I Am Strong, Capable, and Beautiful

posted 15th January 2012    Written by: Kat    CATEGORY: All Posts, Kat, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5, Travel, Travel/Adventure, What I've Learned

There are a few things that I wish I’d known before I started traveling. The first, of course, is about the disconnect that I wrote about recently; apparently, that’s not an uncommon phenomenon. The second is that I wish someone had told me that I was going to put on weight.

Six months ago, I was probably in the best shape of my life. I was doing yoga regularly, drinking plenty of water and rarely consuming alcohol, and eating foods in response to my body’s needs (plenty of fruits and vegetables, protein as I craved it, no dairy or gluten). I’d finally dropped weight that hadn’t wanted to go, and I felt good in my own skin for the first time in years.

Once I got on the road, though, it was hard to maintain this routine. I haven’t been able to find (m)any yoga classes that I like as much as the ones at my old studio in New York, and it’s been hard to practice at home since I’ve been sharing a room. Though I’ve done my best to eat reasonably healthy food, I also tend to stick with the diets in the places I’m staying – and especially at the farms, that’s meant a lot of bread. (And when it’s not at the farms, it’s meant a lot of meat, especially in Central Europe. My love for that region knows no bounds, but cucumber and tomato – out of season, no less – do not a salad make.) I often haven’t been drinking enough water; I don’t relish using the bathrooms on overnight trains, for one.

The point of all of this is that when I recently saw myself in a full-length mirror for the first time in a few months, it was HARD. It’s tough to write that, because I feel absurd for even thinking it. The fact of the matter is, though, that I have a challenging time seeing myself as attractive.

I’m able to look at things rationally and see that my body is strong and capable. I can do yoga. I ran a 5K in June without training for it, and I was really happy with my time. I walk all over the damn place, including to the top of clock towers and such – even though I’m afraid of heights. I’m learning to play lacrosse because I might be competing in a tournament in Budapest – just because I can. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to look at myself and say that I’m beautiful, though, and putting back on weight that I lost a year ago doesn’t help.

In yoga, we talk about saṃskāras, or mental and emotions patterns. I like to picture them as the squiggly ridges on my brain, each groove representing a thought pattern that I developed over time. This one about beauty is very much present and accounted for, though I have no idea where it began. All I know is that it’s been reinforced over years of ex-boyfriends pointing out “flaws” in my body, of seemingly not being noticed by the men I find attractive, of constantly telling myself over and over that I’m not pretty enough.

It’s an awful way to exist.

I realized something important as I looked into the full-length mirror a few weeks ago. As I saw myself standing there, extra pounds and all, I finally understood the yogic practice of ahimsa. It’s often translated as non-violence, and it’s the reason why many yogis don’t eat meat. I’ve also heard it translated as compassion, though, and that day, something clicked. I’d always thought about compassion being directed externally – be kind to others, etc. – and then it hit me: practicing compassion needs to be internal, too. It seems like a simple thing, and yet, it’s really not, at least for me. How can I be a compassionate person when every day, I tell myself that I’m unattractive or not enough? How is it okay to look at my body and think horrible thoughts about my appearance?

So, here it goes: I am strong, capable, and beautiful.

Writing that feels difficult and vulnerable. It’s hard to read, and even tougher to believe. But you know what? I can’t keep telling myself awful things and expecting others to see me differently, though. Changing this thought pattern needs to start with me, right now.

How can you treat yourself with greater compassion?

[photo credit: me!]

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Comments (6)

6 Responses to “I Am Strong, Capable, and Beautiful”

  • carlyloves Says:
    January 15th, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    This is crazy, but I came to the SAME conclusion about compassion last night when I was writing in my journal. I really understand where you're coming from – but lately my negative thought patterns are focused on other "flaws." I have started giving myself pep talks. As cheesy as it sounds, they feel good. Sometimes I'll look in the mirror and other times I'll just talk aloud as I'm crawling into bed. I think saying it out loud helps me believe what I'm saying.

    I also think there is merit in taking a "time out" to just allow yourself to do exactly what you want to do. If you don't force yourself to do anything, you might find yourself completely engaged in something your instincts told you that you needed. Again, last night, for example, I found myself painting and smiling to myself. I hadn't planned to paint. I just fell in front of my canvas. It was awesome. I hope you can find similar peace and presence of mind! I'll be rooting for you.

  • Lisa Says:
    January 16th, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    I needed to read this today. I'm pregnant and have gotten terrible stretch marks. I know it's all worth it, but I've been feeling sorry for myself! Thanks for helping me realize that I need to be compassionate to myself!

  • KristenCF Says:
    January 17th, 2012 at 11:21 am

    I totally hear where you are coming from Kat. I'm still struggling with the size I am now- especially when I put on a pair of pants and just see that muffin top coming out. I'm trying hard to accent the positive stuff I love about myself and my body to compensate for the other parts.
    I think for you your mantra is important but also I think you should wear your body now as it is as a badge of honor because the way you look like right now is a product of your situation- living life on your terms, indulging and enjoying in each country and place you visit. It's a sign that you are living out your dream so don't fret about it. The minute you get to your next step where you can establish a routine, you will get back to where you want physically in no time :) xoxo

  • Kat Says:
    January 23rd, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Thanks, Carly! I used to do the pep talk type thing, too, and you're right – it really does help! I do like the idea of taking time out to just do exactly what I want to be doing. It's awesome that you found so much peace painting, and I hope you keep finding those moments. :)

  • Kat Says:
    January 23rd, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Lisa, I think it happens to all of us! I'm glad you found this post and I hope that you're being kind to yourself today. And congrats on the pregnancy!!

  • Kat Says:
    January 23rd, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Kristen, thank you for that reminder. <3 And for you, remember that you have been doing so many awesome things for yourself, and you should be proud of where you are today. We've come a long way, baby!

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