Death By List

posted 14th October 2011    Written by: Kristen    CATEGORY: Kristen, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Season 5, What I've Learned

A few weeks ago I wrote of my desire to be a person who does things and goes after them. On purpose I didn’t make specific goals because I frequently bite off more than I can chew in life. I get super pumped and excited for opportunities and take on new things. Recently, it’s been freelance writing for various small academics pursuits, pro bono research for a small historical society, and of course, separating my life and getting my house in order. Added to my normal workload which is starting to ramp up more, and trying to kick start a social life, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and seeing why setting specific goals should have been my goal!
I hate to even say that I’m feeling overwhelmed because these are all awesome opportunities that I have been looking for and am so happy to be doing.  So it seems silly to complain about all the things going on in life. And of course, a lot of them, like the separation of stuff, are temporary (and it’s only stuff!).

I went on vacation to California to spend time with my aunt and get away for a bit. I came back so excited- I made a huge list of things to accomplish, tasks to complete, things to keep my eye on to buy on sale, etc. I was full of promise! I was going to plan meals every week! I was going to go throw all the items in the attic! Instead I came home from my first day back at work and took a two hour nap followed by watching junk on television.

Part of the problem is, I love lists. I used to plan out the hours of the day by where and what I would be doing. I knew it was getting to be an issue when I would write things like: 430-530: travel home from work. Like I had to remind myself that I would be driving in the car at that time!?! For a good while I stopped making lists altogether, allowing myself only a grocery list, which I justified as a money and sanity saving measure ( the one time I went sans list I came out with $80 worth of food except for the few things I actually really needed). With all the change happening in life right now, I re-instituted list making to try to appear organized and on top of life. But when I have a night when I don’t do anything after work but watch TV and eat leftovers, I feel myself feeling guilty, frustrated, and overwhelmed at sitting around and all the things I should be doing. Instead of just complaining about it, I should either just do something about it or own the fact that I decided to be lazy.

I’ve tried really hard to be less rigid and scheduled- it was really scary at first and I must admit that with moments of crazed frustration, all I want to do is make another long list from the all the small lists ( seriously can you see what a vicious cycle this is?). Doing a brain dump is often the best way for me to get over this, but at the same time, depending on my mindset, it can be counterproductive because random things like “look into cork floor for kitchen” end up on the list, which is silly since that’s a dream house item and has no place being on the same list as ‘‘pick up prescription.’ A brain dump is good to get the cobwebs out and try to find some clarity but I’m struggling to keep a handle on everything. I don’t know why I think I have to keep it all together. If there was ever a free pass in life to forget to do laundry or buy cleaning supplies, I think this would qualify under that life crisis column. But with so much disorder around me, I’m trying to create something that makes sense.

I would like to hope this soon will pass and as my new normal enters, I’ll be filled with clarity again, but I’m learning that I need to start saying no to some things. I was thinking for a while that having a busy social life and various things on my project list would provide me with the outlets I needed to get over the divorce, but since I’m still in the thick of it, I think I skipped about ten steps ahead and need to stop and focus on me. I know I need to relax, nest a bit on me, my house, and my life. So here is my specific goal for the next few months: I need to give myself a break- feeling guilty about not being productive on things like cleaning the bathroom is ridic because spending time on me to JUST BE is the most productive thing I can ever do.

[Photo Credit: My photo of the dizzying array of lists and plans]


 

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Comments (11)

11 Responses to “Death By List”

  • erin Says:
    October 14th, 2011 at 8:38 am

    first of all, loved the post… its the first of yours that I've read, and I'm looking forward to reading more. Secondly… You're from SOMERSET??? I live right over the Brightman St bridge!!! And I'm looking at houses in the somerset, swansea area. So cool! I've never met a blogger who was sooooo close!
    Can't wait to read mroe Kristen and so happy to have "found" you on here!

  • Abby Says:
    October 14th, 2011 at 10:37 am

    As a fellow list lover, I completely understand where you are coming from. I tried keeping actual to-do items and dream items on the same list and it only ended in failure every single time I tried it. I found myself diving up my lists into the day-to-day stuff and long-term stuff. Brain dumps are essential so you can make room for other things. And having long term goals written down somewhere can help you keep your eye on the ball. As for taking time for yourself, you deserve it and you should do it. My best friend is currently going through a divorce and taking time to focus on herself and making her house her home have been an important part of the healing process.

    Finally, the best part about making lists is that you can change them at any time. And since there is no official "list score" no one is watching to make sure you cross everything off your list and you don't get any extra points for it either.

  • Carrie Says:
    October 14th, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    list love here too and i totally have drive home from work as a repeating event on my calendar.

  • laurenne_s Says:
    October 14th, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    I have a friend who helps organize people's closets and time. (I interviewed her for next week!). She was telling me about a client who hadn't scheduled any time for fun in his week, not even weekends. I was like, "Yeah, me neither. Every minute is an opportunity to do something on my list."
    And she was shocked!
    She said it's a must or we'll go insane!!!!
    So let's keep it going, girlfriend. We don't want to be 'ridic.' Have a very relaxing weekend!

  • KristenCF Says:
    October 14th, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Yay blog friend nearby!

  • KristenCF Says:
    October 14th, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Abby- thanks so much for this. I definitely need to figure out what on the list is longterm and what's for right now– and not feel guilty if I throw them all out either!

  • KristenCF Says:
    October 14th, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    I'm currently in my PJs watching movies drinking tea with no sign of a list anywhere near me :) A good start to the weekend that has no list ( other than pick up my drycleaning before they sell it!) Enjoy your weekend too lady!

  • Najela Says:
    October 15th, 2011 at 12:27 am

    http://www.spring.org.uk/2011/01/how-to-commit-to…

    I found this amazing site about committing to goals. I always have lists, but I never follow them. I'm always fantasizing and never doing. and it's time to make a change. Your post inspired me to get active, thanks. Good luck to you to living your life to the fullest,plan or no plan.

  • HannahD Says:
    October 15th, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Kristen, I had a post half-done that is SO similar to this that I just decided to scrap it! :) The only thing I'd add is that I find that making a list is sometimes an excuse not to do the things I'm putting on it…and I've definitely been know to write "write to do list" on my to do list…just so I can cross something off! :)

    Also, I keep sticky notes and a pen by my bed for the middle of the night random brain dumps!

    So glad to be home. Missed the tribe!! :)

  • KristenCF Says:
    October 15th, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Thanks for the link! Today I successfully knocked off 8 items from my to-do list- I feel like a champion tonight ( and am also exhausted). Hope you rock everything you want to do in life, big and small :)

  • KristenCF Says:
    October 15th, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    I will admit to having a small notepad and pen in my car for all the random things that enter my mind while I commute. I think all of us creative thinkers, dreamers, and ladies who want more out of life have lists because our brains are brimming with so much and we have to get it out somehow.
    Can't wait to see all the amazing pics from Italy :)

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