]Two nights ago I watched the moon die, it’s vermillion body stretching itself across the black sky and sinking into the cityscape’s sea of man made stars. I find myself moving towards the setting of these vast bodies, of moon, of sun, and of my old being watching them as they give way to new beginnings. Sometimes we must shed the old layers. They help us grew, they help us become who we are, but we are forever changing, taking remnants of our journey with us as we become our present selves.
A few months ago, I mentioned that I’m yearning to make this move from Connecticut to Oregon because I’ll have time to think and create what I want from life in my mind’s eye. Writing this first draft I’m sitting on my friend’s couch in Columbus, Ohio, and now I’m by the poolside at my mom’s house in Santa Fe my mind reeling around lessons that have delivered themselves to me.
I’ve been blogging for Stratejoy for several months now and it’s been a great experience. I’m so grateful for being surrounded by Arielle, Caiti, Jill, Rachel, Cassie, and Sarah and for their gorgeous thoughts gracing the interweb and storing themselves in the crevices of my mind. I’m thankful for Molly and Katie for sharing this incredible opportunity and for all the ridiculously hard work they’ve done and the support they’ve given that has been unending. Thank you all.
I regret not being as consistent with my blogging in the last month as I was in the first few. It looks like I still need to find a better balance with my life and making sure I can do everything I want to the best of my abilities. I admit, I applied to be a Stratejoy blogger on a whim and I’m glad that I did. I’ve learned that there are other folks out there like me who are still figuring out how we shall exist in this vast universe. I’ve learned that I have the support of others and honestly, I think that’s one of the most critical elements in getting through life. I’ve discovered that I still have a ways to go before I’ve shifted from my chaotic pseudo-organization to just being organized. I’ve realized how much I love women spaces. Being a part of Stratejoy and being surrounded by women’s voices is absolutely stunning. Once upon a time a couple of years ago, I worked at a place called The Pink House, a women’s space alive with talk of what it meant to be a women, having consignment clothes and hats galore to try on, and being in a space where it was comfortable to be female. Sometimes I need that. When I move up to Portland, I need to find a place where I can make girlfriends and just hang out.
I’m scared to be moving though. I admit it. I don’t know where Geoffrey and I will be staying or what type of job I’ll end up getting. This completely new experience terrifies and excites me. The past several months have been leading to this moment… to moving west, to getting married (which will happen on Saturday), to dealing with stress, fears, love, family, caring for others and myself, and developing even more as a person which is really just a continual process. I’m worried that I’ve taken Portland to be some sort of Eden and that everything will be perfect there. I know it won’t be, it’ll just be what I make of it but who knows if I’ll be sorely disappointed.
I’m looking forward to the wedding. All the festivities really begin today as families and friends arrive, dinners with my family and Geoffrey’s family commence, and as the final pieces are woven together with all the love that everyone has shown. Seeing so many people come together and be supportive is riveting and though I already consider myself as being married to Geoff, it’ll be nice to have other people join us in celebrating us as a couple.
Then of course the other thoughts stirring around in my little noggin come in the form of lessons I’ve learned that just keep emerging.
That man is the rain which is me: Once upon a time I was sitting with my friend on the Plaza in Santa Fe watching people strolling about and it began to rain. Our middle school selves were talking about life and the world and she said that she believed that in essence, the man walking by us was also the rain, which in turn was us. Everything is interconnected and sometimes it’s easy to forget that we’re all part of this same universe breathing and existing… each of us with our own thoughts. It goes along with the whole theory of Ubuntu- I am because you are. We depend on one another and exist because of everyone else.
That is very well said Candace, now let us cultivate our garden: In the town of Amarillo, there are many quirky signs making their appearances in backyards and on street corners. This has always been my favorite. It’s how my grandfather essentially responded when my father came out to him as being transgendered. He said “I’ll always love you Peter, now let’s go bale some hay”. To me it speaks of how life moves on. Regardless of the circumstances, we can’t stop things, we can’t pause them, we can only move forward with the momentum that exists. Life happens and you work with it.
You have to love yourself before you can love others: My mom always used to say this to me. To have a healthy relationship you need to cherish who you are and understand yourself. You need to have a relationship with yourself. It has been difficult for me at times to love myself and treat myself right, it still is sometimes, but it has to be done. That’s why I love introspection and journaling because that’s where a good chunk of my revelations come in. I remember in high school sitting in English class and thinking you know, the only thing I can ever be best at being is myself.
So here’s to new beginnings, to dying and being reborn, to allowing my skin to shed being changed by the past and growing into the present. Here’s to life.
**A Note From Katie: Oh, Camila, you gorgeous girl you. I know it’s been a hectic few months for you. Life isn’t always easy to keep up with. You’ve done an incredible job of learning how to balance life and everything else.
The next chapter of your life is just beginning and I know you’re going to take it one step and a time and everything is going to work out just the way it should be. I have no doubt you’re going to make a drop dead beautiful bride. (Don’t forget to send photos!)
I wish you the absolute best in everything, and don’t forget to take time out for yourself. Also? Keep on breathing.