It’s funny what a little new-found self awareness can do for you.
I have been a full-time freelancer for over three months now and I feel like I’m doing pretty well. It was something I worked toward for two years and it has its tough moments, but overall, it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. So what did I do on Saturday morning while I was dicking around on LinkedIn?
I applied for a job.
Like, a full-time, 9 to 5, “stab myself in the head” job. I really don’t know what I was thinking.
Actually, yes. I do know what I was thinking. I was thinking that I’m getting really annoyed applying for health insurance on my own and that it would be awfully nice to have a “real” job that supplied it for me. I was thinking that sometimes I don’t leave the house for days on end and I’m dying for some human interaction. I was thinking that all of my nice clothes are going to waste because my new work uniform has become my Old Navy yoga pants with the hole in the right thigh.
What I really did was let fear apply for that job.
I failed to consider that for the first time in a long time, I don’t dread Monday mornings and I don’t sit in a cube all day stewing in negative thoughts. I feel a lot more…calm. I was letting the small things that I do have control over convince me that getting a 9-5 again might be a better option.
Even scarier? They e-mailed me within 24 hours and asked me to come in that week for an interview. And I wrote back right away and said yes. (WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?)
BUT (here’s where the self awareness part comes in) – I sat here just now and said “I don’t want to go to that interview. I only applied out of stupid fear. I need to e-mail them now to cancel.” I recognized how I was sabotaging myself before I got in too deep. I’m proud of myself.
I feel like this is exactly what I do to myself when it comes to food as well, but the food thing is on a WHOLE other level. As soon as I find myself in control of my eating for a week or two, I freak out and eat fast food for weeks on end. I feel like I have this bizarre subconscious fear of success.
What kind of person actually fears success???
Or am I just afraid of change in general?
Either way, my health is #1 on my list for 2013 (woohoo, Stratejoy Holiday Council!) and I’m finally going to make the time to try and start working through my issues. A lot of my goals have been career-oriented the past few years, so I’m excited to find peace in that part of my life and start focusing on getting healthy again.