Archive

Looking Forward

posted 26th December 2011    Written by: Hannah    CATEGORY: All Posts, Hannah, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5

Looking back on 2011 is a little bit overwhelming.  I planned my wedding, got married, quit one of my jobs, went on a mini-moon, went to Italy on our honeymoon, completely changed the focus of my business, developed some new friendships, and had a really fun year with some old friends too.  I also, for the first time, got a really solid grip on who I am, what I want, and where I want to be.  This was the year of full speed ahead!  It’s no wonder I’m writing this on Christmas morning and I’m exhausted!

Through the Holiday Council Molly hosted, we spent a lot of time working on our theme for 2012.  I never really pinned down last year’s theme, and I felt at times that I lacked focus.  So this year, it was really important to me that I figure it out.  To have a guiding phrase when I’m stuck in a decision or trying to push forward.

I started listing words and kept seeing things like productive, creative, effective, innovative, big steps, focused, forward-thinking and inspired.  What I really pulled from the words that stood out to me was that I really want to make progress in 2012, but in an effective way.  I don’t want to waste time.  I don’t want to spend twice as long doing something as I need to and end up writing for a deadline on Christmas morning.  I want to work really hard when I should be working, and then set my work down when it’s time to play and be with my friends and family.  I also want to make bit steps forward in 2012.

I keep telling…well, everyone, that 2012 is MY YEAR.  I’m going to make some huge strides in my business, in my creative life, and with my family.  I’m going to do big things, see big things, make big things…but “big things” is not my theme.  I don’t want to be so focused on progress that I forget to enjoy it.  Or so intent on getting things done that I lose creativity.

Recently I read or heard or made up (I can’t remember!) the phrase, “I will not be more loyal to my fears than to my dreams”.  This has really stuck with me and I find myself saying it all the time.  Am I afraid of failure?  Afraid of success?  Afraid of change?  Afraid to do the work?  That’s fine, but that’s not more important than achieving my goals and living my dreams.  I will NOT be more loyal to my fears than to my dreams! 

I thought that maybe this was my theme…but it wasn’t sitting quite right.  It’s more of a mantra, I think.  The negative connotation of the word “fear” in my theme was bugging me.  So I let it sit a little longer.

And then I woke up in the middle of the night.  “Effective.”  That’s it.  Just “effective”.  It doesn’t need to be fancy or long or eloquent.  My theme just needs to suit my vision for the year.  Effective is my theme for 2012.  I’m going to accomplish big things without being more loyal to my fear than to my dreams…Effectively.  I’m not going to waste working time playing or playing time working.  So there it is.

Do you have a theme for 2012??

[Photo Credit: JMaz Photo]

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Blue, Blue Christmas

posted 26th December 2011    Written by: Kat    CATEGORY: All Posts, Kat, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5, Travel, Travel/Adventure

I didn’t think this would be as hard as it is.

I’ve drafted countless posts about why I decided to spend the holidays in Europe, about not sticking with my plan to arrive in Australia in time to spend Christmas with my cousins there, about my family’s holiday traditions. I’ve been trying to slap a smile on my face about spending my first Christmas away from my parents and my brother. Everything that I’ve written so far felt false, and that’s not why I’m here.

So in the interest of speaking my truth, I’m here to tell you: it’s one week before Christmas, and I’ve been growing increasingly sad as December 25 draws nearer.

I didn’t think I would be. Christmas, though I have many fond memories and associated traditions, isn’t my favorite holiday. (In case you were wondering, that title goes to Thanksgiving, the day of eating all of the food and spending time with people you love.) I’ve grown accustomed to only seeing my parents once – or maybe twice – a year, and I saw them in May, shortly after I gave notice at my job. Also, I’m spending the holiday season in the best place in the world to do so: Central Europe. Lordy, do the people of this region love their Christmas markets, and I am all for that. Give me glühwein (mulled wine), cinnamon-crusted bread tubes, and glittering lights in cobblestoned squares. It’s magical, truly.

And yet, here I am, choking back tears as I think about how I won’t be baking cookies with my mom this year. (In fact, she was doing that while we were skyping yesterday.) I won’t be watching bits and pieces of A Christmas Story throughout the day, while it plays for 24 hours on TBS. (Does anyone actually sit and watch that movie the whole way through anymore?) I won’t be decorating a tree or carefully wrapping gifts for my family, including our labrador retriever, Max. (After you give him a new toy, he insists on taking it out into the back yard immediately.) I won’t be eating my parents’ homemade pierogi (the Polish equivalent of ravioli, stuffed with potato and cheese), my mom’s delicious Christmas Eve and Day feasts, or fried catfish and hushpuppies from Fred’s Fish House. (I love my mom’s cooking, but I’ve also got to take advantage of the fact that they live in the south now.)

Don’t get me wrong: I know that there are going to be awesome things about this Christmas. But right now, I want to acknowledge the sad parts. The missing-my-family parts. The things-changing-as-you-grow-up-kind-of-really-sucks-sometimes parts.

* * * * * * * * * *

By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be celebrating Christmas with my friends in Graz. I suspect baked goods and tasty drinks will be involved, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’ll skype with my parents and grandparents, and send holiday wishes to friends who are far away. I hope that some of today’s sadness will have passed as I create new traditions with friends and enjoy my adventure.

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you enjoy the day, however you celebrate. And if it’s just another Sunday, let it be a good one!

[photo credit: me!]

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Writing and My Brain

posted 24th December 2011    Written by: Elyse    CATEGORY: All Posts, Creativity, Elyse, Inspiration, Season 5, What I've Learned

I’m working on a book. Surprise! I love reading so much, that I always promised myself one day, I would write a book that embraces all the things I love about other stories. I finally started to do it, but I’m coming up against the same problems I have always had when writing.

My brain moves too quickly, ebbing and flowing like the ocean beneath the stars (much as I would imagine Dover Beach to be but only because such a fantastic poem was written about it), and I can’t sit still long enough to have one linear thought. Even during work or other activities, my mind often wanders to far off places and big dreams. I would lie awake at night as a kid and couldn’t sleep because my mind would concoct some crazy dreams about what I was going to be doing in the future. Epic movies, books, and music don’t help as they force me to insert myself into the mix and imagine what it would be like if I was the character in that book or song. Especially music. I have always been attracted to “movie” music because my poor brain that finds no rest can focus for those few minutes on that song…I can see myself in a story embraced by that song.

I can focus on the energy and emotion of that music, yet eventually my mind wanders yet again. I am in a romantic or dangerous situation that requires strength or courage or even just a bit of spunk on my part, and the song comes alive with a story.

Movies and books have a story already laid out for you, but you can still find yourself locked in the pages or the scenes knowing that your life would be that much richer if you could come alive inside that story. Lack of money, lack of longterm goals, lack of what feels like a soul heartbeat ceases to matter because you are NOT stone you are NOT cold you are ALIVE with blood rushing through you and that incredible sensation of beauty and accomplishment lunging through your very veins with the speed of a jet airplane. And for a moment, you gather all the hope to your chest and cling to it for fear that every moment it pulls itself away from you.

These words only begin to describe the anxiety disorder that currently sits in my brain – chemical imbalances and hormonal issues causing mood swings, panic and eternal sadness. I have written my best poems and journal entries when in this fluctuating state – they are drenched in deep, cool colors that feel as vast as the sea.

Many times I type with my eyes closed because all I can hear is the music and see nothing that is technology or the modern world I find myself in. Just music and a slight clicking sound as these thoughts start in my brain and like lightening, rush through my nerve endings and type rhythmically though I don’t even want to think of the typing because it is of a world that I despair in and a world that makes me so sad my heart breaks. I want to fly because I feel like I deserve to. I want my actions to make a difference; I want my every move to embrace beauty and humanity. I want to follow all the paths that have been laid out before me, but I’m so afraid to choose the wrong one. Alice fell down the rabbit hole due to a miscalculated move to close to the edge and the path was chosen for her. I know I don’t want the path chosen for me but it sometimes seems so much easier. What I’m trying to say is…I’m writing a book to capture all those fleeting thoughts, ideas and characters that I’ve created all along my life path. Even if it isn’t any good or doesn’t make any sense, I think there will be peace from writing it all down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

{Photo Credit: jjpacres}

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Making the House My Home

posted 23rd December 2011    Written by: Kristen    CATEGORY: All Posts, Creativity, Kristen, Life Lesson, Season 5, What I've Learned

I have been living solo for just about two months now, but until Saturday, December 10th, my house still had many pieces of my married life all around me. Every day I tried to work around various pieces of my former life and not think of them as reminders of a failed marriage.

As a museum curator, I know very well that various objects can have a power and allure to them- in museum speak, we often call them “numinous objects.” The vase, the painting, etc. symbolizes so much more than the actual thing it is and takes on new meaning and ability to tell a story. Well at my house, I was surrounded by numinous objects that told the story of how unhappy I was. The couch, the painting over the mantel, even the kitchen utensils were constant reminders of him, the marriage, the sadness and disappointment of things not working out. Even on the days when I felt amazing and full of life, being surrounded by the stuff would bring me down.

With a number of variables being in play that left his stuff in the house for a period of time after he moved out, there was not a whole lot in my control over doing something about this stuff. I would pack up some items after using them or when I ran across them in a cupboard, but because of my restrictions (budget, space, time), I did not really eliminate or replace the toxic objects either. I kept putting off the decision to start doing things for myself because it felt like there was so much chaos around me that I was overwhelmed by needing to make another decision.

And then one day it changed. I’m not exactly sure what flipped the switch, but maybe realizing that I was seriously delaying my life by waiting for his stuff to leave the house and thus, delaying my happiness by not making my house the way I wanted it to be, was the big push. Maybe it was the hours of pinning and pining on Pinterest that made me finally stop looking and do something about making my space the way I want it.

It started simply with buying new curtains for my living room, then quickly moved from room to room with small changes with things I already had in my possession. I put my bright red KitchenAid stand mixer out in the corner of the counter- it instantly added cheer and excitement to the beige, black and white kitchen. I displayed my favorite cookbooks on a shelf and added bright kitchen towels to the oven handle. In the living room, I have some gorgeous built-in bookcases next to my fireplace. As you can see from the photo, I made that space all about me- a photo of my mom and I, bright colored books and fun decorative objects, and more. After the holiday season, I have plans to rip wallpaper and paint in two rooms, display some great photographs around the house, and hang artwork that makes me smile.

This shift in my thinking about making the space how I want it has completely changed my focus about a timeline and my control over it. Clutter and mess can often make me anxious and in the past, I have freaked out over things like that. This has been the thing I have worked on the most and what I am most proud of myself for- that it doesn’t matter if there is no art on the wall or the pillows on the couch are all mismatched. It’s a temporary situation, it’s my situation, and I decide the timeline. It does not have to be done in a week and I can change my mind throughout the process- there are no rules.

It really is remarkable how doing tiny little things like this made a huge difference in my outlook on the situation and how I saw my house and myself.  I once thought I was horrible at decorating and interior design- I would spend hours flipping through magazines and looking at home design blogs feeling overwhelmed at choices and color palettes. I had a “ I can’t do this mentality” until it sort of hit me that it was not as hard as I was making it out to be- it really is just about finding colors, pictures, or items that bring out the best in me. It is not rocket science (although I will admit I needed my parents to help me figure out the curtain rod situation- I’m incredibly spatially and mechanically challenged at times). And it should be enjoyable and fun because it’s all about creating a space to enjoy and do the things you love in it. A house should be filled with love and happiness and where you can feel most like yourself- filling it with actual things and colors is the physical manifestation of everything exciting and awesome about who I am on the inside.  The best find was a silver glittery JOY sign that will stay there year round, not just for the holiday season. It will be my constant reminder of what I want and to always add sparkle to life.

[Photo Credit: Me!]

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NO means NO.

posted 21st December 2011    Written by: Laurenne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Job/Career/Work, Laurenne, Life Lesson, What I've Learned

I’ve always been really really good at doing things I don’t want to do. Really good. So good, in fact, that others never can really tell that I don’t like what I’m doing.

You want me to drive you to the airport during rush hour and then knit you a scarf? SURE!

You want me to have sex with you because you bought be dinner? All right! Why don’t I pay $50 for a wax beforehand so you’ll think I’m always as smooth as butter?

What’s that? Oh, you want me to stay at the office for 17 hours because you want to give the client extra work just for show? I’m right on top of that.

No problem.

Anything you say.

I’ve got it under control.

YES. YES. YES.

Sure thing.

And let me do that for you with a double smile.

It took me years (YEARS!) to realize I had this problem, this need for suffering, this idea that my needs came last as long as everyone else liked me. The pros call this: codependency. When I was twenty-six, I felt a general sadness that pulled at the back of my eyelids. If you’re constantly doing things for others and you have no awareness of it, you feel stuck and you don’t know why.

I definitely felt stuck. 

I saw a therapist who asked me questions about my family. She wanted to know about my dad. I hadn’t yet talked about him with anyone, so I refused. I left the therapist and continued on with my general malaise and people-pleasing.

Something brought me back to a different therapist (good insurance so why not?), and finally I realized my problem: codependency due to lack of self-worth. Somewhere in life I learned that I wasn’t good enough. Somewhere in childhood I realized that I needed to do more and be more and give more just so people would like me. No way did I think people would like me just as I am. Lack of self-confidence. No Self-Love. Whatever you want to call it, I had it and it had controlled my life for a long, long time. Since high school. Since before high school. Maybe since my parents got divorced when I was three! I don’t know, but I had it and I knew I had to fix it.

Years have passed. I’m still working on it. As I’ve posted before, it’s not really welcomed in our society to love ourselves. But after lots of work in school and after several late-night, wine-filled self-analyzations, I’m aware that I am worth just as much as those other people. And so is my time. Sometimes I slip and find myself at a hockey game questioning why I said ‘yes’. But at least I catch it.

The other day I saw a friend doing something that could have compromised my business. I confronted her! And the day before that I had to tell a writing partner that I didn’t think we worked well together. Those two instances were so difficult. I realized I was uncomfortable and spoke honestly, but both girls reacted harshly. One cried. When people are used to you always accommodating them and you suddenly stop, they don’t like it. And these people didn’t. And I felt guilty. But five minutes later, they both came around and thanked me for being honest.

We’ve all compromised, and now I don’t have to sit through meetings biting my cheeks and disguising my discomfort. Now, after speaking my truth, I don’t have to pretend to be happy while I give up my needs. 

I felt a rush of power. I got what I wanted simply because I was able to talk about it honestly. I respected myself enough to mention my own needs.

Not only did it feel amazing to see myself as equally important, it felt great to see how far I’ve come.

The twenties are about transformation. I wish someone had told me that when I was right in the middle of them. Then all that changing wouldn’t have been so painful and confusing. But now I’m on the other side. And I’m so different! I talk about my dead dad all the time. I’m comfortable in my own body. I realize my self-worth. And I ask for what I want.

I’m grateful for every single weird day of saying YES because it brought me to this triumphant point of saying NO.


[Photo credit: www.waytogoal.com.]

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