was brilliant. Good for you! YOU are not boring! You are about to travel and skip continents! Well, I think you know you're not boring, but I had to tell you anyway. I was JUST debating the yoga teacher training RIGHT before coming to read this. I think you've inspired me to do it starting in January! I'm also so impressed with how much you've already changed since that depressing end of relationship time! You really are inspiring.

  • Kat Says:
    September 20th, 2011 at 5:52 am

    Courtney, thanks for commenting. Seeing that the breakup was necessary is the first step, I think. I'm glad I was able to help show that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a long tunnel, but it ends. Hang in there. <3

  • Kat Says:
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:00 am

    Thanks, Kate. I have to say, writing this post brought up a lot of emotion again, but it also was a really great reminder of what helped and how far I've come. A big hell yeah to letting go, tough as it can be!

  • Kat Says:
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:02 am

    Kristen, it's totally normal! Big hugs to you, too–there's no denying that there will be a lot of positive as well as challenging emotions, but you're doing it. You're getting there.

  • Kat Says:
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:06 am

    Yeah! Awesome! Yoga teacher training was AMAZING; I'm so psyched that you're going to do it! Even if I hadn't decided that I wanted to teach, I would still be happy that I did it. It changed my practice and my outlook on a lot of things (clearly).

    And right? Boring?!

  • Kat Says:
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:09 am

    Cait, I wrote this post so that others reading it would know they weren't alone, and it's funny, because I'm getting a lot of reminders that *I* am not alone in my experience, which is amazing and reassuring. Cheers to us for learning to honor our values; it took some time, but we're getting/got there. <3

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Allowing yourself to open up that way make you incredibly brave!

  • Kat Says:
    September 25th, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Thanks, Erin!

  • My Biological Clock Is Actually a Biological Time Bomb | Stratejoy | Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis through Fresh Strategies for Real Joy Says:
    November 13th, 2011 at 8:02 am

    [...] to me why my biological clock decided to make its grand appearance as I was in the middle of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad breakup. Apparently my body didn’t get the memo that I wanted nothing to do with those of the XY [...]

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