You know how I pledged to lose 100lbs? I was supposed to start on September 1, the day I also became a full-time freelancer. It made so much sense in my head that on this glorious day, I was suddenly going to become focused on healthy eating and self improvement. It was going to be GREAT.

I had salt and vinegar chips and French onion dip for breakfast yesterday.

Oh, and three Oreos. Breakfast of champions.

The rest of the day was no better…I “accidentally” ate a pint of that new Ben & Jerry’s Greek frozen yogurt. There was also a piece of pizza and a rich pasta dish that I found a recipe for on Pinterest. To say I was in rare form would be an understatement.

I have been overweight my entire life (except for the year I was skinny) and I’ve had a lot of time to think about why I do what I do. The main two things I’ve been able to come up with are:

1) I’m sabotaging myself. There is a huge part of me that finds comfort in being overweight. It’s all I’ve really ever known. Even though I am uncomfortable, unhealthy and embarrassed, being thin is even scarier because I just remember feeling like I was living in a body that wasn’t my own. People do treat you differently and after years of being treated a certain way, I was actually hurt and mad when people were nicer to the skinny me.

2) I am addicted to food. This is the only way I know how to explain why I keep eating like I do. It is not as easy as just eating everything in moderation; my brain doesn’t understand that concept when it comes to certain food. Most times, I am better off not eating those trigger foods at all because once they cross my lips, it’s all over. When I read about how drug addicts act, I feel like I am reading about myself with food.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), I feel like I’m finally at that point where I have to lose weight. I am bigger than I have ever been and I’m crossing in to dangerous territory. When I was younger I just wanted to lose weight and look good, but my intentions are a little more wholesome this time. I want to be HEALTHY. As we’ve already discussed, I am afraid of dying – and I know that what I’m doing right now is a form of slow suicide. How can someone who is so afraid of dying continue to contribute to their demise every single day?

Also, it is so weird for me to say this, but I want to have a kid. I am almost 29, and while I know that this isn’t “old,” I also know that I need to get my shit together if I want to have a healthy pregnancy within the next few years. I refuse to get pregnant while I am so unhealthy because I feel like that is just inviting in a whole host of complications. Gestational diabetes doesn’t really do it for me, ya know? I also have selfish motives – I want people to actually know that I am pregnant. I don’t want people wondering if I’m pregnant or if I just got fatter. I want it to be a wonderful experience.

So where does that leave me today, fresh off the heels of yesterday’s junk food binge? It’s another day and another opportunity to try again. I think it’s important not to let one “bad day” completely derail your efforts. I woke up this morning and actually measured the sugar and milk that went in my coffee and my breakfast was impressively healthy. I can’t tell you how the rest of the day is going to play out, but I can tell you that right now, I’m trying my best to stay in control. That’s all I can do.