Facing My Fears: Toes Dangling Off The Edge

posted 19th September 2011    Written by: Hannah    CATEGORY: All Posts, Hannah, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5

Last month my friend and I cashed in a Groupon for a trapeze class at the School of Acrobatics and New Circus Arts (SANCA).  A step towards Eleanor Roosevelt’s  “Do one thing every day that scares you” philosophy, I suppose.  I’m not really afraid of heights…okay, maybe a little, but nothing debilitating or anything.  But let me tell you, this scared the crap out of me.  It was MUCH more terrifying than I expected.

We started with “ground training” which lasted all of 5 minutes, were put in harnesses, and sent straight up the ladder.  This ladder felt like it was one little wiggle away from laying itself right down flat on the ground, and taking my 5’10” body up it gave it more than just a little wiggle.  I was positive it was going to come crashing down and me with it.  (For the record and SANCA’s credibility, it was well stabilized and definitely wouldn’t have fallen.)

Once I got to the top there was my spotter.  She’s the one who hooks you into your ropes, tells you to hang your toes over the edge of a very high platform, helps you catch the bar and tells you “Ready, hup!” (Hup = do something absolutely terrifying like leap off a giant tower).  It’s scary enough by itself, but my spotter could not have been more than 5 feet tall and 100 pounds soaking wet.

She grabbed the back of my harness (about the equivalent of grabbing onto the back of your pants), pulled the bar up to me and told me to lean forward and hold onto it with one hand.  You really don’t expect it, but those bars are HEAVY!  They pull you forward.  She holds you back.  No offense to this chick at all, but I did NOT trust her to keep me from landing face first in the net (“At least there’s a net. At least there’s a net.  At least there’s a net.”) My heart was pounding in my ears.  I could barely hear anything.  My hands were shaking and clammy.  I seriously doubted that my grasp on this bar was actually going to hold especially if I had my entire body weight tugging on it.  Letting go with my other hand to get a good grip on that bar was one of the scariest things I can remember doing.  “Ready? Hup!” (“Holycrapholycrapholycrap!”) And then, I was FLYING (through the air with the greatest of ease…Or something like that.) And let me tell you…What a feeling.

So here’s the big question: If I can let go with both hands, trust a total stranger, and leap off a 23 foot platform, why can’t I trust myself?

I know I have the knowledge, drive, ability, and passion to make a creative business for myself.  Even better, I’m well on the way to doing so…so what’s holding me back?  Why am I right on the edge of something awesome and holding back? Why am I still working 30 hours a week as a nanny and attempting to run my business in my “spare” time?  “Paralyzing fear,” I think would be the right phrase. Fear of making the jump, maybe. How can I move through the sheer terror that would be quitting my job (i.e. reliable income) and come out the other side in one piece?  I’m lucky to have an amazingly supportive husband, family, and group of friends who encourage me in every step I take towards the life I want to be living.  So what’s the hang up?  What am I waiting for?  What exactly is it that I’m afraid of?  Besides falling face first in the net (“At least there’s a net.”).

With the trapeze it’s all about timing.  You have to make your big moves in just the right part of the swing or your trick won’t work, but at some point, toes dangling off the edge…

…you just have to leap.  And fly.

[photo credit: my friend Leigh]

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Comments (16)

16 Responses to “Facing My Fears: Toes Dangling Off The Edge”

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Love this metaphor, Hannah! It can be so scary to let go and just jump, but know that we are here supporting you as your #1 fans. And don't forget, there's totally a net. :)

  • laurenne_s Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Dammit! This is totally what I have been thinking lately. I was in Sonoma this weekend at a bachelorette party, filled with anxiety the whole time. Even though I HAVE quit my job and have taken the leap, I am still filled with paralyzing fear. WHEN WILL IT GO AWAY?! Does it ever go away? Why can't we just trust ourselves? That is such a good question. Please, tell me when you find the answer because I REALLY need it.

  • KristenCF Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 8:56 am

    I did trapeze a few years ago with some friends- and I've never been afraid of heights, but yes, when you get up there, even though there is a net, there is this totally crazy feeling of what if I fell. I had so many issues doing the catch and after almost a whole day of trying, finally got it on my last try. The whole act of letting go and letting my body guide me was freeing– but was something totally new. I definitely was overanazlying everything instead of just listening to the spotter and the catcher. Definitely so many life lessons and metaphors there.

    Also– did your body hurt in places you didn't know existed that night and the day after? I loved the trapeze but ouch was I sore the day after!

  • Cait Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 10:14 am

    This is a great metaphor – taking the leap is one of the hardest parts. The first time I went snow tubing, it terrified me because the hill was just so steep. My friend and I promised each other we'd try it just once, then go back to the resort. But after getting over our fear and going down the hill that first time? We were hooked.

    I'm the same way with my life, in that I hesitate a LOT before actually going through with something scary. I'm currently stuck in one of those "paralyzing fear" situations. Sometimes it's hard to remember that making that first leap is usually worth it, and that even if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world.

  • HannahD Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 11:50 am

    Thanks Ashley!!! Thank GOD there's a net! :-P

  • HannahD Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 11:52 am

    I know right? We know ourselves better than we know other people…we trust them! Why can't we trust ourselves? SO FRUSTRATING!!!! I sure hope it goes away. Maybe if you start trusting yourself on little teeny things first and then gradually get bigger? I'm so happy for you that you've taken the leap…I need to get the guts……….

  • HannahD Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 11:53 am

    Oh man, I was too nervous to over-analyze. I just did what they said when they said it! Maybe that's the problem with trusting myself, there's no one to tell me what to do but me! :)

    OMG I WAS SO SORE!!!!!! In the weirdest places. And I had an enormous scrape/bruise on the back of my leg from trying to get it over that damn bar haha! So much fun though.

  • HannahD Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 11:54 am

    It's not the end of the world is such a huge statement. I'm currently going through laying out EXACTLY what the worst case scenario would be if I failed…and you know, it's all livable stuff. Not ideal of course, but I could get through it. Interesting when you lay it out like that.

  • Abby Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 11:56 am

    As cheesy and Gaga as it sounds, I have felt "on the edge of glory/greatness/kick ass" for several months and I have a great opportunity in front of me to fall over the edge and be successful. And it scares the crap out of me. They say the first step is always the hardest. Good luck with taking your first step and I am also adding "take a trapeze class" to my bucket list.

  • HannahD Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    DO IT!!! Stupid trapeze class was so scary, but totally exhilarating. I highly recommend it!

    Also, DO IT. Go kick ass! Embrace your glory/greatness! I'll do it if you'll do it. :)

  • Dusti Arab Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    O.M.G. I would have peed myself. Go you and being awesome.

  • Chris Guillot Says:
    September 19th, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    That's a great question – why can't we trust ourselves? What are we afraid of? My two irrational adult fears (that most adults have a handle on) have been biking and driving. I'm taking on both and it feels great. What was I afraid of?

    But the big questions, like the questions we're asking ourselves, are high-risk and unique experiences. I guess all that I've learned in the last few weeks is to recognize when my wheels are spinning or when I'm spiraling in a bad way then cut bait and enlist help. Then I move on.

    Keep flying, Hannah! You're full of style.

  • HannahD Says:
    September 20th, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    I almost did :)

  • HannahD Says:
    September 20th, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    Isn't it funny that almost everything you're scared of eventually you say, "Oh, what was I afraid of?" if you face it? I keep picturing you riding around the parking lot on your bike ringing your bell :)

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:48 am

    I think I would have freaked out…

  • Kat Says:
    September 30th, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    I love this post! You are awesome for giving the trapeze a go, and you are extra awesome for taking the leap with your business. You're going to rock that. Trust yourself.

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