Its 1:26AM, and I can’t sleep. I’m tired. I keep yawning, but my eyes don’t feel heavy and my mind won’t shut up. About anything.

I can’t stop thinking about what I’m gong to say in a difficult email I know I need to write sooner rather than later but that I really really don’t want to, mainly because I hate telling the truth that I know someone won’t like, not because I don’t feel it or think its needs to be said.

I can’t stop thinking about my Elevate Mastermind application, and I can’t stop worrying that if I can’t do it, I will let this year and next year and all the years slip by while I remain in this place of complacency, making tiny changes that don’t last and continuing to feel this weird ache, like I’m not pushing hard enough, not living the great life I should and am missing out on…I don’t know…something.

I can’t stop thinking about how incredibly hard it has been to articulate lately what I actually want and what my long term goals are, and how hard it is feeling like I can’t actually take steps towards the things I think I want because there are so many aspects of those things that seem out of my control.

I can’t stop thinking about stupid OKcupid guys who will respond to my first message almost instantly and then not respond to a second one! (I mean, COME ON! What is that? If you are going to stop responding, just don’t respond at all in the first place.)

I then can’t stop beating myself up about that fact that I am basing my self-worth (at least in the dating realm) on the actions of men who have literally never met me.

I can’t stop thinking about LA and how much I miss my friends, my one-bed room apartment on my quiet street, my drives listening to KCRW, my running path, the beach (even though I rarely went), and I can’t stop getting angry at myself for always wanting the things I don’t have. Last spring, I counted down the days until the school year ended and thought I would feel totally different and better and like I was making forward progress in New York (which, yes, I know I technically am), and now it seems, I can’t stop thinking about when I get to go back and feeling like I’m on this weird vacation from my life. I wish I could think about living and appreciating the present while still being excited about the future.

I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking about how I wish things would be just slightly better, yet somehow, I keep having difficulty actually making them better.

I can’t sleep because I know things aren’t quite right, and I honestly don’t know what would fix them. And I hate that.

And I really just wish I could go to sleep.

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I finally fell asleep around 2:30, and in the light of day, I know 1:26AM me was being a bit melodramatic, but these feelings do keep bubbling up, and I so wish I could figure out why I feel like this. I know I am making progress towards my goals by being in school, but I keep having this feeling of still being stuck. I’m hoping that I can keep making these little changes and start reaching out in the spring to make some more concerte plans for the future to keep feeling that forward progress. I already made one commitment by signing up for Nicole’s Half Marathon Training Program, which is something I’m freakishly excited about and something I hope my injury prone knee will be fine doing. I also got one OKCupid guy to ask to meet for drinks, so there’s some progress there. 

In the light of day, I’m also wondering if anyone ever felt this weird feeling I’m describing? Or am I just the crazy person who makes giant changes yet still feels like I’m not getting anywhere? 

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