“I am making a few transitions currently like learning how to be a step mom, losing weight and working for myself, but my major transition is learning how to live in the now.”
I am afraid to die. Terrified.
I am not actually worried about what happens after you die because from what I can tell, it’s pretty awesome if you’re not an asshole. I am basing this assumption on what I have learned from watching the show “I Survived: Beyond and Back” and from a psychic I talked to three times (my dead grandma told him that I am addicted to pizza. 100% legit).
It’s the actual end of my life that I am stressed about. I like to plan everything and I like to plan it as far in advance as possible. My entire wedding was booked two years before it happened and three months before I even had an engagement ring on my finger. Death freaks me out because I can’t plan it. I accept that I will eventually die, but if I don’t know when, how will I organize how the rest of my life is going to play out? Do I space out all of my goals and ambitions over the years or do I cram them all in to one big happiness fest?
WHAT IF I NEVER GET TO MEET BRITNEY SPEARS?
This fear has resulted in me planning “big” events like my wedding or becoming a freelancer, rather than stopping for two seconds and realizing how lucky I am in every day life. With my mind constantly on the future, I know that I am missing out on the present. I find it so ridiculously hard to just chill out, be thankful and embrace happiness.
I am making a few transitions currently like learning how to be a step mom, losing weight and working for myself, but my major transition is learning how to live in the now. My life overwhelms me so much sometimes that many days, I spend my free time sitting on the computer doing anything except face reality. I am trying to learn how to manage my feelings, step away from the glowing screen and get out of the house.
When my brain started to short circuit two years ago, I knew something had to change. I found Stratejoy in my online travels and immediately clicked with that season’s bloggers. As soon as I realized I wasn’t crazy and there were (a lot of) people out there just like me, I was relieved. Instead of being completely confused, I knew that it was possible to take steps to allow things to make sense again.
I have done a lot of self discovery in that time. I ordered a lot of books, took a lot of tests and spent a lot of time just thinking. I finally got myself to the point where I was able to fearlessly quit my job to begin freelancing. I’m not scared because I know I’m ready. I’m also really happy that I no longer have to explain to my friends and loved ones why I “can’t hold a job.” I absolutely refuse to stay in situations that make me unhappy, and that can be tricky to tell people without them looking at you like your career aspirations are not based in reality.
Well guess what? Shit just got REAL.
I’m beginning to feel more in control of my life than I have felt in a long time. And while I can’t control when I’m going to die, I can control how I live my life at this very moment.
Contentment is just around the corner…I can feel it.
PS: If you know what movie my blog title is from, I want to be your new best friend.