NOW and THEN

posted 28th September 2011    Written by: Laurenne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Laurenne, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5, Spirituality

I dipped my toes in the Russian River this weekend. I traveled to Northern California to celebrate my friend’s upcoming nuptials, and it was set up to be the perfect weekend getaway. There was majestic wilderness. There was good wine and tasty brunches. There was a six-foot blow up penis and a hot tub (I realize this may sound dirty, but the penis was strictly for bachelorette-y purposes). There were twelve girls dishing about girly things. And there was relaxation.

Sort of.

That was the plan. On Friday, I would hand in all my writing assignments and have my life organized so that I could spend the weekend floating on a raft in the green valley of Guerneville, CA. THEN, I would be able to relax. That’s what I had told myself for weeks. “Just deal with this big project, Laurenne, and THEN you will be able to relax on the river.”

The idea that a cool river awaited pulled me through August and popped me into September. And then I was there. I finished every single thing I needed to finish, and I was there.

But I wasn’t relaxed. I was more anxious than ever. In fact, as I floated with my feet dangled into the green river, one of my many thoughts was, “Maybe I need some anxiety meds.”

And then I realized: THEN doesn’t exist. Yet, I keep waiting for it.

I tell myself that I need to color my hair. THEN, I can feel pretty.
Once I publish my book, THEN I can stop trying so hard.
Once I have more money, THEN I can relax.
Once I have a garden, THEN I will be happy with my living situation.
Once this project is over, THEN I will email my friends back.

But I’m perpetuating this agonizing wait. I’m torturing myself by actively NOT appreciating what I have NOW.

I’m always waiting. Waiting for the next. Waiting for more time. Waiting for something better. Waiting to finally be recognized. Waiting to feel successful. Waiting to believe I’m worth it. Waiting for THEN to come. But, as I sat in all that wilderness, wondering about my next projects and what will happen THEN, I realized that THEN will forever loom in front of me if I don’t figure out how to replace her with NOW. I want NOW.

This constant need for more, for THEN, has sparked my ambition. It has served me in the past and it has gotten me here, so THEN isn’t all bad. But NOW is nicer. Now says I am worthy right now, that I am successful now, that I am beautiful now, that I am happy now, that I am comfortable now, that I am in the wilderness surrounded by nature NOW.

I want that. I want NOW.

I’d like to say that it all hit me right there in the wilderness and that I’m suddenly only living in the NOW. But I have a trip to Ikea planned today because I feel like I won’t be comfortable in my apartment until I get new curtains and bedding. So, I’m not quite cured. But I am finally aware of my tendency, and that’s the best I can do.

I’ve always thought it was cheesy when people talked about how life is the journey and not the end result, but, dangit, it’s true. When I look at pictures of college, I think about how much I could have relaxed then, how little I had to worry about, how free I was. But I was worried about THEN too. I didn’t enjoy the fact that I was in college, a crazy time for learning and exploring. I know when I have kids and responsibilities and book signings to attend, I will also look back at this time and think about how free I was, how great life was, how young I looked. I need to enjoy this time for the struggle that it is, marvel at how much I’m doing, really feel the excitement of not having any idea what I’ll be doing in a month.

That’s what’s NOW, and if I let myself feel it, it’s actually pretty nice.

I hope I can also thank myself when I look back at pictures of NOW. I hope I can say “That was the time when I stopped thinking and starting looking around.” Yes, that’s what is going to happen.

After Ikea.


[Photo credit : my friend, Aryan. That's me meditating down there!]

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Comments (14)

14 Responses to “NOW and THEN”

  • HannahD Says:
    September 28th, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    I was JUST thinking this morning, "No matter what time it is, it's always now…that's weird"…guess you were thinking the same! I get stuck in this rut too. I'm constantly looking at what's next…attempting to sink into the now. Glad to know it's not just me! :)

  • Adrienne Says:
    September 28th, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    It's like you read my mind. I'm constantly thinking I'll be happy after I've accomplished this or that. Thank you for reminding me to be happy now.

  • KristenCF Says:
    September 28th, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Maybe it's a female thing- we spend so much time wanting more for ourselves and for situations to be perfect, so we spend time planning and thinking about when things will change, instead of just doing something about it. I know I've got a big list of things I want to get done "when I have time." I should just do one of those things instead of just making the damn list!

  • laurenne_s Says:
    September 28th, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    Yes! I have so many lists! F the lists!

  • laurenne_s Says:
    September 28th, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    Any time! Please remind me too later.

  • laurenne_s Says:
    September 28th, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    It's true. It's always now. That's a good answer next time someone asks what time it is. Also a good way to not make friends.

  • Katie Says:
    September 29th, 2011 at 3:05 am

    Great post on something we all go through. I am still working on this myself. First day of my new meditation completed. It really helped me quiet my mind and just focus on one thing at a time. Focus, most importantly, on how to make me happy today, on how to feel great.

  • Dusti Arab Says:
    September 29th, 2011 at 6:55 am

    Good lord, do I feel for you chica. Living in the present moment is so freaking hard.

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 29th, 2011 at 7:18 am

    This is something I've been struggling with for years. It was especially hard for me when I was in school- "Life will be so much easier when I graduate!"- but it never really works out like that. I think it's awesome that you're aware of how your mind tries to switch to "Then" mode and are working to switch to "Now".

  • Ash Says:
    September 30th, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Great post, huge realizations!

    I really struggle with the "IF/THEN" thought-pattern, too… So much so that it sometimes becomes an excuse: When I was in grad school, I used it as an excuse to defer dealing with the present… Delaying decisions. Or holding out on just loving life as it is, because something "better" was supposedly on its way.

    Hugs and high fives for this post – and for sharing your journey! Love it!

  • Melanie Reno Says:
    September 30th, 2011 at 9:34 am

    I can't relate at all…what on god's green earth are you talking about woman??? JK ;) i am teary now as i write this…i have been going through the same thing and really want NOW too! Side note: this may be the best line ever…."But I have a trip to Ikea planned today because I feel like I won’t be comfortable in my apartment until I get new curtains and bedding. So, I’m not quite cured…..After Ikea."

  • Kat Says:
    October 1st, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Oh Laurenne, I am right there with you! Now that I'm not working my desk job, I'm trying really hard to be in this moment…except there are writing deadlines, and where am I staying when I'm in xyz city, and I have goals to meet so I've got to think ahead, and…and…and… Stupid cycle! I've been trying to leave my THEN thinking for specific times when I'm working, and use the NOW for the rest. We'll see how that goes.

  • OhMyLaskmy Says:
    October 2nd, 2011 at 9:50 am

    LOVE LOVE LOVE this post!!! With extra exclamation points.
    I completely understand what you mean by wanting to be more in the NOW not THEN. I'm trying to live by that myself NOW. It is harder than I thought.

  • Elyse Says:
    October 2nd, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    The future always looks a lot brighter and shinier, I think. I've struggled for years with living in the present moment instead of focusing on how "great" life will be when THIS has happened. Right now, I feel once my Americorps paperwork, student loans, and billing situation gets all worked out THEN I'll feel better. Bullshit! I'm about to go read a book and enjoy a glass of wine on a beautiful, fall evening. I should enjoy the "right now"!

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