“Home is the dearest spot on earth. It is the center though not the boundary of the affection.” ~M.B.Eddy
This is a quote my mom always said to us as kids. Basically, my parents taught us to not view just one place, one physical structure, as our home.
When I went off to college, my mother handed me a note, jotted on a piece of notebook paper, with this quote and a note about how proud she was. She urged me to find home, even so far away from family. That’s just what I did, creating a family of friends. We would have potluck dinners at my shared apartment, eating a delicious hodge-podge dinner and then playing charades. It was simple, but we made it our home.
I’ve been struggling lately. Feeling a little lost and not knowing which way to step in my life. I have the most amazing boyfriend, who I am madly in love with. I have a business that I’m working on getting off the ground. But I’m in a constant state of discomfort and unknown. I live out of suitcases on the road.
My conversations of late are peppered with the word “home.” Where is home and how do I get home? Currently, I’m in this place I like to call “So Unknown.” I realize that this is most of life, being unknown, but right now it feels more edgy for me. With Mr. Paul Child looking for a new job, we don’t know where we will end up. I look at houses all over Phoenix-area, unsure if we will even end up here. I’ve committed, to moving where he finds a great job. We want to be in Phoenix, but we don’t know where we will land.
I’m anxious. I want to get my business rolling, but now it’s in this so unknown place, because what if we have to move? I can’t keep uprooting my business to different areas. It’s not impossible to move my business, it’s internet-based, but to move it is still a challenge, so I’ve been holding off. In the same stroke, we could be waiting a year before Mr. Paul Child is able to find a job in the Phoenix-area. Can I really put my dreams on hold?
It’s frustrating living between two cities. We are constantly on the go. We cram a life together into a weekend. Planning our lives so far in advance doesn’t leave a lot of freedom for when our friends call with last minute plans.
I feel unsettled, not knowing where our home will be. It’s frustrating knowing that this hinges on his job. We wait, anxiously, for an interview, and when he gets one, we wait for days, for a phone call to give us the outcome. Lately, he’s always too over-qualified for the job. One after another, they trickle through our hope. I try to stay positive for both of us, keeping up the morale, and looping strands of hope and promise, around us.
I recently discussed with Mr. Paul Child, moving to his small Arizona town of Yuma, after he asked me to stay with him. I searched all over town for a restaurant job for myself. It seemed that there was nowhere except for chain restaurants that I could work…I started to feel really depressed about my options. Finally I found a place that wouldn’t hire me till September, but that was basically the nicest restaurant in town.
Proud and excited, I came home to tell Mr. Paul Child, who didn’t like that I would be working the exact opposite schedule as him, and that I wouldn’t be off work till at least 10 pm at night. I appreciate that he loves me so much, that the thought of not seeing me when he gets home from work, upsets him, but honestly, it made me upset that he wasn’t immediately excited at this potentially good career opportunity for me. I have never hidden who I am, and what I want from life. I love working in restaurants. I’m a chef, and this is the life. I have dreams. Big fat dreams!
After so much encouraging of his career, I was a little hurt, and wanted to pose the question, “what about mine?” After me pounding the words, “choose a job you love” into his head over the past few months, I felt empty. Guilty for wanting a job that I love, that would end up keeping me away for long hours from the man that I love. He is very supportive of my pastry business, but after his dismay at the restaurant hours I would have to work, I worry that he doesn’t fully understand the time and dedication that goes into a business, let alone a food business, and that scares me. On that note, I harken back to my first blog post…
I’m not waiting on his job anymore. I can’t wait for us to get into one city. It would be perfect if the stars would align, and we would end up in the same city, amazeball jobs, and found the perfect house…but life doesn’t work like that. Mr. Paul Child is the love of my life, but I’m going ahead with my plans, and creating the business that I want. Remember my first Stratejoy post? I am not waiting! I love Mr. Paul Child, but I want to create a career I enjoy, and I never want to resent my lovely boyfriend! Someday, we will find our home together, but for now…so unknown.