I choose joy.

posted 14th December 2011    Written by: Laurenne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Job/Career/Work, Laurenne, Life Lesson

Right after college, I went to grad school in Miami. I lived right on South Beach for a whole year. And then I had a year full of internships in London, Sao Paulo, New York, and San Francisco. What an opportunity, you’d think. You’d think I must have spent time on the beach or learning Portuguese. A friend recently posted a photo album on Facebook from that time. It was a celebration of people and beaches and parties and youth!

I wasn’t in any of those pictures.

Everyone in those pictures took time out from studying to laugh and partake in the occasional youthful hangover. Not me. Nope. I was determined to get a job. I saw grad school as a place to get better, to study, to learn and only to learn. I wanted money. I wanted to not be poor anymore. I wanted to be established. I wanted wanted. Seeking. Seeking. Never happy with the present moment. Never stopping to realize: HEY! I’m YOUNG AND HAVE NO WORRIES AND GREAT TITS!

My whole life has been filled with doing. Doing has always led to some reward or validation. That’s because the doing has always been coupled with heaps of seeking. Seeking. Seeking. Doing. Seeking. Once I made a ring out of gold wire. I immediately made ten more and started a jewelry business. It’s not in my nature to do something that does not come with some reward in the end. I’ve never been able to simply have fun for no reason at all.

I did get a job right out of grad school. And the minute I got that job, I realized I wanted to be a writer. I’ve been writing ever since. I sit in cafes til midnight. I miss out on friends’ birthdays. I go days without changing my clothes. Wanting. Wanting. Seeking. Seeking.

I don’t want to live my life with a constant carrot dangling in front of me. I’ll never get it. I want to be in more pictures. I want to be more spontaneous. I want to make choices based on what I really want, not what I feel I need to do to find success.

One of the assignments at my spiritual psychology school is to partake in self-nurturing activities. You can nurture your mind, your body, or your spirit. At first I got a manicure. I’ve been meditating. Then I thought the most nurturing activity for me would be something done strictly for the purpose of having fun. NO OTHER REASON. I wanted to do something that would not require networking. Something that didn’t involve getting my name out there. Something that didn’t make me think about how I could turn it into something that would get me money, success, more, more, more.

I chose a trapeze class. A TRAPEZE!

I flew! I flew into the air toward the Pacific Ocean, trusting a strange man to catch me.
And he did! And I flew again.

And you know what I thought about when I came down? I wondered how I could quit everything else and make trapeze my full-time career. That’s just how my mind works!

But I stopped it right there. And I flew again. And it was joyful and rich and amazing. And I felt for maybe the first time what it is like to truly have fun without any other expectation. Without thinking about my to-do list or whether or not I left the curling iron on or bla, bla, bla, thinking thinking thinking.

I simply flew. I smiled. I felt uninterrupted joy. And I realized that that’s what I want my life to be about. More of that. That’s what’s important. If I had a choice between that joy and having a successful career filled with stress and a constant search for validation, I’d choose the joy. I’d choose the option that doesn’t let me think about the future, the option that doesn’t base my worth on the exterior.

Or, I might just run away to the circus.

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Comments (5)

5 Responses to “I choose joy.”

  • Sandra Berry Says:
    December 14th, 2011 at 5:09 am

    Wow! Great, great, great!

  • KristenCF Says:
    December 14th, 2011 at 5:44 am

    So so proud of you for allowing yourself to let go and JUST BE in the moment, basking in the joy. The smile on your face in that photo is so awesome- you should totally frame it and have it in a place where it can remind you to have fun, be silly, and do what you want! xoxo

  • HannahD Says:
    December 14th, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Oh my gosh, we are so much alike. I <3 you! (And I wish my trapeze photo looked anything like that!!! :) )

  • 2011: a year of planking and dead people! Says:
    December 29th, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    [...] I scored a new column on KCET and today I am on Tiny Buddha! I shot a video for Funny or Die! I’m in the middle of trapeze school and considering running away to be in the circus. For real. (anything to get away from cubicles). Most of all, I’ve learned to really enjoy [...]

  • Just Say It. | Stratejoy | Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis through Fresh Strategies for Real Joy Says:
    January 18th, 2012 at 2:10 am

    [...] still might join the circus or shave my head, but at least I’ll do it honestly. I definitely have that [...]

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