Self-Love. What a concept!

posted 2nd November 2011    Written by: Laurenne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Laurenne, Life Lesson, What I've Learned

I’ve done a few silent meditation retreats in my life. Each time I’ve learned so much about who I am. With nothing but time to listen to my thoughts, I really got to see how harmful they can be. They weren’t nice. They told me that I’m not good enough. They told me I am ugly and weird and totally inferior (My thoughts are pretty rude.).

At my first Vipassana retreat in Australia, I listened to these mean thoughts for days. Eleven days. Eleven silent days. Finally, when I got a private moment with a monk to work through my process, he asked me if I loved myself. I burst into tears and accidentally threw a pen at his head. Of course, my thoughts hated me for that. I spent the rest of the retreat thinking myself an asshole. But the monk didn’t bat an eye. He sat staring at me lovingly through the silence until the end. I guess he’s used to dodging pens.

That was in January of 2009. At that point, I could not even fathom Self-Love. How could I love myself? Gross. Me? I was weird. And not as good as most other people. Love? No way. Then I spent nine months traveling and thinking about that. By the end of my trip, I had successfully completed another eleven days of silence with no pen problems and less harmful thoughts. I was getting somewhere!

After starting school for spiritual psychology, I came to realize that Self-Love is just as important as air. My lack of it had completely controlled my life up until then. It affected every relationship, job, and communication. How could I expect a man to love me if I didn’t love myself? It sounds cliche, but when I looked back at my relationships, I realized that I had bent over backwards in every single one– thinking that I needed to be MORE than myself in order to be loved back. I didn’t love myself how I was, so I was convinced I had to give more.

Oh.

Self-Love! What a concept. I’ve spent so much time since then cultivating that. And now I do love myself. I even love my body, which took me a LOOOONG time! A long time. A really long time. I spent probably 24 of my 31 years worrying about every little inch of it. Now, after accepting my body how it is, I realize that I’m lucky to have it just as it is. Now I’m naked every chance I can get (not in public)! Hooray! My body!

This is where I hit a road block though. Society doesn’t like people who love themselves. If you post a picture of yourself in a bikini on Facebook, it’s narcissistic. If you tell people how great you’re doing, you’re bragging. Imagine telling a guy on a first date, “I’m so beautiful inside and out.” I doubt it would go well.

Isn’t that crazy? Self love is looked down upon! WHAT?! No wonder it took me so long to find it. One of the most important parts of life is not accepted in our society!

When I sat down to write this post, it was going to be a love letter to myself. Ashley published one here a few weeks ago, and it inspired me. I thought this would be a perfect forum for me to profess my new love as well. And so I started it. And I wrote it. And then the thought of sharing it made me uncomfortable. I can tell myself all the good things about myself, but there is some societal rule that creeps in and tells me I shouldn’t “brag.” I don’t like that. I want society to change. I want people to exclaim from the hills that they’re beautiful. I want it to be acceptable to post a picture of our bodies if we love them. It’s a feat to love your body, dammit! I want us to be allowed to revel in our pride without it being avant guard. Come on!

But we are where we are. And I’m here, writing about how hard it is to publish a love letter to myself rather than the letter itself. It’s okay. Little by little. In the meantime, I am posting a picture of me in a bikini. Because I am proud– not of my body but of my ability to love it. I used to measure my pasta and count every calorie. I’ve come a long way. And boy, do I love that about myself.

Bookmark and Share
Comments (17)

17 Responses to “Self-Love. What a concept!”

  • KristenCF Says:
    November 2nd, 2011 at 8:33 am

    You should totally proclaim your self love and love letter to the world- it's not bragging- it's saying " I'm important and putting myself first is MOST important." I've started and stopped with the love letter to myself a few times because like you for so long, I listen to the inner critics instead of embracing the fabulousness. Woo to you for coming the self love– and huge props for you to be able to post a pic of you in a bikini :)

  • emr1984 Says:
    November 2nd, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    This could not have come at a better time. I'm recently out of my most serious relationship to date and the message I keep hearing is self-love. I completely identify with your comment about thinking you need to be more because you don't love your self. I'm slowly starting to work on loving myself and am excited to see where it leads. thanks for posting bravely!

  • Jo W Says:
    November 2nd, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    You are an inspiration and 100% LOVE, thank you for sharing beautiful you, all light.

  • Marthe Says:
    November 3rd, 2011 at 4:23 am

    Great post! I love how you reflect on how this is not exxepted by society, and I truly agree, it's sad, but it isn't.

    I'm not there yet (not even close), but I'm learning to like myself slowly and steadily. I don't think I would be able to stay 11 days in silence, but I'm trying to give myself 5 minutes, 10, 20.

    Thank you so much for being an inspiration! And hey, you look great!

  • Dusti Arab Says:
    November 3rd, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Loved this, Laurenne. And be proud of your bod in that bikini! You're smoking hot. :)

    It's funny how society sends such mixed messages. We're encouraged to be modest, which makes us prudes or virginal, and at the same time encouraged to bear all – regarding clothing and our confidence. Your story is so beautiful – pen throwing and all.

  • ELIZA Says:
    November 3rd, 2011 at 8:26 am

    YES YES YES LOVE YOU

  • MELISSA COSTELLO Says:
    November 3rd, 2011 at 11:42 am

    YOU ARE AH-MAZING! THANK YOU FOR THIS AND FOR SHARING THE LOVE THAT YOU ARE! IT INSPIRES LOVE IN ME! XOXOXO

  • Brigid Makiri Says:
    November 3rd, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    How fabulous that you now know how fabulous you are. when I look back at myself in a bikini I feel sad that I didn't see how perfect I was — I only saw the imperfections. I no longer wear a bikini but I have been brave enough to go the beach and swim in the ocean a few times this summer — And I went paddle boarding. Saw "The Way" last night and am now determined to do that! Looking forward to seeing you tonight.

    Love, Brigid

  • Kat Says:
    November 3rd, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Dude, I know you emailed me about this retreat, too, and now reading this, I think that needs to be my first (or maybe second – gotta see the family!) stop in Australia. Because self-love…well, I'm getting there, but I'm not nearly as there as I want to be. As in, I relate so much to this, because hey, I think we all do.

    Point is, vipassana, I think we're going to have a go at it, you and me.

  • Karen Retardo Says:
    November 3rd, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    Laurenne I LOVE IT. I'm gonna share this. Truly inspiring and created that space inside me to love myself MORE : ) xoxoxo

  • laurenne_s Says:
    November 6th, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    Yes! Go! Oh man, it was so life-changing. If not in Australia, in Thailand at Suan Mokh. Is that on your path too? That one might be better. Less spiders. Did I tell you about the spiders? Uh, there are spiders. But if you have family in Australia, you might already know about them. They're bigger than your hand. Anyway, so, yes…. meditating is great.

  • laurenne_s Says:
    November 6th, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    Hi Karen! Thank youuuuu! You have every right to love yourself more! You are amazing and your body is great too! See you SOON!

  • laurenne_s Says:
    November 6th, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    Girrrrrl! You betta put on that bikini. Your body is still perfect.

  • laurenne_s Says:
    November 6th, 2011 at 10:31 pm

    WOW! Thanks. I love to know that I'm inspiring love. Thanks, Melissa!!

  • laurenne_s Says:
    November 6th, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    Thank you! Society is so damn weird. I almost give up. But not really.

  • laurenne_s Says:
    November 6th, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    LOVE YOU!

  • laurenne_s Says:
    November 6th, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    Good for you! We give our love to so many people but rarely ourselves. But it's not like there's a finite amount! Let's give that shizzz to ourselves too. We deserve it. And if you're just leaving a relationship, this is the perfect time for self-nuturing and realizing how great you really are. Please keep me posted.

Leave a Reply

name*


email* (will not be published)


website


comments