Restlessness and Living MY Life

posted 12th September 2011    Written by: Hannah    CATEGORY: Hannah, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5, Travel/Adventure

 

“Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?” – Mary Oliver

I’ve always been restless.  Occasionally even agitated.  Wherever I was, and whatever I was doing, it wasn’t right and I wanted a change.  In high school I couldn’t wait to graduate because I wanted to join the Peace Corps.  As a junior in college I took a nanny job in Philadelphia and moved there for three months just to get away.   The next year I got it in my head that I wanted to go somewhere crazy for the summer.  I managed to find a teaching program in Belize that matched up with my major just enough that I could get credit for it…truth be told, I think I would’ve gone either way.

I hopped on a plane and flew there by myself.  I’d never even been out of the country for more than a day or two.  Twice I’ve gotten the bug again and tried to talk Mister into a long (like, a year long) vacation.  I’ve always wanted to wander, and it is an amazing experience to do so, but I’m starting to realize that the old adage is true.  “No matter where you go, there you are.”  It isn’t where I am that isn’t right.  It’s who.  It’s how.  It’s why.  I’m not restless because I live in Seattle.  I’m restless because I’m not living.  Not MY life anyway.

Several months ago, in an especially large fit of restlessness, I dove head first into the Joy Equation (If you haven’t done it, I HIGHLY recommend it.  And no, Molly doesn’t pay us to say that.).  There is an exercise that asks you to find your core values and match them up with your daily life.  The reality of this hit me. Hard.  Like, knocked me on my ass.  I knew I wasn’t necessarily giving time and energy to the things I love, but I didn’t realize how bad it really was.  I don’t know about you, but none of my top eight core values include stuffing my face, gossiping, complaining about my job, having one too many and spending the whole next day hungover, knowing every last detail about the Bachelor’s life, or pushing refresh on Facebook 20 times an hour.  What they do include are:

So in the spirit of the revelation that I was basically completely ignoring almost all of my core values, I decided to start making some changes:

  1. I reduced my work schedule so that I could have Mondays and Fridays to work on my business and weekends would be my own again.  This was a huge step for me, and a vote of confidence from Mister when he said, “Do it.”
  2. I turned off the tv during my break at work (nap time) and during my work days at home to focus on my values.  “I don’t have time” would no longer be an excuse, and neither would Dr. Phil.
  3. I did a month of daily gratitudes.  During nap time every day I would list (you’ll learn quickly that I LOVE lists) five things I was grateful for and not repeat from any previous day.  Some things were obvious (coffee, cozy blankets, Mister), some things not so much (7-layer bean dip, tutus, and biting my tongue).
  4. I did something creative every day for a month, whether writing, taking photographs, or even just doodling .  I realized this wasn’t as easy as I had expected and that I actually had to make an effort and practice.
  5. I said yes to things I might normally say no to and said no to things I knew I really didn’t want to do (but probably normally would’ve done).
  6. I made a point to have one on one time with some of my girlfriends, and made a deal with Mister to each plan a date once a month and go out and do something together.
  7. I made a list of 30 things I’d like to do while I’m 30.  Things that inspire me.  Nothing mandatory.  Nothing “productive”.  Thirty things that are just “me”.  Thirty things that make me smile just thinking about them.

I was into it.  I was excited.  Life was perking up.  But it’s all written in the past tense for a reason.  I lost focus.  I wanted to make some changes in my life to direct myself towards my values and goals, but hardly any of these changes stuck.   And that’s part of why I’m here writing for Stratejoy.  I need a little accountability when it comes to “being me”.  Before I had no one to keep me from drifting back to my old ways, wasting time on things that I don’t value. So I guess this is me asking you, as you read this, to help me keep the restlessness away.  I’m starting over.  I am confident that if I can build a life that feels good and resonates as “me”, I won’t feel like I need to escape it all the time.   I don’t want to breathe just a little and call it a life.  I want to take full, deep breaths and cultivate habits that are authentic and maybe even a few that make me giddy.  And if I can do that, I will finally be living my life.

What makes you feel like you’re really living??

[Photo Credit: the bus driver in Belize]

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments (34)

34 Responses to “Restlessness and Living MY Life”

  • emr1984 Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Thanks for sharing your values. It is so helpful to see how others go through that Joy Equation exercise. Autonomy totally resonates with me, I was calling it flexibility, but autonomy is a much better word for what I meant too.

  • HannahD Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 8:56 am

    Thanks for reading. Just curious what your other values are? I love hearing where other people are coming from.

  • KristenCF Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 8:56 am

    I love how you parsed out your values and found very definite ways to express them and work towards the life you want. I think it's great that you recognize the process part of it as well- its amazing how quickly and easily we shove aside time for ourself like meditating or journaling in exchange for whatever's on the TV. I LOVE the idea of trying not to repeat things in a gratitude journal back to back- great way to really think about things in life that bring joy.

  • Natalie Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 9:30 am

    I'm trying to "exchange" time spent with the TV, too. It's amazing – I don't even miss it when actively pursuing something I love!

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Keeping focus is always a struggle for me too. I make all these great plans and have awesome intentions, but they only stick for a few weeks. Hopefully we can encourage each other and provide some accountability!

  • Dusti Arab Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 10:40 am

    Dude, my next post is all about lists. I love the 30 things! Here's my list of cool stuff I want to do. http://www.undefinableyou.com/?p=537

    Also, kudos for cutting down on lame work to do your real work. You rock!

  • HannahD Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Too funny! I just started a post all about my list obsession :) Can't wait to read yours! Going to check out your list now!

  • HannahD Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Sooo with you…Accountability is totally key…wish we could have a support group haha!

  • HannahD Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Yay! I know what you mean. Very rarely do I miss it and I'm finding that those are the days that I really NEED to zone out for awhile. Sometimes I over-do myself.

  • HannahD Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 10:57 am

    You'd think that time for ourselves would be one of our first priorities…but I guess we all push ourselves to the back burner most of the time, huh? Working on that………

  • Kat Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 11:16 am

    I totally want to see your 30 things list! I did a 30 before 30 that didn't go over so well for me; I think I was trying to do too much and not have fun with it.

    I really like how you spelled out your values (something I want to do as I restart the Joy Equation soon) and also how you applied them to make some shifts in your day-to-day. Inspiring!

  • HannahD Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 11:48 am

    I want to see yours too!!! Here's mine. I included #1 because I was spending so much time on it I figured I should be able to cross it off. :-) I'll be 31 in February…Still time! What I love most about this list is that none of it makes me cringe like my normal to do lists!

    1. get married – Done July 16th
    2. go on a honeymoon – Leave for Italy Oct 1st!
    3. buy a couch
    4. take a road trip
    5. go on a hot air balloon
    6. go tubing in the snow
    7. go to napa and wine taste – Done in July
    8. try surfing again
    9. zipline
    10. go to some hot springs
    11. visit a college buddy
    12. ride a rollercoaster
    13. go camping
    14. send a care package with a real letter
    15. take a sailing lesson
    16. go on an all day hike
    17. do the Silver Falls loop
    18. take my dad hiking/camping/fishing
    19. throw a party
    20. go somewhere tropical
    21. go on a water slide
    22. go see Matt Nathanson – Done in July
    23. do hot yoga regularly
    24. girls' weekend – Done in April and June, need to do again :)
    25. take a train somewhere
    26. take a portrait of each of my parents
    27. go on a dessert and coffee date
    28. go skinny dipping
    29. spend a whole day writing in a coffee shop
    30. get photos taken of myself and of me/Mister – Me/Mister done in April and July, still need to do my own

  • laurenne_s Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 11:50 am

    I LOVE this!!!!! I think I might have to steal some of your goals. Connection is so important to me, and I feel I have totally lost it these past few years. Putting that on the top! Also, sooooo happy to not know anything about the Bachelor anymore! I got rid of my TV, and it was the best decision ever. I still sometimes stream the Jersey Shore though. Don't tell.

  • laurenne_s Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Oh! And the daily gratitudes… such a great idea! Borrowing that too.

  • laurenne_s Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Oh! And I love all these lists. You guys have inspired me. Starting one right this second.

  • HannahD Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Yay!!!! :) We got rid of cable a couple of weeks ago. SO not missing it (although I will definitely still watch the Biggest Loser when it starts next week. I just can't resist. :-) You should share your list too!!!!

  • laurenne_s Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Yes! There are some shows worth streaming. Have you seen Shark Tank!? So inspiring! I will share my list as soon as I'm done!

  • Kat Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Awesome!! I love this. I'm totally starting my list tonight. Hooray for the 30s!

  • HannahD Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    No! Uh oh, another show to suck me in! :) I'll check it out and can't wait to see your list.

  • Elyse Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    "none of my top eight core values include stuffing my face, gossiping, complaining about my job, having one too many and spending the whole next day hungover, knowing every last detail about the Bachelor's life, or pushing refresh on Facebook 20 times an hour. " YUP! I That about sums it up for me. I discovered my core values through the Joy Equation as well, but sometimes seem like I am at a dead stop or take steps backwards away from honoring those values.

    I DO have a 30×30 list that I enjoyed putting together. I will have to share in a future post! :-)

  • Ash Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Ohmigoodness. I share 6/7ish of your 8 values – same words, same meanings. That's incredible! Kindred spirit… Felt like I was reading my own reactions to the values exercise. Much love, Hannah!

  • HannahD Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Yay! Kindred spirits are the best. What are your values that we don't share? I'm curious if they were the ones I crossed off last when narrowing it down. :)

  • HannahD Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Oooh I want to hear your 30×30! I definitely feel like I'm at a dead stop sometimes too. "Having" to write once a week about me is helping though!

  • Laskmy Says:
    September 12th, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    "I don’t want to breathe just a little and call it a life. I want to take full, deep breaths and cultivate habits that are authentic and maybe even a few that make me giddy." So many of us want just this, but have yet to make actions in doing so. I applaud you, my fair lady. I love reading Stratejoy for reasons just like this one, you ladies are inspiring.

  • Chris Guillot Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 5:26 am

    Thanks for the food for thought! Here my free-spirit list. I enjoyed typing it out.

    - Be a bike rider with basket

    - Open water anything (outrigger, paddle board, surf)

    - Glamp in a teepee

    - Get another tatoo

    - Travel to French Polynesia with hubba hubba (while kiddo is with grandparents)

    - Take a solo vacation or retreat (not the silent type but also not one with forced socializing on the Lido deck)

    - Drive my vintage tab or scamp or trailer (that I find, purchase with my with my own money honey and cuten the nuts out of it)

    - Reaquire certain kid skills (hula hooping, cart wheeling, rolling down grassy hill, stomach spinning around a metal bar)

  • HannahD Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    I was just thinking about how great it is to be surrounded by other people who are searching for authentic joy and happiness (and commenting on Ashley's post saying the same). I don't think the majority of the world realizes it's an option! <3 this tribe for that very reason!

  • HannahD Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Love this! Especially the last one!!! I recently realized that I can, indeed, still hula hoop. I cannot, however, stomach spin around a metal bar. That hurts and I'm way too big! Haha! I need a different bar! I want a tattoo too…hmmmmmmm :)

  • Stephany Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Love this post. I agree on so many levels. I love the idea of making a "30 before 30" list that just makes me SMILE. I think we can get so caught up in doing Big Things with lists like those that it's easy to put them on the back burner.

    This post also makes me really want to start the Joy Equation. I keep putting it aside, to start when I'm "ready".

  • HannahD Says:
    September 13th, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    I can't speak highly enough of the Joy Equation!!! I started it on a total whim and couldn't stop! I've actually done it twice — the 2nd time when I was feeling especially out of touch with where I wanted to be. It didn't take a ton of time either. Please, do it! And let me know what you get out of it :) :) :)

    Totally agree about getting caught up in the big things. That was the whole reason I wrote this list. Needed and purely FUN to do list to go with all the high stakes/high pressure/high priority stuff. :)

  • Jess @JessCantCook Says:
    September 14th, 2011 at 5:44 am

    Love this, I'm actually finishing the Joy Equation this week! I should've been done last week but well….I didn't. I loved the core values exercise but I haven't really put any of the new habits I've identified into action. I really like your list and I know you can stick to it!

  • HannahD Says:
    September 14th, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Thanks Jess! Seriously putting even just ONE habit into action made a difference for me. I don't know how I let them slip so quickly…the part of life that isn't really life gets in the way I think! :) What is one of yours?

  • Ash Says:
    September 22nd, 2011 at 7:37 am

    I gotta admit, it took me a solid two-ish weeks to really solidify my values… I kept circling around and working it out, and I think the end list is something that really resonates deep down….

    My list has ended up being: Authenticity, Courage, Autonomy, Creative Exploration, Playfulness/Whimsy, Space, Connection, and Meaningful Mastery. Originally I had Love (which included my family/friendship), but then that got pulled into "Connection" for me. So, really, I moved "family" into another category to make room for something that needed to make the final cut.

    I found the whole values exercise to be suprisingly difficult, but also an immense relief – to work through the fog and the mud and everything else and come out clean with some solid internal reference points has been a huge step forward. You are so brave to share your process and its implications with the Tribe! Thanks, Hannah!

  • HannahD Says:
    September 23rd, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Oh, yay! I was hoping I'd hear back on this! It took me a long time too and I actually changed the words a little bit when I did the Joy Equation the 2nd time. Now they really really scream "ME" when I read them!

    Wow we really do have VERY similar values! How cool. I love reading other people's and thinking "oh that's interesting, I never would've chosen that one!" However, even the ones you have that aren't on my list would probably have been within a few of the top 8. I especially like your wording "Meaningful Mastery". <3. I had love, family, and intimacy and was going to pull them all into connection, but then decided that family was separate. They're included in connection of course, but also their own value.

    Anyway, thanks for coming back and sharing this! I love knowing other people are on the same page. :)

  • Nandini Says:
    October 7th, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    I have all that you said. Would making friends help

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