Little Girl, New World

posted 21st October 2011    Written by: Kristen    CATEGORY: Kristen, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5, What I've Learned

My Quarter Life Crisis brought with it a serious self-image problem.

Before the QLC, my lively, optimistic attitude came through in whatever I was doing. The QLC lessened that greatly and made severe self-doubt and indecisiveness my middle name. It was hard to make decisions about anything in life. It was exhausting not just because I knew I was changing and that I didn’t like what I was changing into, but more importantly,  I was so awesome and on top of things while at work that I felt like I was living two different lives. Work Kristen couldn’t figure out how to make at-home Kristen a rock star too.

Now that I’m figuring out what I want for life, I’m still really uncomfortable, unsure, and painfully filled with self-doubt at times. I see people my age or younger who seem to have it all together. They have great jobs, awesome wardrobes, fun and impeccably decorated homes, and go to brunch on Sundays.  Even though I have the great job and somewhat decent wardrobe, I still feel a little like Jennifer Garner in Thirteen Going on Thirty- the little girl who is pretending at the adult table and playing house.

I sort of have a multiple personality issue when it comes to my self-confidence it seems.

It really is sort of strange in that regard because at work, I know that I’m on top of my game. I will admit a bit of a self-confidence issue when it comes to speaking up to propose a new idea (though I can be quite vocal against bad ideas and with my opinion) and I have definite confidence issues when it comes to networking. I don’t speak up because I doubt what I have to say is interesting or will come out articulated the way it sounds in my head. At conferences and workshops, I know how important it is to network and make connections within the field, but I’m not great at that first comment or saying hello to a stranger, though once introduced I can usually talk shop with just about anybody.

I’m great at public speaking and feel confident doing it- in fact in high school and college, I was on the debate team, winning awards and going to nationals. But I don’t really like being the center of attention. At the annual exhibition opening when the executive director mentions me, I usually want to hide beneath the furniture. I didn’t want to open presents at my bridal shower because I hated everyone looking at me and judging my reaction (I also have other issues with bridal showers but that’s a whole other topic!) This past spring I was on a local morning television show promoting my exhibit and have to this day, never watched the entire segment all the way through.  I spent almost the entire first semester of grad school thinking they made a mistake in accepting me and that I didn’t belong.

My sense of self and who I am came to a bit of a realization last night when I realized I now live alone. In a house that I own by myself. I’ve never lived alone. I’m 28 years old and finally don’t have to share a bathroom with someone, can blare any music I want, and don’t have to ask for another opinion on curtain colors. It’s so exciting- and terrifying too. Can I take care of and maintain a house on my own (a historic one, no less)? A brief cry and freak out moment was followed by talking with a friend who said, “Kristen, you’ve been doing it on your own for a while now.” And it’s true.

So here I am now, realizing that I am fabulous on a number of levels.  I’m working on finding ways to boost my self-confidence: writing, going out and trying new things, meeting new people, asking colleagues to introduce me to people at conferences, and making decisions on my own. Basically realizing that I’m 28 years old, not thirteen, and that I can do or not do whatever I want—obvious I know, but to me and my nagging self-doubt, it’s empowering and really exciting .

Already in a short period of time, I’m feeling more aware and joyful. I’m not jumping back into the dating pool any time soon because I’ve started a new relationship with someone I’ve known for a long time and lost touch with a few years ago—me.

[Photo Credit: Home Management Houses, Iowa State University]

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Comments (14)

14 Responses to “Little Girl, New World”

  • HannahD Says:
    October 21st, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Yay Kristen! It seems like the relationship with yourself is often the first one to go…which is kind of frustrating since you're the only one who is ALWAYS around! I'm so happy you're feeling joyful! What color curtains did you choose? :)

  • Beckles Says:
    October 21st, 2011 at 8:43 am

    I'm right there with you on the networking thing. That's part of why I haven't *really* started looking for a new job. There are other factors, but I feel like "Why would they pick me? What if I say something stupid? etc"

    I'm glad you're feeling more joyful! It seems like you're in a whole other place since our calls earlier this year. Congrats!

  • KristenCF Says:
    October 21st, 2011 at 8:52 am

    They are a purple/maroon with a faint red and white horizontal stripe- I promise pics to come once things get more settled.

  • Stephany Says:
    October 21st, 2011 at 11:01 am

    I feel like I could have written this post. I can completely understand where you're coming from and I'm glad to hear you're rediscovering yourself. That's always the most important relationship. :)

  • Courtney Elizabeth Says:
    October 21st, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Thank you for this! I'm frustrated with the feeling that the "at home" me is, in a word, lame. Time to rekindle my relationship with myself!

  • Ag Says:
    October 21st, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Beautiful! Just from reading your posts, I (a stranger) can feel (know!) you have your own rhythm. Make that rhythm work for you! Love that rhythm. Let the rhythm dance into all parts of your life. <3 Ag

  • KristenCF Says:
    October 22nd, 2011 at 5:33 am

    It's definitely hard to put ourselves out there, huh? But you should totally stretch yourself Becky to find something new that you love- you're awesome& I'll keep reminding you :)

  • KristenCF Says:
    October 22nd, 2011 at 5:33 am

    Hope you're rocking some self love with yourself too– why is it we always neglect ourselves?

  • KristenCF Says:
    October 22nd, 2011 at 5:35 am

    It's ok for "at home" you to be lame sometimes– though I doubt you are! The nights staying in watching movies in PJs starting at 5pm are just as important and needed sometimes as the nights out in sparkly heels with the girls :) However you want to live your life is up to you, just own and love it :)

  • KristenCF Says:
    October 22nd, 2011 at 5:36 am

    Oh thanks so much for that– love "let the rhythm dance into all parts of your life." xoxo

  • superawesomeashley Says:
    October 22nd, 2011 at 5:40 am

    I love that you're putting yourself first and rediscovering your relationship with YOU. I know it's cheesy, but I really believe the relationship you have with yourself is the most important one you have.

    We need to start planning to see if we can meet up when I'm in Boston in three weeks!

  • KristenCF Says:
    October 22nd, 2011 at 8:12 am

    (Squeal of joy) YES! I'll make my schedule work to fit yours :)

  • Kat Says:
    November 1st, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    It feels SO GOOD to connect with yourself again, doesn't it? I feel that all clicking together as I read your posts, and I'm super psyched for you. (Also, once you redecorate, you've got to post photos!)

  • erin Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Why is it that we don't put ourselves first? I think what you're doing is awesome, and finding yourself is so huge and important and great! I'm looking at a house in your neck of the woods in the next few days and I am so excited! (Well, your neck of the woods meaning over the bridge, lol… not literally near you, because 1- i don't know your proximity and 2-that would be soooo creepy if i did).

    Keep up the hard, but awesome work- which is getting to know yourself.

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