INTRODUCING NICOLE:
“I’ve done most things the hard way.”
I’m not one of those people who feels like she did everything right.
In fact, I’ve done most things the hard way.
I chose a college based on proximity to my {then} boyfriend, dropped out after the first year {again to be with the aforementioned boyfriend}, accrued unnecessary debt, got married too young {to a different boyfriend} because I was desperate to be grown up, and chose a career based on the intense need to garner my father’s approval.
Clearly sound logic wasn’t in my repertoire.
Looking back on my life, I feel sad. I drifted through without much forethought into what I was doing. I had no plan, no ultimate goal, spent no time soul searching on how to find fulfillment. There was no hint of living with intention.
I now realize that my entire life has been spent either trying to please others {namely my divorced parents}, or reacting to the curveballs we are all thrown in life. While I know I’m not alone in this type of approach to life, I know it, damn well, isn’t the recipe for living a life of passion and authenticity – which is what I crave more than anything!
Since I became a mom, I’ve found my approach to life has altered, but not in a positive direction. When you stay at home with a child on a full-time basis, your life can easily be consumed by said little person. At first it’s the natural response to being a parent, but I believe it can become detrimental to your sanity as the “all little person, all the time” mentality continues.
As I began to feel increasingly unsatisfied with my life, I also had immense guilt for having those feelings. I mean, on the outside my life looked pretty good. Husband, daughter, friends, college degree, health insurance, house, car, disposable income – check mark for each category. How could I possibly be unhappy when I had so many of the things people strive for?
The shame I felt was almost unbearable.
When I finally found the courage to voice these feelings, a wise friend pointed out that I was pinning all my self-esteem and happiness on my role as a mother. While being a parent is very rewarding, everyone needs balance in their lives. Our children cannot be everything to us.
I wasn’t sure I believed that, but gave me a glimmer of hope that I might not be as bad a mother as I feared. Maybe, just maybe, I didn’t need to feel guilty for taking care of myself sometimes. I wish I could say that conversation with my friend was an “ah ha” moment and that everything has fallen into place since then.
But it hasn’t.
At all.
What did happen is I started to notice things about my behavior or thinking that needed to change. I did things for myself – with less guilt. These, for me, were monumental steps.
Fast forward a couple years, and I’m still wading through what I now know is a quarterlife crisis – at 32 years old. As I’m writing this, I’ve just returned from taking my baby to kindergarten the first time. I cried. I worried. I hoped she was having fun. I contemplated going to peek in her classroom window {because apparently I’m THAT mom}.
Thankfully common sense won out, and I didn’t stalk her at school.
Today marked the end of an era in my life. My little person is growing up, and I’m nearly overcome with the realization that our time together these last five years has ended. But I’m also excited for the prospect of having time to reflect, to be introspective, and to unearth the best version of myself.
This is my chance to write the story of my life – a life filled with the passion and authenticity that I crave.
I know I have the capacity for self-acceptance and fierce self-love {thanks to the Fierce Love course here at Stratejoy!}. I’m committed to doing the work and finding joy and passion in my life.
The icing on the cake {and, man, do I love icing!} is that my journey – my struggles and the courage to overcome them – will set a powerful example for my daughter, both as a woman and a mother.
