I know that girl with the big plans and big dreams is still in there somewhere. She’s confused, and she’s hiding, and she’s not sure how to reconcile Bordeaux-Eran with the Baby-Mama Eran. But she knows that somewhere, there’s a middle ground; that those two people are actually different sides of the same coin.
Those words are mine, written at the beginning of my Elevate journey, when I was lost and struggling as a new mama, battling with the remnants of post-partum depression, and longing to go back to those late summer days of a solo trip to Bordeaux.
At the beginning of the year, my son was almost 10 months old. We had literally been physically connected for the last 19 months as he grew first in my body, and then because of my body and the sustenance it produced. I felt like, in order to “be a good mom,” I needed to be his everything.
I felt such a huge responsibility to this little person. If he wasn’t sleeping, my immediate thought was, “What have I done wrong?” When he was grumpy, I felt immense pressure to figure out what I needed to do to make him happy again. If he giggled, my heart soared; if he cried, my heart broke.
I was on a rollercoaster of emotions, and my tiny child was at the control board. And I don’t think either of us was a fan of that situation.
Something needed to change.
Each day since starting Elevate, I sit down at my office desk and I face this giant wall: (see attached photo), and I am reminded of the intentions that I set for my year: Nuture. Be Present. Be Proactive. Be Colorful. Be Brave. Be Loving. Be Beautiful.
At first, these words scared me. They challenged me. They opened me up, and they made me cry. They made me see the dark sides of myself, but gradually, I was able to see the lighter sides too.
They made me wake up, and take control of my life again.
These words weren’t alone in their colossal impact on my life over the past year. Nope. They had 14 soul sisters, each of whom gave me shining examples of how to live up to these words in their own strong and sweet way.
I needed this year to discover who I am again. To make peace with motherhood. To learn how to provide love for my son while encouraging him to be his own person. To nuture my business, my creativity, my relationships and my self.
Over the past year, I quit my part-time job and am now focused 100% on building my photography business. I am excited to wake up in the morning. I feel beautiful again. I have creativity pouring out of my veins. I have a more positive relationship with my husband. And I CAN’T WAIT to pick up my feisty little toddler from daycare at the end of the day.
It hasn’t been easy. There have been as many downs as there have been ups, and I’m not prancing through cotton-candy fields on a rainbow-colored unicorn every day.
But I know where to find that unicorn when he gets lost. And I know how to manifest my own cotton candy field when things seem really gloomy.
I am present. I am proactive. I am colorful (and so is my unicorn). I am brave. I am loving. And I am beautiful.
But most importantly, I feel like I own this life again.
WITH LOVE FROM
Eran, Photographer, Risk-Taker, 2014 Elevate Sister
Upon taking a leap of faith and quitting her “grown-up” job in 2007, Eran has spent the last 7 years conquering fears, exploring options and checking off all the “to-do’s” on her life list. A true Renaissance soul, Eran is not satisfied doing just any one thing. Photographer, singer, music-arranger, Sound of Music enthusiast, writer, micro-manager, traveller, French-speaker, dreamer, wine-drinker, risk-taker, and most recently, mama to a gorgeous and giggly little boy – these are just a few of the titles Eran wears on a regular basis. Eran can be found on Twitter @eranjayne.