Whenever I sit down to a meal, no matter if I’m the cook/hostess or a guest at someone else’s table, I always look at the plate of offerings, and take a lesser cut. A smaller burger. The janky looking porkchop. I’ve sat down to dinner with numerous people over the years, who always take the best on the plate…so why do I always feel like I deserve the lesser and not the best?
This isn’t the only time that I do this in my life. I do it in relationships, shutting down in discussions and disagreements, or with-holding feelings that I have, that I feel make me look like a bitch if I vocalize them. I’m amazed when someone I’ve met a few times remembers me. I’m afraid that what I have to say/write/photograph/cook doesn’t have any value. I hate asking for help or favors that I don’t think that I deserve. I’ve been trying to figure out why I do this. Why I feel that I don’t deserve the nicest cookie on the plate. It’s obnoxious, and I hate it, but I do it on autopilot.
I’ve been staring at the blankness of my blog lately, feeling stuck. What if the words I write aren’t valued? What if my opinion and expertise mean nothing? What if I am unable to find a following of people who want what I’m selling? I look at some of the experts in my field and wonder how I get to that point? I look at others who are “experts” in my field and wonder how they are selling the cockamamie coming out of their mouths, while I’m praying that people don’t see me that way.
I think the first part of value, is uh duh, obviously valuing yourself. I know, I need to value myself and my talents, but honestly, sometimes it’s hard. Is there some special confidence I need to be able to look at that plate, with everyone watching, and take the best piece for me? To be able to write my words, take my photos, and place them in the world, not caring what people may think? Can I please get that super power? Do I have to touch a fucking ring to a lantern and recite a little rhyme or something?
I’ve been reading awesome websites, books, and have signed up for email newsletters like a madwoman. Journaling, doodling, and searching pinterest for inspiration, attempting to create a happy space for my mind. I found this awesome iPad app called Unstuck that I’ve been playing with. You type in a problem you’re stuck on, it asks you questions and takes you through some prompts then tries to help you get to the root of your problem. It’s not a crystal ball or anything, don’t get too excited, but it does inspire thought. One of the things I typed in while trying to conquer this blog fear I have, was “Be human in my blog. An expert with flaws.” At the end of the Unstuck session, my phrase popped up, “I’m going to…Be human in my blog. An expert with flaws.” It was weird, because I typed it into the program as an excuse to why I’m having problems, and it sussed out as a solution. I’m still mulling it over. How do you be an expert with flaws?
I don’t know the magic thing that makes it click. Where I feel that my knowledge and talents are valuable. I feel like my lack of making money in my profession is tied to this, and want to know how to truly value what I have to put out in the world. We can say things over and over to ourselves, but I’m waiting working towards the ah-ha moment. The click into place of actually feeling those words I keep chanting to myself. Maybe I’ll start with taking the biggest and best cookie on the plate. Cookies do make everything better.