In my quest to find happiness, I’ve started to notice that I quit things…a lot.
On one hand, quitting is strangely empowering when you finally make the decision to stop doing something that doesn’t make sense to you. On the other hand, after you start quitting too many things too often, you wonder if you’re actually empowering yourself or if you’re just running away when shit gets hard. I think it’s a combination of the two for me, but it’s tough to weed through all the issues and decide what I was supposed to quit and what I was supposed to stick out.
People say to trust your gut and you’ll know what’s right – but what if you can’t tell the difference between your gut instinct and fear kicking in?
In high school, I was one of three captains for the performing dance team. I always felt like I was some kind of fraud because I didn’t have “real” training – I just loved dancing and that seemed to be enough when I auditioned and made the team. When I was voted captain my senior year, I knew my place in the trio – one girl was the pro dancer, one girl was the super organizer, and I was the peace maker. Running a team of 40 teenage girls qualifies as a version of my personal hell, but I got along with everyone and made them laugh…and that goes a long way sometimes.
However, I specifically remember sitting down one day and writing a resignation letter. In this fleeting moment of feeling total inadequacy, I thought that although I got along with everyone, I didn’t know how to be a leader and I certainly wasn’t a good enough dancer to tell people what to do. I wrote the letter, but I never handed it in – and I’m so glad I didn’t.
I almost quit one of my favorite parts of high school because I let my fear get in the way.
A few years after graduating college, I got a job with a company that I was excited about. Why was I excited? I had been working for another company the last two years, and while I enjoyed my time there, the money situation was rough. It got hit pretty hard by the recession and my paychecks reflected that. This new job didn’t seem nearly as fun, but when I saw how much they were going to pay me, I couldn’t say no.
Guess how long it took me to quit that job?
One month.
Sometimes I wonder if I acted too quickly, but I seriously don’t think I was ever going to like it. I don’t regret quitting that job, but I do regret quitting the job I had before that just so I could make more money. It was a lesson I needed to learn, but it never feels too good to learn the hard way.
That one poor decision to quit led me to quitting four more jobs since then.
I even quit one job before I ever started it. The last 9-5 job I had before becoming a freelancer was offered to me twice and I turned it down both times. Most employers would tell me to go screw myself, but they still pursued me until I finally said yes. I was so paranoid about making the wrong decision again that I’d bail at the first sign of making the wrong choice…even if I was just imagining it.
I’m always so afraid to mess up and go the wrong way in my “choose your own adventure” book of life.
There are so many great things to do in the world, but what if I never find what’s right for me? I would probably think I was completely nuts by now, except for the fact that I know it’s possible to be totally, completely content with a decision. This is going to sound so cheesy, but I have never doubted my love for my husband and I have never wondered how my life could be different if I decided to be with someone else. We talked about getting married before we even began dating and I never had my usual freak out moment where I felt the need to run away.
I got a taste of what it’s like to be amazingly happy with a decision and now that I know how great it feels, I want more of that in my life. I just want to learn how to make good decisions right off the bat instead of feeling the need to quit everything. It sucks to feel like I can’t find my “calling,” but it’s beginning to suck even more to feel like a quitter.
Summary of My Quitting History
Best thing I quit: It’s a tie between smoking and an 11-year toxic friendship.
Worst thing I quit: My diet (approximately 5 million times) and a play. After a few weeks I realized the play was going to be awful and I was so embarrassed to be associated with it that I lied and told them I was going to summer camp. Good one.
Best thing I wanted to quit, but I’m glad I didn’t: My first half marathon in below freezing temperatures while it was sleeting the entire time.
{Photo Credit}: Flickr
