Grieving 2012

I am very familiar with grieving the loss of a relationship. Family, friends, boyfriends, pets. In my gut, I believe in the whole “you have to go through it to get through it” thing.

But I didn’t know that you could grieve a year of your life. Which is what I did while working through the first week of Holiday Council work.

(Although I’m sure the lovely PMS hormones and the wine I was drinking during Molly’s training call didn’t exactly help me out, either.)

Finding good things that had happened during the year was difficult for me. I tried to mentally go through each month and come up with something fun I’d done, somewhere I’d gone… nada.

And then we got to the bad stuff. The stuff that I thought I had gotten through. We were given 4 minutes to write out everything negative that had happened in 2012; everything we wanted to release.

In 4 minutes, I filled both the front and back sides of the paper. I was actually still writing when Molly called time.

I was also crying.

That negative shit just came right back up and smacked me in the face. But to be honest with you, it felt different this time.

There was some level of awareness that I was bringing these memories back for a reason: so that they could be let go. It didn’t hurt less, but it hurt differently.

At the beginning of the week, Molly asked the group to choose a picture that symbolized our 2012. I located one, but by the time I’d finished the training call on Wednesday night, it had somehow morphed into this:

And that’s when I started to recognize that a few good things did happen in 2012.

I felt so many things. After years of walking around like a zombie, I have done nothing but feel.

I also learned that I can survive. I can adapt, and I can push through.

Most importantly, I can grow. I can plant my feet, and I can grow.

Tree image credit: joiseyshowaa

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