Last week I cracked my shell open a little and let you know who I am and what brought me to now. It was hard to write – I’ve never actually described in words where I am in life right now and what happened over the past five years to push me here. It was even harder to share the blog link with people I know in real life – the ones whose judgement is personal. But here I am, week two. This week I’ll let you know more about why I thought it would be a “good idea” to share the world inside my head with the general blog-reading public.
When I applied for Season 7 I wasn’t (and still am not) sure about blogging like this. I have nothing to say, why would anyone want to read it? And isn’t this a little self-indulgent? I’m taking a leap of faith here, based on a gut feeling this is right. I am going to put this – all of this – into words. Now. It comes as a relief at this point. In moving my thoughts to words they aren’t just mine. Which is good, because I’m ready to not own this story alone anymore. I didn’t know it until I typed it, but there it is. Knowing you’re there, reading this, valuing it and bringing me into your own life, is helping guide me back to the land of the living. In reading, this is a little bit yours now too.
Why now? Because I’m feeling a little excited about life. I’m thinking maybe the future isn’t just a Ticking Clock of Personal Failure after all…I’m thinking it might even have some fun in it! Shocking idea, I know. But trust me that this has taken me months and months to come to. All this time I’ve been shut up in my head, too scared to say out loud what’s in there. Not sure how to. But now I feel compelled to talk about it all. So why not go big and blog about it.
In blogging for Stratejoy, I hope for two things. First, as Caiti from Season 6 said, moving thoughts out of your head once a week is in itself helpful. I’m hoping the writing schedule will keep me moving forward on things that are hard to dig into. I’m hoping to smooth out some of the kinks in my heart, and to build on this whole life-could-be-fun idea.
Given my deep panic about not having a career, children, a house, and all the Please-Enjoy-By-30 milestones checked off, it’s no surprise that uncovering what I actually want for my life is tentative, slow going. I’m starting to get it that figuring out my own idea of my good life is the prerequisite to working towards that happiness. But there’s a bit of a catch here, because I can’t be deeply unhappy and figure out this idea. (It just doesn’t work, the energy isn’t there.) And I can’t be happy when I’m so far off my life course. (That’s where the panic comes from.) It’s been a long time coming, but wanting to live a life that feels right to me is starting to seep in, and I’m determined to do whatever it takes to keep it going.
So I’m creating a bit of a work-around here. First: I have to stay with myself, be just where I am – no pushing forward because I don’t know which way forward is yet. Second: I have to work little pieces of happy into the unhappy – simple and short-term things that I can fly in under the Panic Radar. (Spanish classes, canning workshops, evening walks, weekend trips.) Third: I have to repeat and practice until having a little happy becomes normal. Writing every week for a few months seems like a good way to check in with myself and chronicle how my practice is going.
The second hope I have for blogging is that putting my own experiences out there will be useful in some way to you – as a support, a guide, a warning, a companion to your morning coffee. When I said last week that I was “out in the wilderness” for some time, I meant it. I was lost and lonely in my own life. And the problem with loneliness is it’s self-reinforcing – you feel isolated, no one’s lonely right there beside you. I’m figuring out the only way back from this feeling is through other people. So I’m putting myself out there, hoping that maybe a few of you will feel less alone knowing I’m out here too.
For my months of blogging here on Stratejoy, I promise this: I will not give you tied-with-a-bow life lessons that erase the actual pain of learning to make for a nicer story arc. I will only share things in the way they happen.
Your comments (and facebook messages, and emails, and texts) last week were motivating and meaningful to me. Please don’t be shy to let me know you’re here! I want to hear about your journey and experiences too.