Overcoming Fear and Doing What You Want to Do

posted 10th March 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I’m a worrier.  I worry about everything.  Really.

Tell me you have a dentist appointment next Tuesday at 2PM, and I’ll worry about it for you.  Who knows what would happen if I didn’t take on this duty? I wouldn’t want you to miss your appointment or anything.

So, as I think of my greatest challenge on this journey of mine, I could easily say that it’s my worrying.  Seriously, I’ve got to find a way to stop it already.

Of course, if I said that, I’d know it wasn’t true.  Well, not entirely.  Let me dig a little deeper.

What’s got me so anxious all the time?  Like — why does it matter if the bed isn’t made to my exact specifications each morning, if my bank account drops below some mythical minimum, if I’m not absolutely-exactly-precisely perfect at everything I do?  I could go on.  Perhaps I could impress you with my single handed ability to turn a tiny pebble into a boulder.

But I digress.  What I’m trying to get at is — why is it that I worry so much about everything?

And here’s where I get really honest with you.  This is the root of the root:  FEAR.

I don’t worry because it’s fun.  Or because it’s something to do and I’m just so incredibly bored that I need something useless to take up my time.  I worry because I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of failing.

With that confession, I’m not sure what else to say.  It’s one thing to pin-point the problem.  It’s an entirely different beast to actually do something about it.

And here’s the thing about fear.  It’s hard to overcome.

I think the best advice I can give myself, or anyone else for that matter, is simply to act.  Don’t let fear stop you from taking action, from doing what you most love, from doing what you dream about.

Take a deep breath, and look that fear in the eyes.  Tell your fear that it doesn’t win — not this time.  Then do exactly what it is you want, even though you’re afraid.

The only way I’ve ever succeeded at dealing with fear is by facing it.  Facing my fear doesn’t take the fear away.  It doesn’t magically make me confident or make me believe in my own unending powers. (Oh, how I wish it did.)  It does, however, help me to realize that fear should not be debilitating.

It helps me to see that I can do what I want and even be successful, in spite of fear.

Overcoming fear to experience a success, no matter how tiny, increases your self efficacy — your belief in yourself and your ability to accomplish the things you want.  The more you believe in yourself, the more you’ll be willing to face those fears, to take chances on the things that matter most to you.

So in the spirit overcoming fear, here’s my mantra for the week:

  1. In spite of fear, I choose to be authentically me.
  2. In spite of fear, I choose to share my writing with the world.
  3. In spite of fear, I choose to book that month-long, solo trip to Peru.
  4. In spite of fear, I choose to love.

What do you choose to do, in spite of fear?


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Are You There Bigger Picture? It’s Me, Nicole

posted 9th March 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I’ve been living in San Francisco and managing business operations for Shatterboxx Media for a little over two months now, and do you know what I’ve learned from our clients? That while it’s overwhelmingly hard to describe what you’re looking for, you sure as hell know it when you see it.

Jamie and I work through this process over and over, taking the verbal and turning it into the graphic, and it’s been fascinating for me to watch her transform a bullet pointed Word document into something vibrantly alive, because my mind just doesn’t work that way.

My mind likes two things, details and fantasies, and I have a hard time seeing through the fog that clouds my bigger picture. I’m confident in the small parts of my day, the minute-to-minute wants that are easily defined, the sentences that are short and declarative like “I’m craving French onion soup,” “I want sex,” or “I need 30 minutes to read and take a bath.”

But on any given day, it’s almost impossible for me to articulate my long-term goals.

I’m aware that my overarching dream is most frequently described by saying that “I want to, well, you know, live a sweet life and write and travel and stuff,” but I hit a wall when I push myself to get more specific than that. I loosely understand (and am passionately excited about) the things I want to achieve, like checking every item off my Life List, but the biggest challenge I’m facing right now is how to build a solid foundation that supports my wild and crazy dreams, a foundation that starts with flushing out exactly what those dreams really are in the first place.

Like a graphic design client who is all, “I have no idea, but I like purple! And bold typography! And kittens!” I’m vaguely familiar with what I want, but I feel like I’m running in frenzied circles trying to clarify everything enough to cattle-prod The Universe into making it happen, which leaves me feeling that in regard to my goals, I want everything and know nothing all at once.

Is there an easy button here? Can I buy a dream mapping vowel?

I don’t know, maybe I spend too much time focusing on what I don’t know when I should be focusing on what I do know, and for now, here’s what that is:

I know I want to be a writer with a big giant capital W, thoughtfully telling my stories and living my life out loud. I know I want to be a citizen of the world, traveling wherever I can, saying yes to newness while learning how to let it in without blurring my boundaries and losing myself.

I know I want to be a perpetual student, an open listener, and an unconditional support system for everyone who has gently reached down and pulled me out when I’ve gone tumbling down the rabbit hole. I know I want laughter and hilarity in unlimited quantities, because I know that’s the best way for me to leave each day better than I found it.

I know I want to inspire people to live up to the best possible version of themselves by being spontaneous and creative, honest and positive, confident and kind, hardworking and spiritually alive.

I know I want to learn to spend time in the silence more often, to listen without judgment, love as hard as I can, and then a little harder still, and I know that I want to shape my days around the overwhelming truth that what I put out there is what I’ll get back.

And maybe knowing all of that is enough for now.

photo credit: lululemon athletica


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Don’t Play it Safe. Be Bold.

posted 5th March 2010    Written by: Molly Hoyne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration

Do you want to play it safe?

“Research on the attributes that we associate with “being feminine” tells us that the most important qualities for women are: thin, nice, pretty. If you want to play it totally safe, you have to be willing to stay as small, quiet, and attractive as possible. “ -Brene Brown

I do not want to live my life playing it safe.  I don’t want to rest in conventional, content to rush about in a daze, checking errands off my to do list, putting in facetime where required, doing all the things expected of me.

Getting by, by giving up on life, is not my style.

Ladies, safe is not the new black.  I don’t want you to play it safe.

When we get too used to playing it safe–being small, quiet and attractive–we forget what it’s like to be out in the world, unencumbered and earnest.  We forget what it’s like to beat on our chest with a Tarzan yell and declare, “Today’s the day to break the rules!  To climb trees, write a poem, eat cherries, to live today as if it’s all I’ve got!”

To play is safe requires us to forget that we are overflowing with a unique life force.  Overflowing with dreams, and hopes, and an incredible capacity to love. It requires us to make our adventures and goals fit within society’s ruler of acceptable.

Playing safe takes away our opportunity to carve our place in the world. There’s a cosmic space that belongs only to us– it’s our unique contribution to the world– and safe doesn’t allow us to paint it with rainbows, to sing at the top of our lungs, to make millions in the service of others, to dance naked, or to take pride in our quirks.

Safe keeps those differences, those shimmering contributions, from ever emerging.

Safe makes us afraid to be big, bold, and unique.  Safe makes us forget what that would even look like.

Which leads me to this…

How Not to Play it Safe

We are a generation of educated, gutsy women who are capable of so many incredible contributions (from raising amazing children to creating art, from making a difference in our communities to starting businesses, from exploring the world to inspiring others) yet we spend so much of our energy on our outer appearance.

We don’t feel good enough unless we “look good enough.” And “looking good” requires being thin, stylish, pretty, and pulled together.  All of the time.  And seemingly without effort.

Reality check?  This is impossible.

Stop letting your outer appearance dictate how your feel about yourself, your life.  Stop striving for thin as if it’s the answer to everything.  Stop trying to fit in with whatever pretty happens to equal this year.

Be Big.  Be Unique.  Be YOU.

Strive for healthy, for strong, for capable. Love your body by fueling it properly and moving it and adorning it with fashion you love.   Celebrate your unique beauty, the bloodlines that connect you to each and every gorgeous woman in your family.

Deck yourself in sequins, in pinstriped suits, in cowboy boots, in sundresses, in rock tee-shirts—whatever it is that tickles your fancy. Dress for the woman you are, not the one you’re pretending to be.

Honor your reality.  Practice loving you, as is.

As far as being nice goes…  I’m all for kind, for loving, for rose-colored glasses and solving problems with honey.  But when nice starts equaling quiet, safe, small—it’s time to break out the bold.

You’re a woman.  You’ve got an opinion, a unique take on the world.  Make sure it’s heard.

Don’t play it safe.

You’re hurting yourself and those around you by agreeing with something that makes you want to pull your hair out.  You’re disrespecting yourself by constantly grinning and bearing it.  You’re giving up your power by biting your tongue.

There’s a time to be nice.  There’s a time to get your sass on.  There’s time to stand up for yourself no matter what the cost.  There’s even a time to pull the bitch card.

Don’t be afraid.  Be Bold.

Parting Words?

You are a woman, thin or thick, small or big.  You are a woman, pretty or unusual, attractive or unique.  You are a woman, nice or sassy, quiet or bold.

Wherever you fall on the spectrum, ladies, don’t play it safe.

This is your life.  Live it with all the guts, glory, and bravado you can muster.

Dive in.  Make it Count.

And don’t worry–you’re not alone.  I promise you, I’m doing the same.


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Following My Heart, or the Benefits of Being Selfish

posted 4th March 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Katie, Season 2, Tips & Tools, Travel

I’m breaking the news to my family and friends of my move gradually.

Did I tell you guys yet? No? Oh, well, I’m moving.

If you did know this already, and you’re thinking “Yeah, Katie, we know you’re moving in February 2011″– you’re only half right. I’m moving, but much sooner than expected. Much sooner as in, within 2 months.

You could say, I’m following my heart.

Some of my friends are relatively happy about it. The majority are experiencing nothing short of surprise in epic proportions. To most of my friends I’ve become known as the girl who has big ideas, makes big plans,  but does nothing with them.

I’m really good at starting things. From spring cleaning, to a new life direction, to journals, I’ve developed a certain level of appreciation for starting things fresh and new. It’s my own personal way of alleviating past mistakes and starting with a clean slate.

However great I am at beginning, I lack the follow-through necessary to create lasting experiences. No matter how good it feels to start things, they only remain “brand new” for so long until it feels old, used, and no longer worth dedicating time to. Even during the duration of the Joy Equation, I had a very difficult time committing time to myself everyday to do self-discovery. As I mentioned before, I expected myself to fail, and it was starting to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because of this unfortunate habit of mine, no one really believes that I’m moving.

Even more, they believe that they can simply offer me an alternative solution that will keep me in my home state forever. How convenient for them, but really it’s an open invitation for me to not follow through on yet another set of plans.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that their ideas weren’t tempting:

“Move in with me!”

“Move in with your aunt!”

“Just grin and bear it!”

Yes, they all sound like perfectly great ways to stand still for the rest of my life. I’ve realized that I don’t want to stand still anymore. I want to move – not only in physical location, but emotionally, mentally, and in any other way one can move; that is, in every way but backwards.

I’m leaving a lot behind in New Jersey. my family, my friends, my car, my apartment, my life. In following my heart, I’m leaving it all behind to start fresh. One of my friends got very emotional when I told him that I was moving. “Why are you being so selfish?” he said. I was speechless and really gave his accusation some thought.

Was I being selfish?  Should I be thinking more about my family and friends and their needs?

Like any awesome Generation-Y person, I instantly Googled “Selfish” prepared for some slap in the face definition that would make me realize that I was wrong, and that my true destination shouldn’t be miles away. I found this:

selfish -\ˈsel-fish\ Holding one’s self-interest as the standard for decision making.

That just solidified my decision. Shouldn’t we all be a little selfish? Try it, you just might like it.

As many of us tend to do, I’ve lived a majority of my life attempting to please others. I’m a people pleaser, which tends to be my biggest appeal and my biggest downfall. After twenty-five years of putting other’s needs and wants before mine, I want to give myself a chance. My heart has been on the backburner for such a long time, it’s just begging to be able to do what it wants to do for once.

For the first time, I’m going to listen.

One of my most difficult parts of the Joy Equation for me was the realization that I was not able to remember the last time I felt happy. I wasn’t able to answer the simple question of “Describe in detail how you feel when you are happy.”

(Hey, Molly, ask me again what makes me happy. Ask me one more time how I feel when I’m happy.)

Whenever I imagine my life according to my terms, I feel this sense of exhilaration. I feel like my world is much bigger, and my possibilities are endless. My heart races, a smile comes on my face, and I’m excited to transfer money into my savings account for the move which I have appropriately named “Road to Happiness Account”.

In these moments I am happy. In these moments I feel whole. It feels amazing not only to have life coming straight at me, but to be walking towards it with open arms.


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Finding Balance through my Core Values

posted 3rd March 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Job/Career/Work, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I’ve gone from one extreme to the next.

The first couple of weeks after leaving my day job, I felt unorganized, somewhat scattered.  I had difficulty managing my time, and I wasn’t focusing on my writing projects as much as I would have liked.

With a little effort, I found a few ways to turn that around.  I started getting up early and setting specific times that I had to get work done.  I closed the door and thus closed myself off from the world.

I worked, worked, worked.

Moving from underproductive to uber productive was seriously exciting.  I got SO much done.  I stayed up late and got up early.  I had energy.  I felt exhilarated.  I re-launched my personal blog, In Search of Squid, got a lot of prewriting done on the novel, and started pumping out blog posts.

I was on fire.

But now, I’ve hit the other side of that wall.  I am in desperate need of balance.

You see, last week, I crashed.  I had been getting up early and going to bed late.  Even when taking a break for dinner or catching up with the fiancé, I had the computer on my lap, and I was responding to blog comments or working on a writing project.  General exhaustion and a lack of sleep then took over.  I couldn’t sit down to write without my eyelids drooping and feeling the need to take a nap.

Now, this has been my first experience working for myself.  I’ve never tried to do this before.  And let me tell you, striking a balance between work and all the rest is seriously harder than it looks. My work life and home life have now merged.  How does one handle this while maintaining a healthy balance of work, rest and play?

Enter, The Joy Equation.

I had been working through Molly’s Thirty Day Guide to Living Life on Purpose for the past few weeks.  Well, let me be more accurate, I’d working on it a little and thinking about working on it a lot.  Every time I picked it up, I felt guilty for taking time away from my writing projects.  I would eventually set it down with the idea that I could always do more later.

Then, the week of droopy eyelids and utter exhaustion came into play.  I realized I needed to slow down.  I needed a little perspective and some fresh ways to approach working on my own.

I spent last weekend pondering, journaling and planning.  I took a look at what really matters to me and sought new ways to maintain a sense of calm, wellness and balance in my life.

While doing this, I sat down and listened to the first audio session of The Joy Equation.  Molly walked me through a guided meditation, then a series of questions and exercises aimed at getting me to unearth my core values.  I attempted to figure out – what do I really care about; what values resonate with me; what truly matters?

In the past, I’ve tried to make time to consider my personal core values, and I’ve attempted to align my life in such a way as to be true to myself.  I can’t recommend this practice enough.  It’s powerful.  It opens doors and allows you to see your life in a whole new way.  What I love about Molly’s approach is that she really has you work it out.  You ask questions, you answer questions, you put it all in writing.

You set intentions for the week, and you find creative ways to really make it work for you.

Sometimes I just need a little nudge, something to give me permission to take time out for myself.  This was exactly the nudge I needed.  I’ve been so focused on doing the work I love, that I nearly forgot the many other things in life that matter to me too. Identifying my core values helped me to remember this.

In looking at those values, I noticed one thing that continued to show up – my love for being outside and in nature.  I really enjoy things like walking, hiking and camping.  I love fresh air and green trees and the sight of the ocean.

And then I realized something – I rarely make time to do this.

Why?  I’m not sure.  I think sometimes we get lost in ourselves, in our daily lives.  We forget to do those things that bring us joy, especially when it takes a little extra time, effort or attention.

So I’m taking a cue from my Joy Plan; I’m setting an intention for the week.  And that intention is simply to go on a hike.

According to Lao Tzu, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”  My journey is to connect with my true, authentic self.  In cultivating the powerful habits that will bring me to that authentic self, I must take small steps to get there.  This is simply one of those small steps.

I’m also making a commitment to myself:  each week, I’ll re-look at my core values. Whichever jumps out at me as something I’ve been overlooking, I’ll take action, and I’ll plan something that honors that value for the week.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.  What are some things you do to maintain balance in your own life?

photo credit: janusz l


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