Déjà Vu All Over Again

posted 23rd May 2012    Written by: Jill    CATEGORY: All Posts, Events, Jill, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 6, What I've Learned

It’s time for a little confession: this isn’t the first time I’ve been “lost.”  I just forgot that I had visited this island before.

This particular brand of “oh yeah…” nostalgia was lying dormant in a slightly water damaged cardboard box in the corner of my closet.  It was rediscovered during the cleaning out and packing up process of moving apartments (how cliché).

The box was designated as the “donate to something” box almost a year ago when I graduated college and moved on into QLC land.  The memory of what exactly was in it was a hazy compilation of “crap,” so to pull out a few milestone mementos felt like a hoarder’s Christmas.

I found a few textbooks on marine mammals, matched up with some scholarly journals on baleen whales.  There was a hot pink binder containing the script to The Vagina Monologues with margin notes galore.  A ripped Ralph’s bag held about thirty CDs (compact discs – antiques, guys).  Plus a bunch of other stuff that really was “crap.”

Rifling through all of this stuff brought me back to my mid-college crisis.  It started during the beginning of my junior year, and lasted up until the semester I graduated.  It was my first taste of “I don’t know what I want to do with my life.”  Every fiber of my being wanted to drop out of school and move home.

I didn’t.

Instead, I productively freaked out.  I dipped my toes in a hundred different majors, internships, volunteer positions, and extra-curriculars.

To name a few: after watching too much Shark Week, I became Hell-bent on saving the oceans, and switched my major to biology (hence, my marine mammal text collection).  I popped on over to a local radio station to intern in their promotions department, where one of my tasks was to clean out their CD collection, and they let me keep the duplicates.  I assistant directed The Vagina Monologues, and became well versed in crimes against women in war and other disaster stricken countries.

On paper, I was doing a lot of things that weren’t related to each other in the slightest.  My calendar reflected how scrambled I felt.

Eventually, things fell more into place (as things tend to do after they fall apart).  Some stuff stuck, and some stuff slid away.  Looking back, my last semester of college was a culmination of the prior two years of searching for myself.  I found a little niche that I camped out in, and packed up the evidence in a little cardboard box.

When I look at the items in that box, I can’t help but feel proud of that mess of a person.  I didn’t know a damn thing – but I went for it (whatever the “it” of the week was).

There are a lot of good things keeping me upbeat about this whole “life” thing people keep talking about (this little Stratejoy tribe, for one; and also Trader Joe’s).  In all honesty, it still feels like I’m standing in the middle of the Bermuda triangle with my internal GPS screeching “recalculating” at every failed attempt at getting my life together.

So the next time I’m in the midst of a QLC-induced panic attack, I’ll envision myself at my next move date.  I’ll find a box in the back of my closet with the adventures I went on over the past year or so, and I won’t be able to help feeling proud of that mess of a person

[Photo Credit: mikebaird]


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A Perfectly Imperfect Marriage

posted 22nd May 2012    Written by: Caitlin    CATEGORY: Caiti, Love/Relationships, Season 6, Tips & Tools, What I've Learned

My husband and I have been a couple for almost nine years and married for almost four. Yet, ask me if I believe in soul mates, or the idea of Mr. Perfect, or “The One,” and I’ll tell you no.

I don’t believe in “The One,” but I DO believe my husband is the one I’ve chosen to love and continue to choose to love everyday. He’s wonderful, but he doesn’t complete me or fill some insatiable void.

This doesn’t seem like a popular opinion in a world where we’re surrounded by The Bachelor(ette), Edward and Bella fantasies, and rom-coms that conclude with a fairytale wedding to Prince Charming but don’t depict the day-to-day marriage that comes after it.

That’s because what comes after the wedding isn’t always romantic. It’s work– sometimes fun work, sometimes hard and emotional. Contrary to Jerry Maguire’s “you complete me” attitude, I believe that marriage is a process of taking two separate people with two different set of personalities, quirks, and ideologies and figuring out how to make it work, side by side.

Recently, I’ve been deeply inspired by a video by sex and relationship columnist Dan Savage called “The Price of Admission” — required viewing for anyone in or wanting to be in a relationship, in my humble opinion. Dan describes the price of admission as “the personal sacrifices, large and small, that make long-term relationships possible.” He suggests that we consider the perceived flaws and annoyances of the other person and assess whether they are truly dealbreakers, or whether they are just the price you might have to pay to be in a relationship with that otherwise great person.

“There’s no settling down without some settling for.” ~ Dan Savage

Mark has no shortage of flaws (sorry, Mister… but I’ll get to me in a second!). He plays a lot of video games, and often spends entire weekends away at disc golf tournaments. He leaves the cabinet doors open in the kitchen all the time (WHY??). He can be so laid-back that it sometimes comes across as indifference. He often doesn’t do his share of the chores until I ask him to, which drives me cah-razy.

And I’m no picnic either. I require a ridiculous number of backrubs on a weekly basis. I’m hella indecisive and too insecure. I’m much less athletic and outdoorsy than Mark. I sometimes complain about going to visit my in-laws. I’m less patient and have a much shorter– and more colorful– fuse than Mark.

At one slightly-less-evolved point in time, these may have been dealbreakers for us in relationships (heck, I’ve had roommate relationships go sour for less than that!). I might have been so focused on the idea of Mr. Right that anything less than perfect would scare me away. In fact, the first few months after our wedding three and a half years ago was a really hard time as we adjusted to each other as husband and wife and as I came around to the idea that marital bliss was not a given, but something we had to work for continuously.

Now I accept our flaws and challenges as the prices of admission. While I still admit to being triggered by Mark’s actions on occassion, I don’t let them build up into animosity or score-keeping. The value I get from our relationship is so much greater than being right in an argument. As people, we are so much greater than our flaws, and we recognize that in each other. We still get angry or annoyed, but we’ve established a rule of respectful, open communication about any topic to alleviates tensions, and the humility to say we’re sorry. Conflict makes us better, not bitter.

Lately, I’ve been taking the price of admission idea one step further and have been trying to use my marriage as a mirror. When I feel the frustration start to rise towards some aspect of our relationship, I turn inward and ask myself what that feeling says about me. Sometimes (often?), it shows me that I’m trying to be controlling. And I then remember that the only thing I can ever control is myself and my reactions, which helps foster kindness, politeness, patience and acceptance within me– a much better approach than anger.

My favorite trick for a quick attitude adjustment is to replace “I have to” statements with “I get to.” If I end up doing something Mark was supposed to do and find myself mentally grumbling, “I have to pick up after you,” I’ll correct myself to say, “I get to pick up after you.” I get to pick up his stuff– I have a husband who is a part of my life and the “stuff” is all evidence of our life together. I am not burdened, but lucky. I do believe this is some sort of reverse psychology jedi-mind trick that I’m performing on myself, but, hey, it (usually) works– or at least makes it less annoying to deal with!

I wrote in my wedding vows to Mark that he has inspired me to be a better person. That still holds true today. Marriage has a lot to teach me about myself and others. I have so much to learn about vulnerability, forgiveness, generosity, teamwork, intimacy, and love… Notice that perfection is nowhere near that list.

“That’s the only way you become The One. Is because somebody is willing to pretend you are.” ~ Dan Savage

To admit that we aren’t a perfect match might sound sad and unromantic to some people. But we’re two people who commit to working on the relationship everyday, learning and growing as a team, and choosing to love each other in spite of our flaws. That couldn’t be more romantic to me.

{Photo by Olivia Leigh Photographie}


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Stratejoy Book Club: MWF Seeking BFF: Rescheduled!

posted 21st May 2012    Written by: Stratejoy    CATEGORY: All Posts, Events, Stratejoy the Biz

 

 

Hello, hello!

For those of you who registered for our live video discussion of MWF Seeking BFF tonight, you probably already got an e-mail letting you know of the change of plans. For those of you who couldn’t make the event tonight because of a conflicting schedule or because you didn’t get a chance to finish the book, well we’ve got good news for you!

We’ve rescheduled the event for June 11th, 2012 at 6PM PDT / 9PM EDT. We’ll send out all of the login details for the video discussion before the event, as well as a study guide with lots of hot topics and discussion points.

So, re-mark those calendars, ladies. If you already registered/RSVP’d for the event that was scheduled for tonight, no need to re-register. However, if you didn’t RSVP and can now make it, let us know on the new event invitation!

We have also re-opened the registration for the in-person portion of the Book Club! We have events happening in Dallas, Austin, San Diego, Toronto, Philadelphia, Providence, NYC, Boston, AND Seattle! See your city + want to attend? Don’t see your city + want to host? You can sign up right here!

WAIT – There’s MORE good news.

Molly officially has a new member to her family – Little Max was born on Friday and Molly and the Big Man are totally in love. Stay tuned for an official announcement from Molly, but right now, she’s busy nesting at home and spending as much time as possible with this adorable little face that Molly shared on Twitter!

How adorable is that little guy? I had the chance to chat with the new Mama today and she is head over heels in love with that face. Sending Molly so much love as she embarks on this new journey.

If you have any questions at all, feel free to shoot me (Katie!) an email at katie@stratejoy.com and I’ll hook you up!


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When Sex and Love Become Oil and Water

posted 21st May 2012    Written by: Arielle    CATEGORY: Arielle, Love/Relationships, Season 6

When I look at the goals I set out for myself 2 months ago, I’m quite pleased with my progress on a lot of them. I started exercising more regularly, I volunteer every so often, and I’ve learned about 45 seconds of the Single Ladies dance.

There’s one goal, however, that I’m completely failing on – the one about taking control of my love life.

I’m not someone who gets asked out ever, so if I don’t actually try to have some semblance of a love life, I won’t have one. To combat the stagnancy in the romance department, I decided to start taking OK Cupid seriously. I’ve had a profile for over 6 months, but for the bulk of that time I barely ever logged in let alone went on any dates. I needed to change that.

A few weeks ago, I got a message from a guy who was not only nice and normal, but who had clearly mastered the difference between “your” and “you’re” (crucial, obviously). We traded emails until the inevitable happened – he suggested we meet.

While a normal woman might look forward to this date, I went into panic mode. I started taking several days to respond to his messages, to the point where we could no longer meet up on the days he suggested because those days had passed. I made up lame excuses as to why I wasn’t available. Every so often I would snap out of the weird frenzy I had worked myself into, force myself to respond and legitimately try to meet up because I knew I should, and then my heart would race because I was afraid of going on this date. As I write this post, we’re still in scheduling limbo.

This story, combined with all the introspection that I’ve been doing as a result of deciding, “Hey, I think I’d like to write a Stratejoy post about love or sex or whatever,” has made me realize something:

I have no greater neurosis than the one I have about men.

It may have taken me 28 years to get to this point, and there’s something cruel and ironic about gaining clarity regarding how fucked up you are, but it explains a lot. Here’s another example:

When I was sophomore in college, I had a crush on a guy friend of mine. Not a fleeting crush – a serious, I’ve-thought-about-you-every-day-for-over-a-year crush.

One Saturday night, a posse of girls and I went to a party at his fraternity. When he came to say hello to us, it was immediately apparent that something was different. He would touch the small of my back, or find a way to hold my hand while he was talking to me. This wasn’t normal.

My friends picked up on what was going on and kept whispering to me excitedly. “You guys are totally going to hook up tonight!”

What happened then is obvious, right?

Sexy time!

No, that’s not what happened. What happened is that I freaked out and left the party, to a chorus of my friends’ confusion.

Fast forward to senior year. Different guy, different group of friends, different fraternity. He made moves, I bolted, my friends were baffled.

I loved hanging out with both of those guys and I was happy to have them as friends. And because it was college, I was no stranger to getting my drunken frat-party makeout on. But for some reason, when faced with the possibility of having a union between the emotional and the physical, my body should have chosen Fight when instead it chose Flight.

Remember when I briefly mentioned having gone bungee jumping? I got to watch probably 30 people jump that day. Personally, I was so excited that I dove off that platform the moment the instructor counted to three. Most people hesitated before they found the courage to jump. One girl stood there looking down, paralyzed with fear. Everyone tried to encourage her, but she wouldn’t budge. After 10 minutes, she backed off the platform. She never jumped.

In the world of romance, it seems that most people are like I was that day – diving unabashedly into new relationships. A few are more hesitant, calculating before they leap. But me? I’m the girl who, despite all the positive encouragement in the world, can’t find it within herself to jump.

This issue has plagued me throughout my entire adult life (the fact that I managed to get myself into the one relationship I’ve ever been in was nothing short of a miracle, believe me). I get stuck in my comfort zone of admiring someone from afar, and when it comes down to actually doing something about it, I freeze.

I really want to understand what’s going on here. Am I afraid of commitment? I don’t think so. Am I afraid of emotional intimacy? I might not be good at it, but I’m not scared of it. Am I afraid of physical intimacy? Clearly not, because the hookups that originated in frat houses now just originate in bars (infrequently, but I’ve already acknowledged that I have very little game).

So what is it? What part of going on a date with an OK Cupid guy freaks me out? Why do I feel like I would be super happy if I had one guy around for deep, emotional lovey stuff and another guy around for meaningless sex and never the twain shall meet? THAT’S NOT NORMAL.

Part of me wonders if maybe I’m being a bit overzealous. I’m trying to find a job, live on virtually no money, devote more time to hitting the gym, get my Fierce Love on, and actually submit my blog posts on time. Maybe I have too much else going on to also be working on my love life.

Who am I kidding? That’s just another excuse in justifying why I’m not really trying. Is anyone ever really too busy for a relationship? When the right person comes along don’t we just naturally find a way to squeeze them in to our already crowded lives?

What am I trying to make excuses for?

I can’t help but reflect on this stuff and think, “Girl, cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues!” Except I can’t do that. I don’t have the option of getting out of my own head.

I wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have broken up with my therapist after all.

 

Photo credit: elycefeliz


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For the Love of Group Fitness

posted 20th May 2012    Written by: Sarah    CATEGORY: All Posts, Events, Job/Career/Work, Quarterlife Crisis, Sarah

As I adjusted the microphone on my head and snapped my tunebelt around my waist, my body started to shake with nervous energy.  My mind screamed at me.  I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this.

I’ve been preparing for this moment for weeks and weeks.  Months even.  I went into my BodyStep training strong, having memorized all the tracks and presented my heart out.  I got a five, the highest score possible.  My gym hired me on as a group fitness instructor.  I spent afternoons going over and over my choreography, watching the instructional DVD, checking my notes.

By all accounts, I had prepared to the fullest.

Yet my palms sweated, my knees knocked together, my heart thumped in my ears as I stared out at the 35 people waiting for me to present.

This was my first time on stage in front of an actual class.  My Step mentor and friend, Kim, invited me to team teach with her during her Saturday morning 8 a.m. class, a class I’ve been attending for years.  The final steps towards my certification requires team teaching and a video assessment, so Kim took me under her wing and suggested I teach half the class and she teach the other half in preparation.

It seemed like a good idea on Thursday.

But by Saturday morning, I almost panicked and ran off stage.

But as soon as I heard the music, my body started to move as if on autopilot.  I smiled through my nervousness and worked to stay present in the workout.  That was the toughest 55 minutes I’ve experiences in a long time.  During parts of the workout I felt exhilarated and strong.  And other parts I was pretty sure I was going to keel over.

After that first class, part of me felt proud for pushing past my fears and presenting the tracks with all the confidence I could muster for my very first time.

But that other part of me, that judgy part, felt I could have done better.  I didn’t have the straighest arm lines.  My jumps could have been better.  Sometimes I didn’t pre-cue fast enough.  At times my personality fell flat.

Even though I felt a rush for being on stage, part of me never wanted to do it again.  I decided I wasn’t the best.  So why bother?

But the following Tuesday, I had another chance to get back on stage when another instructor offered me the opportunity to teach again.  Again, part of me couldn’t wait.  And other other part of me wanted to run scared.  But my love for group fitness won out, and I told her I’d do it.

While I still felt some jitters in the pit of my stomach, that morning I felt more centered.  I remembered to take some deep breathes, remind myself this is just group fitness, not brain surgery, and I let my body lead me through.

My performance was 800x better than my first.  Not a little bit better.  A lot better.

And another instructor offered me a chance to practice again.

And that performance was 1000x better than the second time.

And soon I had another opportunity and another.  Each time better than the last.

Then one day I got a call from the group fitness manager asking me to fill in for another instructor.  In two hours.  And I had to do the entire class by myself.

I wanted to say no.  No, I couldn’t.  I’ve never taught a class all by myself.  Surely, I’m not the one to do this.  I’m still learning.  I’m not good enough.

But that stronger part of me knew I could do it, that this was my chance to show myself what I can do when pushed to my max.  So I agreed.

I did feel those nervous shakes.  I worried I would make a mistake.  But I chose to push those thoughts out of my mind and remember all the improvements I’ve made, how far I’ve come.

I delivered that class with all my heart.  Yes, I made a few choreography mistakes.  At times I felt myself start to fall flat.  But I dug as deep into my heart and pushed myself to the end.

Two years ago, I would have never thought I could be strong enough, determined enough, fit enough to lead a group fitness class.  At during my training, I doubted myself, wondered if I had what it takes, felt my confidence fall to an all-time low.

But after teaching that class – all by myself – I knew I had the confidence I needed all along.  It was in there, waiting for me to have the courage to let it out.

 

Have you heard? The Stratejoy Book Club has officially launched!

We’ll be holding our first LIVE chat discussion.  May 21st, 2012. Grab your girlfriends, some drinks, some snacks, and jam with Molly about this month’s book, MWF Seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche.

Find out about the book, the live chat discussion, and how to host an event or attend an event right over here on the page with all of the juicy details.


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